Looking.Back

I was just going through the my archives. It amazes me how different or set apart I feel from the person I was just a few months ago. Most things are the same, but it's funny...some things aren't.

All that energy I spent in those guys: [The Baller, Mr. N, B.D., etc.] was it really worth it? It was a lesson to be learned and that is the best I can come up with.

Now, I'm at a place where I'm trying to become content with being single and well, alone. I tell you, sometimes I have to go as far as deleting numbers so I won't fold in and call someone. Someone who I want to bring warmth and company... I do this because, most cases, they only bring cold shoulders and regret.

There are some new faces to the battlefield, which I shall introduce later. None which have reached a new record and I'm not allowing shortcuts. The advice my older cousin gave me this weekend has been ringing in my ears. He said, "You're a beautiful girl and thats a gift and a curse. Dudes will try to make you settle...

...Don't settle."

Sorry for 2009

This is myyyyy sorry foooorrrrr 2009... *record scratch*

Well, at least for the second half of the year. I have been slackinnnng. Yeah, I know. I have good intentions to stay committed to this blog, but school and all the other factors of my life have become a massive task. I'm sure you all live busy lives and find time to post. So clearly, I have no excuse. Eh, I've been neglecting my tumblr as well.

I decided to try this whole "Do better" act again. Since the admins at my job have block all my usual distractions, I'm going to use that time to study (yeah, right), read, and post here. Sounds good?

Great!

Boo.Season

Yeah, its getting cold. My friends and I were just talking about how its about time to get boo'd up for winter. Girls shivering, dudes choosing...vice versa, la-di-da-di. We were just joking around, but actually now that I think about it...its kind of true. Ever had that dude(s), whom during the summer was so sometime-y (or summertime) and now here they come out of the blue, trying to get things right. I'm sure some girls seem to work on the same schedule.

Yet, this is around the time I'm so tired of the games played. I seem to throw the towel in and get comfortable with the single status, then BOOM! Here comes dude, seeming to know all the right things to say, do the things to make me think, "Well just maybe..."

Well, I'm not trying to be just someone's hand-warmers. I will admit, I've allowed myself to be swayed for the sake of not being alone. I think that is just what I need thought. Enjoy my autumn to myself and figure out what I really want, so when it comes around, I won't miss it.

Whats.Going.On

As you can imagine, a lot has occurred since my last post. To keep myself from ramblin', I will limit myself bullet points and spare you the details, unless...you want the details. ;]

• Mr. N and I broke up, for good. Don't be sad, its a good thing. A beautiful thing. It seriously got to the point where I didn't like being around him when he was sober. True story. I seriously think we are both happy apart. Maybe after some time, we can be cool again. Not together, cool. I kind of wish we never took it up a level and left good enough alone.
• As for my current love life, have my friends tell it and they say I have a boo for each 'need.' I say we all are just friends, thats my story and I'm sticking to it.
  
• I moved in an apartment with one of my previous roommates. It's going great, no problemos so far, Thank the Heavens!
• School has begun, it was smooth sailing, but it kind of kicked in this week. Sometimes sadness comes in the form of a Japanese quiz. =[
  
• Work is going great, I work in the mailroom now. I have new-found respect for postal workers.
  

So yeah, I think that clears it right up. Sigh, there is so much I want to tell you guys, but I don't want to over-bear you. Hm, so what has been going on in your lives? How was your summer? How is school going? Are you happy, sad, angry, hungry...? What? Haha.

Long.Time.No.See

Yeah, I have been majorly slacking on my posts here. I've become all too consumed into Tumblr. Even though Tumblr is great, I miss this place. I can't really type it all out like I can here [and expect people to read it. Let alone, give me feedback.] I missed you guys. Klash left a comment on my last post a few days ago and it made me feel good. Nothing like getting that e-mail notification letting you know someone cares. Haha.
So, I know I've said it once before that I will do better. This time, I'm not going to proclaim it. I'll let my future actions [in the form of posts] speak for me. =]

Don't think I totally forgot about you all either, I do read up on your blogs every once in while.
Later you gals/guys!

Relation.Ship

Lately, I have been wondering what happened to the 'relation' that was suppose to be on our ship? I really don't see the point or purpose of our relationship. Things are not adding up. I talk to Mr. N maybe once every week or so. I'm not exaggerating. We had talked about this because this had concerned me for a while. He just told me that he thought I would understand; that is just how he is and he doesn't mean to come across as inconsiderate. He doesn't want us to grow tired of each other by hanging out all the time and that he would let me know if he didn't want to be with me anymore. Immediately after, communication between us imporved, but it has quickly sunk to an all-time low.
So what? I'm just suppose to be obligated to this so-called relationship until he grows tired of me. I really don't see what he is getting out of this. Meanwhile, I go to other guys in my life to receive all the things that he fails to supply. I shouldn't have to do that. Furthermore, if I am turning to others to bring me conversation, comfort, laughter, etc...who is he turning to? Most importantly, why am I not bothered by the idea that he maybe he is?
If these aren't red flags, I don't know what is. Why is he not bothered? Why would he want to keep me along? What is the point? Why is it hard for me to just end it? Put this relationship out of its misery cause it is suffering.

Mommy.and.Me

Right now, I am currently on a weekend out with my Mom. We decided to go and get a hotel room for two nights and we have been shopping like crazy. I tired to be conservative and not make her buy too much for me. She is paying for my first month of rent when I move in my apartment at the end of this month. Yes! I got an apartment! =] However, today we came across some nice deals. I mean niceeeeeeee!
I usually shop for the winter and fall during the summer. You will discover some good finds. Especially when the school year is near, a lot of stores will be having sales to clear room for new merchandise. Like I got a peacoat for the low today! I was so hyped. The real excitement was a New York & Co. They were having at storewide 70% markdown sale. Yes. My mom and I spent around 3 hours. We checked out and before we got out the store we found more things and made a second purchase. I wish I had some photos of all my purchases. That would took some time...maybe later.
Besides all that. It feels really good to spend time with my mom. I realzed that we have really become closer over the past few years. I use to think we were sooo different. Its crazy how much you come to know as you get older.

Tennessee

I know, my posts have been scarce, but that just means I'm actually out enjoying my summer. I must say this has been one of the busiest summers ever. It started out a bit slow, but it surely has picked up.
Last weekend, I went to Tennessee with my Unc-R and fam. It was the first time I stayed in a cabin. I really enjoyed myself. We got to ride horses, play pool, enjoy hot tubs, and enjoy a bit more of the out-doors. So that now I have been to 5/50 states. Woot! Haha.

Your.Destiny

B.D. wrote: "Me and you was forever to be. I was fine being your destiny."

To clarify the situation: Before he went off to basic training, I thought it was best to try to leave him alone completely. Therefore, he felt like I "turned the page on him." That is why it was written in past tense. However, it seems like it still stands true. The fact that I have been diligently writing him back is evidence in itself. I'm not good at replying to people via snail mail. However, I anxiously wait to receive his replies and write him back. I have been able to tell him things that I should have said a long time ago. He has told me things, which have clarified a lot of unanswered questions.
I'm just wondering is it silly to think this way? Not the "forever" part. My focus is: to believe someone is your destiny. I must admit some part of me really believes, despite whoever should come along, I will end up with him. Weird or stupid maybe. Its true. I continue to date others, I think it would be unwise not to, you never really know who is the "one." I'm currently in a relationship with Mr. N. and its going well. However, I have yet to connect with someone on such an amazing level. I honestly believe I will love B.D. forever, which I expect, considering we'll always have a connection because of our son.
However, I wonder if feeling this way will hinder me from connecting and loving someone else at such a capacity or greater? Are we limited to only one great love? Have you ever/Do you feel the same about someone?

Much appreciation to T. Miles for his recognition.
He has a good heart, check him out.

Summer.Purchases

Although I'm broke...
Even, I have managed to get a few things this summer. =]
You will find me with that purple purse, everyday. Haha. I broke the strap on those shoes the first day I wore them.

Heels and I don't get along well sometimes. =\ I plan to doctor them with a hot glue gun cause I like them so much.
I have yet to use the $3 clutch. Corrina, Corrina is a classic plus it was only $5. The book is Marked. Its a decent read so far. I love the nail polishes, even though I have only worn the Pink Promenade. I also been practicing make designs with the white. Fun. =]
These are 3 of my fav. tops I have acquired. I have yet to wear the middle one. Clearly. Haha. I have not an occasion or bottoms to pair with it. Any suggestions?

Summer.Where.Art.Thou

Hello to all my followers, new and old. =]

Is it just me or does it seem like summer is speeding by? Only one month left...geez. I think its time to pull out the ol list:
Summer Goals:
1. Find an apartment for Fall semester. [Application filed, waiting for response.]
2. Find a (summer) job. [Fail.]
3. Get back to my comfortable weight. [Currently working out: 5 or 7 pounds to go]
4. Go to the beach and/or Pennsylvania. [There is still hope.]
5. Make a final school choice. [Done! I'm staying put.]

Hopefully, your list looks better than mine. =]

Anywho, I'm currently in Alabama with my older sister. I really love it. I needed a change of scenery from Atlanta, little cousins, etc. I'm kind of sad to be returning there tomorrow. I will be going home Monday, so that's something to look forward to. My Bestest-M will be coming soon from training in California. Also, B.D. will be returning from basic training. It would be nice to see him. Then there's H.S.S., I wanted to spend some time with him before he leaves to possibly play ball over seas. Seems like I have a lot of men in my life, huh?
Well, I tell you. Most of my ex's are the bestest of friends. When I need them, they are there for me and vice-versa. It's kind of refreshing to be able to talk to them because they already know my background story. You just got to make sure you don't cross the line, which is usually not a problem...

Tid.Bit.7

Lately, I have been really learning a lot about having faith in God. Don't worry, I'm not about to preach or anything, I'm just saying. I was really feeling low a few weeks ago. However, things picked up, I really began to appreciate the good times. I'm a pessimist though, so the thought of "I'm sure the good times are bound to end soon" have popped up in my head. It's not very helpful. Plus, I'm starting to really see how if you look for bad things, you will find them. I need to work on that.
Just yesterday, it felt like the rain was starting to come in. Even today I'm dealing with clouds, but I think it's a test. A test to see, if I will put to use the things I have learned about having faith and thinking positively. I tell you, some bummy things have happened, but I'm going to pray and keep hope alive. I still have things to be thankful for. There are people in far more worse situations as I. If there is a problem, I must give to Him and ask for guidance. I know these things. It's time I incorporate them into my actions.

With that being said,
I hope things are going well for you all.
I have read some of your blogs and I know, from time to time,
We all encounter set-backs or whatnot.
Just keep smiling you gals/guys. =]

"Everything will be okay in the end. If its not okay, its not the end."

-Unknown

Bang.Bang

I'm on a blogging frenzy, eh? Hehe. Anywho, I also was contemplating whether I should cut my bang back or not. I was going to do a poll about it, but I figured it probably wouldn't be successful. So, last night, I went for it. Here is the outcome! I'm happy. =] Also, I was looking for a glosser to use when I flat-iron my hair so it wouldn't be too dry. I found Luster's Pink Glosser. I like it! It does the job, plus this it smells soooo nice! Like perfume, actually!
In Other News...
Also, I just found out who Ryan Leslie is. I had heard his song "Addiction" before, but I didn't know who sung it. I know, I'm pretty late. He's pretty nice. I tell you I've kind of had his song "Gibberish" on repeat. Its a different approach to singing lyrics, thats for sure. Haha. Amy Winehouse, I have a new-found respect for her. I only heard bits of her rehab song, but I dug deeper and she is awesome. She has substance to her songs. I especially love this song.

Four.Page.Letter

Well, not exactly. Thursday, my mom told me I had received a letter from my Bestest-M, he is in the Marines. I found this kind of strange. Although he is going through training, he is able to communicate via cell. Actually, I had talked to him just the day before. So, she said she would double check when she got home.
However, B.D. [baby daddy] had just left for basic training for the Marines this month. I had gave him my address, but we kind of ended on a bad note during our last conversation. I figured that "goodbye" would be our last. That didn't keep me from wondering if it was actually from him. I had been wondering how he was doing. I asked his twin brother, but when he texted me, he never answered my question.
When my mom called back, she told me it was in fact from B.D. I can not lie, I could of cried. Right on the spot. I was so happy. I know, I know...there are many things that need to be worked out between us. I know I've said I was done with him. Etc. Also, I do know I love him, always will. Crazy, I know, I haven't even read the letter yet. Despite all the reasons I shouldn't care, I do.
My Moms has sent it off. I'm sooo anxious for it to get here! I was thanking her repeatedly for sending it right away. She said, "Oh gosh!"
I replied, "I know, its crazy right? I shouldn't be acting like this, huh?"
She then said, "It's alright girl. He's your first love."

Yeah, he is.

Progressive

For the past few days, I have been pretty happy. They have been going sooo well. Thank the heavens. So, Thursday my Homie-B and I went back to the apartment place. He is looking for a place as well. I thought to take pictures this time. =]

Living Room/Bedroom

Bedroom

The Smallest Kitchen Ever [Which I Love]

Bathroom

Closet, yeah you can fit a desk in there!

There it is. I need to let one of my Unc's check it out before I sign anything, but they don't know I'm planning on staying alone. =\ Actually, the only ones who know are my Moms and my big sis. I know if I tell my Unc's, they will leak it to my Grandma and that will be mess-y! She don't like the idea of an apartment at all, if she found out I will be living alone, she would spaz. Sigh, man. I don't want her worrying, ya know.
Anywho, it feels great to get things done. Oh! The interview Wednesday went better than I thought it would. I freakin' hate interviews. Everyone says, "Just be yourself." I get that, its just when they ask questions, my ability to word my thoughts correctly seem to cease. Haha...hm. =| All I can do is just pray about it now tho.

How is your summer going?
Did any of you gals/guys who had goals planned reach any?
Whats going on?
[feel like I haven't talked to you in ages, haha.]

Tid.Bit.6

Meet Robin, my guitar, I miss him. =\
Sorry. I have been slack on bloggin' on here lately. I apologize, to followers new and old. Lately, I've been dealing with a few setbacks and trying to get things set for Fall. As I mentioned before, I got goals to reach this summer.
Yesterday, I went to check out the studio apartment. You guys, I think I am in love. =] Haha. I really believe this is where I wanna be. I should of taken pictures. Yeah, so the smallest room is the kitchen. I mean, its one of those small kitchens you only see in the movies. I think that is why I love it! Its just right for me. I don't cook...all I need is a microwave and boom! I'm ready. =]
As for the rest of the apartment: the bedroom and the livingroom is combined into one. Oddly, I don't mind. Nice sized walk in closet! I mean, I love it! I plan on get my application in this week and have that squared away.
Tomorrow, well this morning I have a interview for a job. [Pray for me!] I know, I should be sleep, but these butterflies are reckless. I'm hoping for the best. My Homie-S really helped me out with this one. I wouldn't have this interview if it wasnt for him. He is awesome. It is good to have friends ya'll.
I'm so happy things are starting to look up for me. Thank God, you know. I've been feeling like the "black sheep." [long story] Now, I feel like I'm really on track again. =]

Hope you're on a good path too.

P.S. I'm on tumblr. Check it out when you got nothing to do. =]

Love.Limitations

How can you put a limit on how soon is too soon to love someone?
I know many times I have questioned myself, "Is it too soon?" Feeling unsure, every time the word is about to slip from my tongue, I surrender and replace it with "like." However, "like" isn't the word I'm feeling; its something a little bit more than that...

...but is that "little bit" enough to deserve the word: Love.

Tid.Bit.5

Jinkies!
I have 80 + 2 followers!
Thanks to you all. =]

This past weekend, my Moms, Grandma, and I went to Alabama to visit my sister. It was quite great. I got some niiiiiice shopping in, made some nifty finds. [You know I'm pretty cheap-cheap.] =] I would of taken pictures, but I'm too lazy. So yeah, maybe later?
Even thought I got a satisfying amount of purchases, it made me miss that paycheck I was receiving during the school year. Unemployment is not what is up. So I'm on the job hunt. Applied to a few locations today. Also, I think I find a place I will like to stay next year. Lord willin', I may be getting a loft! My dream come true. Whooo, it feels like I got a lot on my plate that I need/want to accomplish this summer...

Summer Goals:
1. Find an apartment for Fall semester.
2. Find a job.
3. Get back to my comfortable weight. [I don't even want to go there...]
4. Go to the beach and/or Pennsylvania.
5. Make a final school choice.

How about you? What are your summer goals, if any?

Do.You.Remember

Do You Remember Your First Kiss?

I don't. Tis a sad thing, I guess.

On my birthday, my homie from my "rugrat" days sent me a facebook message telling me happy birthday. He is, in fact, "my homie then" and still is now. We grew up staying basically right behind each other, he was on the other side on "the block."
Anywho, he continued to say, "you also was the first girl i ever kissed LOL.......what good memories." Hm. Well, he told me this before, but by gosh, I just don't remember it! Haha. His story was confirmed by my older sister who, along with his older sister, caught us in the act. Needless to say, my sister then told on me and I supposedly got a "spanking" and my homie was prohibited to come over for a while. =| Was that really necessary? Haha.
He said it went a little like this...
He was about to run back home and before he left he said, "I want to try something I seen on a movie." I said, "Okay." Then boom. Smooches!

Yeah so, blame it on the media. Haha.

Birthday.Cakes

My 20th birthday [May 22] was pretty nice, even though there was no cake. =] My Roomie-J sent me yellow roses =]. She's awesome. I slept-in for as long as I liked. Took my time getting dressed, even applied a little eye make-up. Haha. Then, I went out on a mission for my Nintendo DS Lite. Like I mentioned earlier in the blog, it was going to be a treat for me, myself, and I.
So, I tell you, I went to Wal-Mart and Target, but the real jackpot was GameStop! Oh yes, that shall be my new haven. =] Got the console [I had to settle for Silver instead of Onyx =\] there and they got games for the low-low. What really struck my fancy? I found freakin' Guilty Gear for my DS! GUILTY GEAR! Yesss! I haven't decided what I shall name my DS yet, hm...any suggestions?
After my mission was complete, I chilled with family a bit and soon headed to Mr. N's. As part of my gift, he treated me to the movies. I wasn't too confident in his movie choice at first. I was thinking along the line of the Wolverine movie, but of course, he saw it already. We ended up seeing Night at the Museum 2. I was like...urmmm... He assured it would be a good movie. Eh, he was right. He called me lame because I got a little excited when I recognized the voices of the Jonas Brothers. He's such a haterrr.On my way back to my Unc-R's house, I made a stop to Mickey D's. Shoutout to Mr. Brown and the young sir at the window who hooked me up with "fresh out the oven" chocolate chip cookies. Heck yes! Us Redbones love you too, Mr. Brown. Haha.

All-in-all, it was a pleasant birthday.
I just wanted to actually celebrate it this year and I did. =]

Release

Pardon me, but this is something I must release. The best word to describe what I feel is: defeated.
I'm tired of giving and holding on to people who do not show or give me the same care, respect and attention. I guess it is only fair for me to take half of the blame because when I look back I see all the red flags I ignored. The same red flags that foreshadowed what was to come.
Soon, I grow tired of it. Legs sore from the chase and heart disappointed when I look back and see no one is chasing after me. That is when I give up and when they say, "I've changed." When they finally realize what I gave them and start to miss it, its too late. By that point, I'm too tired to try to hold on any longer. I see no point.
At then end, they give that last hug or kiss and say, "It's been fun." or "It's been amazing." I smile and/or embrace back and reply, "Yeah, it has." or "I wish you the best." I'm not sure if that is the reaction they expect or not, doesn't matter. It comes a time when even the most gullible of people realize the truth.
In conclusion, that is explains the ending between the B.D. and The Baller. Fin.

Na-na-na-na, hey, hey, hey goodbye!

Peace.Up

A Town Down.
Yeah, just had to represent. I've been in Atlanta since Monday, feels like I've been going non-stop. Once I made it, I chilled with Mr. N for the remainder of the day. It felt so weird, cause usually I'm not pressed to return to my dorm at a certain hour, but since I was staying with my Unc, it was a tad different.
Tuesday, Mr. N and I went apartment hunting. It wasn't the most successful outing, but I did find one potential place. Mr. N's dad was saying his apratment complex was nice and affordable, so I may check that out later this week.
Today, I went with my big cuz. She wanted me to ride with her to pay for the bartender classes in June. Isn't that cool? Jinkies, I bet that will be fun. Anywho, before we set out we stop at subway, and when she grab her cup she got two and decided to keep the extra. Theifin'! Haha, but karma got her a**. When she went to crank her car, it did not start...all because of the cup. Haha. It was cool 5 minutes later, it crank and we were on our way.
Later, after we prepared dinner. Mr. N met my uncles and whatnot for the first time. It went smoothly...no biggie really. I was really hoping him and my little cuz would of gotten a chance to duke it out on the court. I would like to see who would of won, but all them gyms were closed. So much for that. =\
So that basically sums up the week...

Random

Sometimes...

Happiness
comes in the form of Facebook messages.

I got my babe backkk. =]

Tid.Bit.4

My mind is saying "Hahahahahahaha! You're such a dweeb!" So, yeah, I guess it would help if I would explain why I'm laughing at myself. Okay, so since I'm interested in a person who does not take initiative...grr, I have to usually step up to the plate first. I sooo do not like doing that. Ugh. Haha. The words were practically on the tip of my tongue. We were saying our goodbyes and I say, "Wait...um...are you...." *silence* "Um...nevermind."
"Are you sure?", says he.
"Uh, yeah.", I replied.
AHHHH! I blew it.
In my mind, I was saying: "Noooo, no what Im trying to say is are you at least a bit happy that I may be returning? Aren't you excited that we are going to look for apartments next week? Do you even miss me at all? Am I the only one?"
Sigh man, big fat SIGH. Things would be sooo much easier if he would just read the signs. Isn't it obvious?
I have the urge to call back, but as the seconds pass the possibility of me doing that decreases...

I'm such a dweeb.
Haha...hm. =\

Back.On.Track

Yeah so, one week til my Birthday! [Just thought I would put that out there. Hehe.]
Today has been pretty nifty. I actually got up around like 11AM, which means I only got a few hours of sleep. Thats part of the plan though. My Bestest-F came over soon and we got ready to head out. She was treating me to Applebee's for a Late Mother's Day gift. Yeah, she is awesome like that. Haha.
It was all good. Then we stopped in a TJ Maxx, it had just opened and I was ready to conquer. Well, maybe not "conquer", cause I don't have that type of cash right not. I didn't come out empty handed. I would post of the pictures, but that would require for me to get up, place out the clothes, take pictures, upload...that just a lot right now. I'm trying my best to stay up til 10:30 so I can start to sleep at a normal hour.
I shall post up later though. Also, I got some e.l.f. foundation a while back and I tried it out today. I bought two shades, cause I couldn't decide, plus they were just a $1 each. I rarely wear foundation, but I figured its something I should have in the make-up bag, just-in-case. Plus, it was cheapo!
Oh yeah, so after talking to my Homie-P, I'm 95% sure that I am going to stay at my current college. I'm quite satisfied with that decision. Mr. N agreed to go with me apartment hunting in a week or so. So yeah.

P.S. You know, like the N.E.R.D. song... I'm starting to think maybe, just maybe the laugh's on me and life was telling me a joke...its funny right?

Not really. =\

Be.Nice

I don't like being so gloomy on here. I don't. From the way I'm feeling, I'm gonna be in this condition for a while. So, I'm going to cut down and just post other things. 

They say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

So, I may post random entries about this and that, but thats about it for a little while.

I think that would be best.

Just.A.Thought

    Maybe I'm bi-polar? Just a thought. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm not hiding the shadows of my mind as much anymore. It being summer, I don't have much of an audience to smile and perform happiness for anymore. Sometimes, putting a smile on my face can be hard. It should be simple. It would take all of me to try to block these thoughts. I think it is impossible to not think about it. This is what I feared would come. Silence and being lost in thought.

    I don't mean to come across as ungrateful. I am well aware of the many blessings God as placed upon me. I feel guilty feeling down, when there is plenty of people out there in a worst condition than me. Especially, since I can't give a name to exactly what is wrong. It's been with me for a while though. I don't remember when it move in and made a home in my chest. I know its there. It's unmistakeable the times it grows heavy while I try to hold back my tears.

   For so long, I seem to place myself around people who I feel need me. Mainly in relationships concerning love. Helping with their problems keep me from placing light on mine. Making sure they are fine, keeps me from checking on my own condition. Listening to them, keeps my thought from echoing. Then, there are moments, when no one is in my waiting room. No one to tend to, no one to distract me, and I'm imprisoned in my mind. 

    I'm stronger than this, I know I am. I know. Most of the blame should be placed on me. I've become accustomed to the darkness. I will admit. I keep it inside. I don't want it to affect others. I don't want run anyone away. Plus, I wouldn't appreciate the sunshine without darkness, right?

It's just one of my dark seasons. Thats all. I'll make it. I just got to wait it out. Wait for the sun again. Just like before...

Insomnia.Much?

    This is becoming a concern. This is the second night in a row that I have not been able to go asleep. On my way back from hanging with Cali and his fam, I was so sleepy. I tell you, its something about me and the sound of the road. That jive really soothes me. Once I got home and settled, my sleepiness wore away. =\

    Anywho, I enjoyed myself today. I've missed hanging with Cali and his fam. His niece and nephew are so precious. They cling right to me, makes me feel missed. Haha. Blew bubbles and had ice cream today. Hadn't done that in a while...the blowing bubbles part. He says he will help me tone up this summer, on the weekends. We shall see how that goes.

    Well, I'm listening to Frank Sinatra's "Fly Me to the Moon." I would love to dance gracefully around a ballroom to this song. Hmm. Well, I guess I will lay down and hope to drift off to sleep. I doubt I will nod off until its time for my mom to go to work. Eh, that means I will just slip in her bed and have it allllll to myself. =]

P.S. He called. =] He just don't know, he could easily fly me to the moon...

You're.So.Baddd

Watching E! and they had this pic up, with the face blocked. 

Yeah, so I pride myself that I knew who bod this belonged to without seeing the face. 

Chea! 

[Jinkies, I haven't said that in a while.] 

Lenny, Lenny, Lenny...

Mmm.

For.Your.Info

Sooo, I'm watching Chelsea Lately and during the commercial break, guess what pops up! 

The Neckline Slimmer

[Click to see Commercial]

Yeah, I was amazed. They actually have a product for this?!

I mean, I do have a little extra in the jawbone area, but I'll pass. =\

Where.I.Wanna.Be

    So, I'm pulling a Donell Jones right about now. I have no freaking idea where I wanna be. I know I mentioned previously in my blog about me returning to my previous college. I was sooo sure. Mainly because I know it was cheaper. After discussing the money issue with my Unc-E, I got that department covered. Now, the decision is really up to me and I'm on the fence... I'm so indecisive.
    Although, I wasn't as involved in my second college, I was beginning to finally get my foot in the door and dig in. I was starting to enjoy it there, you know get settled in. However, my first college is so convient and I was more involved, but do I really want to go back? Grr-age! If I'm not stressing about one thing, its another. I've tried comparing and all, but I'm still at a standstill. I've tried talking it out with others, still no help.
    I talked to my mom and so we came to the decision that I will wait and see how it will affect my credits. If I will lose too many credits, I will just stay at my current college, if not then I will go back to the first. *sigh* But why am I not satisfied with that process? I really feel like it needs to be a decision of desire. I need to find out where I wanna be...


P.S. My mom laughed and said, "If you stay, Mr. N is going to think you made all that up about leaving just to break with him." I replied, "Hmph, serves him right. I'm so disappointed in him."
I know, I should just get over it. I will, on my own time.
That jive hurted me, mayne, on the insides...the insides! Haha.
[I know "hurted" isn't a word.]

Mother's.Day

    I'm sooo glad I am alive to spend another Mother's Day with my Mom and Grandma. Even if it is bittersweet. They are awesome. Right now, I am ever so thankful for the few loved ones who thought of me. I was a little hesitant to go to church today. I mean, it had been a while since I've been and I wanted to go. But on Mother's Day, it gets rough. I held back the tears, just as I am now. 

    I miss my kid. I miss the kicks to let me know he was here with me. I hate I wasn't granted the chance to hear him laugh, cry...just to see him open his eyes. I hate that I didn't appreciate those moments with him, until it was too late. It wasn't in God's plans. He is in a better place, but I can't help but to wonder...

Am I the reason you are not here?

For that, I don't think I could ever forgive myself.

Remember: 

Appreciate every moment. 

Every second of it.

Just.One.Of.Them.Days

...long pause, no response.

Me: Night.

Him: Night love.

Me: Don't call me that. Not tonight.

Him: Wow.

Me: Ugh. You wouldn't understand. Night.

Him: That's your assumption. Happy Mother's Day.

I was told if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. 

Therefore, it ended there.

Jive like that is the reason I just let my phone die.

No charging for Lupe tonight. 

Do away with the bulljive.

Fin.

Tid.Bit.3

Just Got Paid, It's Friday Night...

    I meant to go out and shop on my own today. The time has flown by though. I think I'm bout to rush and put something on. Then maybe even treat myself to Applebee's! Yesss. N.B. just texted me, maybe he can come along. Then, I can get the 2 for $20 deal. Hmmm....

   As an early birthday [May 22] gift to myself, I was planning to buy this. Ima have to wait a week or two more, but I'm excited. =] I saw it on the commercial with Beyonce, but I wasn't sold til I played my little cousin's. So much fun and portable. Can you say fun on the go?

Speaking of that, here is my little cousin and I. I look cross-eyed or something for some reason in this and don't mind the off-key singing and my dance-face. Hehe. Who cares? We had fun! Enjoy.

Bounce!

Play.Dress.Up

   So, yesterday I went to Mr. N's birthday BBQ. Like his friend said, we kind of "paused" the movie at the sad part and went back to normal programming. It was really cool. Not awkward at all. I met his God-Mother. I was nervous, from what I gather, she was hard to impress. She said, "I finally get to meet Amber. I've heard a lot about you. I see its all true." *I put up the nervous look, thinking what all does she know?* "Don't worry it was all good." *She smiles and I give a breath of relief* Whew. 

   I surprised him by getting three of his close friends in on a water gun attack. Instead of 20 hits, he got bombarded. Haha. We got him good. Soon it became a girls vs. boys war, but us two girls came out on top. It was one point I had him cornered. We were alone and we kissed, I didn't want it to end. Jinkies man. Ugh! Then we walked out like it didn't happen. =\ Eh. Soon, they were getting ready to go to the club. My hair was a mess, attire not up to par, and I had spent up to my last on his birthday.

    After I left I was in the mood to get dressed up, go out and be bad. I needed to do something so I wouldn't have to think about Mr. N. I couldn't find any takers, but one. The H.S.S. [High School Sweetheart]. Our relationships were hell, but friendship-wise, we can count on each other. I'm so grateful for that. I dressed up in my black dress, new heels, and went riding with him. He knows just how to cheer me up, all it takes is one car ride. =] Something about the sound of the road or something. Hm.

    Came back to the dorm. I got in the groove, dancing and singing to the old jamz with the co-workers. It was soo fun. The night ended well. I didn't go be bad, but I had fun. Just what I needed. =]

Trek.Me.Down

As I promised, if I got to get in the preview for the new release Star Trek, I would let you all know how it was. As a girl who never was into Star Trek before, I would give this movie:

✰✰✰✰✰

    Yes! It was really good! I mean, I have an appreciation for action movies. This also had a tweek of romance and drama too. Despite all that, I think it was very successful because it made me want to learn more about the whole Star Trek saga. I want to be a "Trekker" too! Haha. It has many familiar faces in the movie, including Zoe Saldana and Tyler Perry! Yes, I said Tyler Perry. Hehe. There is also an appearance from one of the OG's, original characters, of Star Trek. So, if you like action/drama/sci-fi give it a try. I actually plan to see it again, which is a rare thing indeed!

Live Long and Prosper

April.Showers

...bring May flowers! 

Well, enough of my showers of sadness! Everything else in life is freaking great, so don't mind me if I just dwell on the bright things for a moment. =] Hehe. I'm all giddy, listening to The Isley Brothers "Summer Breeze". [I love the electric guitar in this song. Yeah!] 

    So today I was awoken by my celly. I had put in to be a Summer Instructor for the ETS program at the school I plan to go back to in the fall. Amber loves the kids. =] So anywho, they were calling to arrange an interview. Wish me luck! My freshmen year, I was an ETS Mentor during the academic year and I had a blast! So, I hope it leads back to my old Mentor job as well. That would be totally awesome.

Want to know what else is totally awesome?

    My Homie-B just rang me up. We were planning to hang out today. Lo and behold, at his job, they were giving free passes to go see the Star Trek movie today. Yes, dos dias before the release date! I'm so hyped right now. Man, looking on the bright side is quite rewarding. =] Seats are not guaranteed though, so we are going to try and get there early. I hope we can get in. If so, I shall let ya'll know how it goes. Hey, if we can't I don't mind hitting this cool thrift shop with him again. Pick up some goodies. Like I said, I will let ya'll know how it turns out. 

Remember:

Pray & Put on a Smile Today

And.The.Beat.Goes.On

    If I could, I would pull out the old school record and put the needle down to The Whispers "And The Beat Goes On." I mean, I have to admit... I was a little hurt that he didn't even want to try, but eh...it happens. In the end, I think it will be for the best. Its just, it made me feel like he felt I wasn't even worth the try. What is weird is, now, it seems like he is making me the bad person. Just cause I was willing to break it off now, instead of becoming more attached and waiting until I was about to get in the car for home. Why wait, when his decision was already made? I guess, he wanted to "pretend it wasn't happening" til after his birthday, Thursday. I didn't see the point, it was already out there...shoot "admit it, you did it." That's life though. You have to make some hard decisions. Hm, I will miss him though. I really will. 

"I might as well get over the blues. Just like fishing in the ocean, there'll always be someone new."

In Other News...

N.B. is coming into town Thursday. It has been a while since I mentioned him. Its just a lot happened before I even began this blog and its a tad tiring to try to totally fill you all in. To sum it up, he is a cool guy with nice style, like Mr. Bentley mixed with Common. Haha. We were talking once upon a time, but I just felt it was too good to be true. He was so popular and I didn't think I was his type, I didn't get why he was into me. I went looking for "the catch", made the mistake of asking around and listening to word of mouth and then we got a tad distant. Two weeks or so ago, I learned that his words were true [refer to vlog 1]. It was too late, or so I thought... I can't wait to see him. I love how he makes me feel like the most special person in the word. Even in my most bum-y of attire and just washed hair, he makes me feel so beautiful. Tehe. *blush* Don't worry I won't make him the rebound or anything, but I do plan to enjoy being in his company. 

As for the future, well we'll just have to see... 

Q.&.A

Remember that question that was resonating in my head? 

Well, tonight I got the answer...

We broke up. 

Fin. 

Tid.Bit.2

    So maybe watching Gossip Girl on the web and working 8 hours in a row was not the best of ideas. I've had plenty to think and now I'm feeling a bit tipsy. Haha. I mean, don't you hate it when you watch something and it just inspires you to take a risk, make a sweet phone call in my case. I wasn't too happy with what had transpired in the last 24 hours. I was in the mood for a make-up scene, PG of course. It just sucks when it doesn't work like you planned. Eh, I still get to spend time with him, just not as soon as I hoped.=\ Jinkies, Gossip Girl and its sweet yet twisted, but romantic antics. Get ya every time...

...two more hours to go and I'll shall be able to get a decent amount of rest. Until then, I shall be pondering. Who knows I may break my record and post three times in one day!

Everyday.Im.Hustlin

<- [One drawing of many, I hope.]
    As you all know, school is out for me. Doesn't mean I can relax just yet. My housing department extended my move-out date as long as I worked this week. So I took the opportunity. Finding a job back at home, during the summer, is not promised at all. I don't want to be broke at home, plus, I need to start saving for school too. So I took the opportunity to get the max 40 hours this week. Woo-hoo. =|

    Sunday, I worked 12 hours. Thats 2 hours shy of what I usually work in one week! I'm proud of myself...I've been hanging in there. Cat naps in-between shifts have been keeping me charged. I think I will be able to make it. [I think I can, I think I can...] Especially since we're allowed to bring our laptops now. =] Its been good though. I have actually been drawing. I had lost the desire to draw on my own will. School assignments will do that to you. Plus, I didn't have much motivation or inspiration. Now, I do. I put into each drawing a piece of me I need to get out...

    Thats another thing, I think I need to really get some things figured out about myself. Get to know the girl in the mirror again. Set some goals and actually stick to them until their accomplished. I want to get at a point in my life where I feel happy about the things I'm doing and decisions I make. I wish I could go into detail, but it just something about people you actually know reading your blog. It hinders freedom of speech, it shouldn't, but it does...

Well, back to my 12am-8am shift. =\

Changes

I know, I haven't updated in a while. I have been going through a lot in the last few days. Trying to study for finals, figure out moving out details, deciding where I'm going to go to college, and, of course, finances. A WHOLE LOT! I tell you, I was stressing to the point of tears Wednesday night. It seemed like everything was falling on me, too much weight. I will have to admit it was my fault. I should have taken care of things better, I guess.

So basically, like my Mom said, I was "at a crossroads." She asked, "Without thinking about money, where do you wanna be?" She said I could take my time and think about it, but I already knew my answer. So, I will be transferring back to my previous school. I was wayyy more involved there, the people were friendlier, and the surroundings is better. Plus, its cheaper! I know, I shouldn't let money decide where I go. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I've been told that, but...what does that really mean? Especially when I have to basically pay for it myself. Of course, money will be a deciding factor. The money my mom saved was soaked up this semester, times are hard, and she has done so much for me [and my sister.]

I've prayed about this and I believe it is a good decision. I came here to be sure I wasn't missing out on anything. I came, I saw...I wasn't missing a thing. Time for me to go back, well, get back to the other track. Even though a lot of questions have been answered there is one that is really resonating...

"What about Mr. N and I?"

Let.Go.&.Shop

    I feel a bit better emotionally, thank you to those posted the "get well"s. Haha. I mean, there is still things on the brain, but I find it to be a little useless to be the only one stressing issues. I mean, if the other person is not making an effort to resolve the issue, I refuse to just stand under the rain cloud. If they are willing to say "bye", I got to suck it up and say "bye" and walk away. I know this may make no sense, but yeah... Haha. So to cure all my troubles, I've been taking doses of Otis and The Delfonics. Oldies are the best! =]

    Anywho, despite a downfall, here and there, I really enjoyed my weekend home. In two weeks I will be back and I'm excited about that. I hope to get plenty of rest. As for this go-round, I got some little shopping in...

Everything but the jeans [Its Fashion] are from Rue 21. 

The shirts were $5 each, the jeans were $11. 

Thats actually the back side of the shirt at the left.

Yeah, one earring is missing, but it was on sale and I will only wear one at a time anyway.

My mom told me I needed to wear more heels so my arch won't drop. =\ 

These were just $10, so why not?

Yeah, so shopping was delightful. 

Draft.Pick

Just in time, I finally found something that really lifted my spirits! In turn, I must thank GOD, cause HE is pretty awesome. What has me sooo excited? My big cuz...

Congrats Jaimie

Drafted by the Colts!!!

I'm so proud. He really wanted this so bad.

All the hard work and faith paid off in the end. =]

Down.Time

    This is purely ri-di-cu-lous. I intended to go home, enjoy the fam, be with my two bestest friends, and basically relax. Yeah I did, it has been great! However, I forgot about the downtime. What's crazy is my Twinnie and I just had a discussion about it earlier this week. I'm fine as long as I have something to occupy my mind, but once I'm idle in thought, there it goes. I sit and just think away, which is usually not a good thing. I hate sounding weary on the blog so much. I usually pull it off. I'm pretty optimistic for a pessimist. =] But I need some type of outlet though, somewhere I can take off the mask. Sorry to my followers, I promise the "sunshine" me will be back shortly. Its just one of those days--well nights. Right now...

...to be honest, I just wish he was here.

Tid.Bit

    Summer is so freaking close I can almost feel the rays and taste the delight! Yesss. So two tests down, three more to go. Not too shabby. Only test I'm really worried about is my Art History exam. Ima pray for the best tho. For my fellow scholars, hope the last few weeks of school are swell! =] I'm counting down the day, as you can see at the top right. I actually am going to make a list of things or goals for this summer. Do something productive with my life. Haha.

Hm, Ima post that up later.

   I was planning on going home, but that didn't quite work out. I think I will vlog about that later, too much to type. Thank the Heavens, I'm safe tho. Ima leave at 5 or 5:30AM though, which means, I need to get some shut eye. Post Laterrr.

Powerful

    From experience, I feel that someone must have some type of power over you if they can make you cry, angry, or instantly fill you with happiness. No matter the distance or the time that sets you two apart, they may still have that ability. Love almost make this power infinite. No matter who comes along or what happens, sometimes, there will be that one person who has acquired enough of your energy, of your love, that they will forever be apart of you. There will always be connection. 

    This could be a very dangerous situation if it is not equally mutual, abused or taken for granted. That is why it is so important that you are mindful to whom you invest your time, love, and energy. However, if the feelings and power is equally shared...it can be a very beautiful thing.

Distressments.and.Etc

First Video Bloggg!

It's not the greatest, but eh...

Its late, I'm bored and distressed and this is a product all of that.

Enjoy =]

If you have any advice on how to get some clarity, let me know. =]

I got a text today...guess who it was from...

MY BESTEST-MALE-FRIEND COLT!

     Yes, I'm super-di-duper hyped because I've been missing him so! He was gone for training to get set for Iraq in September. =\ He is looking forward to going. Me, on the other hand, I'm not looking forward to it. He says he wants to go ahead and do his "duty." He doesn't like sitting around. Figures, for a Marine. I've already began to pray for his safe return home and to me! Anywho, I've already got my shifts covered for the weekend so I can go home and spend time with him before he is off to training again. I'm excited. Plus, I've been wanted to go home. Hitting two birds with one stone. 

Summertime

     So starting today, I need to stay focused to end the school year right. This week is our last week of class, next week finals. I have 2 tests this week and 3 next week. Not too shabby. After that, I will be staying at my Unc-E's until Mr. N's birthday [May 7th]. Then, I shall be heading back home for the summer. This summer seems like it will be pretty neat. June 20th I shall be heading to Harrisburg, Penn. P.A. Stand up! Hehe. It's been a while since I've been up there to visit the fam. What are your summer plans?