5.13.2009

Just.A.Thought

    Maybe I'm bi-polar? Just a thought. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm not hiding the shadows of my mind as much anymore. It being summer, I don't have much of an audience to smile and perform happiness for anymore. Sometimes, putting a smile on my face can be hard. It should be simple. It would take all of me to try to block these thoughts. I think it is impossible to not think about it. This is what I feared would come. Silence and being lost in thought.
    I don't mean to come across as ungrateful. I am well aware of the many blessings God as placed upon me. I feel guilty feeling down, when there is plenty of people out there in a worst condition than me. Especially, since I can't give a name to exactly what is wrong. It's been with me for a while though. I don't remember when it move in and made a home in my chest. I know its there. It's unmistakeable the times it grows heavy while I try to hold back my tears.
   For so long, I seem to place myself around people who I feel need me. Mainly in relationships concerning love. Helping with their problems keep me from placing light on mine. Making sure they are fine, keeps me from checking on my own condition. Listening to them, keeps my thought from echoing. Then, there are moments, when no one is in my waiting room. No one to tend to, no one to distract me, and I'm imprisoned in my mind. 
    I'm stronger than this, I know I am. I know. Most of the blame should be placed on me. I've become accustomed to the darkness. I will admit. I keep it inside. I don't want it to affect others. I don't want run anyone away. Plus, I wouldn't appreciate the sunshine without darkness, right?
It's just one of my dark seasons. Thats all. I'll make it. I just got to wait it out. Wait for the sun again. Just like before...

2 comments:

TJ .. said...

wowwwwww
every single line proves true in my life right now.. probably why im here commenting blogs stead of celebrating my birthday lol
what are we gunna do? lol

-Terray

.rawkii said...

I'm glad you can relate to how I feel. Sometimes, it can feel like I'm the only one. Haha. Ah gee, go out there and celebrate your b-day! [I can't talk, I don't know what I'm going to do on mine.]
Hm, what are we going to do? Haha.