SMH

Wow. I'm such a loser. I haven't posted since August. Where has the time gone?

School Starts...

...next Monday. I'm not sure if I'm ready...emotionally. I love that this summer hasn't flown by like ones before. I feel so much has happened and although it has ended with the cutting of ties with people I was "close" to...it was still a great summer. I've met new people and learned a lot.
Its just, I feel like things will be slightly different now. Awkward. Seeing now that 2/3 of my usually crew aren't talking to me. However, I have my Sorors, a few guy friends, and co-workers to lean on. Even if things are reconciled, it won't be the same. My view has changed [theirs probably have too] and I won't let them get that close to me again. Maybe I have new people set to enter my life. Maybe its a process I have to learn.

School is now in session.

Quotation:

I would wish this pain away, but then what will I have left to prove that it was ever real?

I Want to Thank...

As I sit down and think about the events of this week, I realize I have some thanks [flowers] to give:

• Radio - For giving me great laughs when I needed it.
• Co-workers - For listening.
• My Bro [Sis's boyfriend] - We have a love/hate relationship, but when it counts, we drop that game and he did that. He looked out for me and in the midst of trouble in his close family [his mom being very ill] he took the time to make sure doing okay and looking for alternative apartments.
• My Big Cuz, Sis, Aunt - You helped me understand the danger I was about to face and really bring things into sight.
• My Uncs - For being the "father" I never had.
• Roomie 1 - For truly being understand about how I felt and feel. You make me realize that I may have been sticking close to the wrong people and overlooking the good.
• Roomie 2 - For teaching me the lesson to never get too comfortable and that you never really know some people. I'm sure you feel the same about me cause you think my actions were selfish. I'm sorry if you feel that way, but I'm not sorry for what I did.
• Leo - For telling me to go with my gut and talking to me, being there when I needed it.
• My Mom - You know how much you mean to me. You keep me solid. Sometimes with out you and of course, God, I feel like sand being swept away by gusts of wind, but you come in the nick of time like of flash of lightening and I become a solid and beautiful as crystal.

Caution, Friends Ahead

This week has been...tiring, to say the least. It began Sunday. I tell my sister about the apartment and two of my friends/old roomies were set to move into the follow Saturday. She was saying how cool it will be cause her boyfriend lives in that area. Five minutes or so later, I get a call from her boyfriend. He feels like family, so I call him bro. He asks about the apartment and when he says, "Who idea was this?" I knew there was trouble. Come to find out, it was one of the roughest spots around. He continue to tell me, we should definitely try to find somewhere else. He then instructed me to talk to my friends, so I call the one I'm closest to about and told her to pass the word.
Although we had went through the application process and put down our security deposit, I was sure we would all be aboard trying to find something better for our safety. Boy was I wrong.
Basically, as the week progressed, I talked to my family members who've leaved in this city for basically their whole lives. It was clear it was not a place for us. However, the people my friends talked to told them "it's not that bad, etc."
So it all ended up with me seeming to be the bad person. =\ It came down to a talk and they were saying it was up to me. That they wouldn't want me to stay some where I'm not comfortable. To just sleep on it and go with what I felt in the morning. So that night I prayed, woke up and I felt "no."
Now I am apparently out one of my to friends, lo and behold, it was the one I was closest too. I haven't heard from her. However, my other friend filled me in this morning about their new living arrangements, which I was happy to here. They needed a place to stay. She asked if I was okay and I was, I texted "I must say, to be honest, I'm just glad ya'll arent living in that area." To my surprise, she agreed.
Later today, I went on twitter, and I went looking for things I didn't want to find which was my fault. The friend I thought I was closest to had subtweeted all about me. Saying it shows my true character, she thought she knew me, all the money we had paid went to waste, etc. I refuse to react to those things.
She claims, I wasn't a true friend. I feel the opposite. Safety and peace of mind comes first. My feelings are hurt, but I have no regrets except for not finding out more on the area earlier. However, I believe I needed to live this, its a lesson to learn. About myself and others close around me too. Things will never be the same.

The Other Guys + Step Up 3D

Last weekend was movies-galore! Friday, I went out with Leo to see The Other Guys. I thought it was pretty funny. Honestly, I was going to see it because Leo suggested it. I thought it was going to be a dud, but I really enjoyed it. It was a great mixture of talent in the cast. Hehe. I lol'd quite a few times.
Saturday, I went out with this guy I had met sometime before. He is a very talented performer/dancer. We hadn't really hung out and he seemed pretty cool, so when he offered to hit the movies, I accepted. For the purposes of this blog, I think I shall call him, Roboto. =]
Stereo and I had a great time. The movie was awesome. I have a major new crush. His name? Chadd Smith. This guy is so gorgeous and super talented! Jinkies. *swoon*

Well Da*m

After a lot of thought and talking with some of my good friends, I have come to a realization. I was wrong. I was wrong in thinking that my reasons for staying or returning back to Mr. N for so long were more noble than his. I was over here venting, talking smack while all along, I was sticking around for the same reasons I criticized him for.
It started to hit me when someone asked, "Do you think you really loved him, since you could let him go so easily?" I quickly thought and said, "You know what, I don't think I did." I know what that kind of break up feels like. It is horrible! Your thoughts, feelings, everything feels torn. Its like when that person left, they took half of you.

I didn't feel that.

Then when I think about the reasons I miss him, guess what number one is: Sex. Yeah, I also miss laughing with him or looking into those brown eyes...

Same as him saying "I enjoy your company and I like looking at you."

Sooo remember that truth I was looking for? I've found it.

I owe someone an apology.

Well damn.

Sunny Side Up!

Last two posts were...depressing. I know. So to end things on a good note before I head to bed, here are some positive things going on:

• I move in my apartment with my two good friends and old roomies on the 14th!
• Things with the newsletter were rocky, but seem to be shaping up. I just need to learn how to delegate and plan ahead.
• My Mom is the best, she is always there to give me words of peace. They always come to the rescue, why did I ever doubt her? Oh her birthday is Sunday July 8!
• I get to go see Step Up 3D with a friend of mine. He is sweet and I haven't seen him in a while. Will be nice to catch up. Plus a great movie!
• I bought some healthy foods to keep the pounds and sickness away. The lack of Subway in my diet this week was starting to make me feel bad. I'm use to it 3-4 week.
• Leo called tonight. Nice to know I'm still on his mind and we've made plans to go see The Other Guys on Friday. [I like his good timing...thats another post for another day.]
• My Uncle is better, he was having heart problems, but actually made a call here today and should be released to rehab to regain his balance in a few days.
• I have family and friends who love me, I'm attending college, I have a job, I can read and write, I see no battle, I have food and water and some money, a baby angel that looks after me, somewhat peace of mind, and I'm alive!

There is so much more I could list that I thank the Heavens for. I need to remember to reflect back on the big and small blessings I have. Not only does it keep me afloat, but there all many on this world who aren't so fortunate.

So give some free love today! =]

The End: Mr. N

I know I sound like a broken Keyshia Cole record, but *sings* I've Chaaanged Myyy Miiind... I don't love Mr. N. no more! Nah, I don't love you no more.
Okay, let me stop frontin', Denzelin'. What happened this time? Well, after a night of drinking, Mr. N calls and comes to see me like 6am in the morn. We are talking picking at each other, I say the smart remark, "...but you love me tho." equipped with the neck roll. Then what did I see? Hesitation written all on that face of his. It got very very dark then.
To spare word count and reading time, I have separated our argument into his and my side.
Mr. N's Side:
He doesn't really love me, he just said it in return so he wouldn't be a "dickhead." He does, however, have feelings for me and likes me. He still doesn't think I have anything to talk about and he feels that all his attempts at communication are to no avail. BUT he still enjoys my company and likes looking at me. So for some odd reason he likes me because despite our lack of chemistry, unlike his other girlfriends, our sex has moved "from good to great." Also, possibly moving in with each other or a similar "circumstance" would help him "grow to love" me.

My Side:
So you lied to me. Annnd you are just here for the sex. Great.

The Truth:
They say there is your side, their side, and somewhere inbetween, lies the truth.
Do you see it?

I'm not going to act like I'm all right and I've been perfect. I'm no where near. As for the truth I do know...we are done. I told him I prefer to let him go so he can find a girl with the good sex, chemistry and convo. that he wants. He said, I was trying to rush things. We've been going at it for a year and a half and haven't went anywhere. No improvement, except for sex, obviously. We need to move on. He considers that as me "giving up" on him. I think we both deserve better, someone who is a better fit for us and our needs. This has been long overdue. He said he does not break up "on a nice note" so he vowed to never speak to me again. Hence him deleting me from facebook, and probably myspace too, but I don't even get on there anymore. *shrugs*
Gah, I feel stupid. Him telling me he loved me that night, gave me hope that things could possibly get better. Stupid girl, stupid, stupid girl. Can't blame anyone really, but myself.

But now, when I think about it, I ask myself:
Did I ever really love him? Or did I lie too?

The Awkward Turtle Tales

Hm, I guess we can say the rainbows and infatuation stages have cleared. The white puffy clouds are gone. Now I'm laying under the blue sky. Still enjoying the sun though...still a pretty day.
What happened? Well...
Yesterday, Cb. and I were textin' it up as us-u-al. Then it goes a little something like this.
Cb.: Wait, I need to know how you want me...I'm confused.
Me: Wait, seriously? [Cause we play with each other all the time like we are cuddle buddies]
Cb.: lol yea
Me: I like you, but I don't feel like I know you well enough to want more than a friendship. I thought you just wanted a friendship?
Cb.: Oh okay. I was just making sure we were on the same page.
Cb.: Cause I don't want a relationship right now. lol
Me: Oh okay. Cool.
Me: So there weren't any misunderstandings at all.
Cb.: Right. Okay.
**Cue the awkward turtle who slowly walks in, flips on his back, and waddles there**

Now, I'm on a hard "fall back" mode. I do not like for my actions to seem fast or coming on too strong or be misinterpreted. Texting has come to an halt, unlike before. I refuse to bother him and when he texts, I don't know what to say really. My comfort zone has been shot. He use to call each night once he got off work and start up a text convo. once he made it home that lasted for hours. None of that. My friend says, I need to shake it off and just go on as before, but from her "Uh-oh," she knew I've enter that place of no return.

It was fun while it lasted. Didn't I know it though?! I told myself to just "enjoy these moments." Welp, they are gone...
So me and awkward turtle are going to resuming laying on our backs now. Good day.

Again & Another Again

My life soundtrack includes John Legend's Again and Another Again right now. =| Yesterday, I found myself back in the arms of my past. Yeah, you may have guessed it: Mr. N. Gahh! Why is it so hard to leave him alone? We fight and separate over the smallest of things. Elementary things!

Then sooner or later, we return.

Why do I miss him? I tell you, I looked at those pretty brown eyes yesterday and...sighhh.
Did I mention I confessed my love to him in a drunken state while I was in Orlando? I didn't? Oh, yeah, well...I did. I blame it on the alcohol. I remember it all, but when the drinks are poured, I feel free to say or do whats on my mind. It could have been worse. At least he said he loved me back. *shrugs*

So, yeah...like John said, "We're doing it again."

Can you sense my excitement?

Quotation:

"Scared for this to last forever & here I thought I was being clever. They say never say never, but I'll never believe there can't be better."

New! "Quotation"

I think I am going to begin posting FB Stats or Tweets that really mean something to me. These will be original quotes by me. I need a place where I can easily come back to and reflect on them.

Like Life Updates 7.28

Love, such a fickle thing.

Okay, love is not fickle...I am. Plus, I'm not on love at the moment, hence "Like Life." So the past few days I have been living it up. After kissing my Bestest-M once more, a goodbye kiss, if you will, I returned back to the city. Like I said before, our relationship, I feel, hasn't really changed. Yay!
So who have I been swooning over lately? The New Guy, you guess? Nooope. Also, from this moment on, we shall call him, Leo.

[New guy -> Leo]

Why the name change? Well, it was overdue annnd there is a new like interest: Cb. It stands for a delightful lil nickname that I already call him. I've known Cb. before actually. I met him sometime this past year at school. Never really gave him much thought. I thought he may be interested in me before, but he is really close to a good friend of mine, plus other small underlying things I had heard. Then said good friend of mine kind of suggested the idea. I tinkered on it.
We've been textin like rabbits since. Textin' not sextin'. I love talking with him. I feel like I am digging under the surface of my first impression of him and I've found something wonderful: a weirdo. Someone who is as weird, if not a bit more, as me. Happiness comes in the form...
We sometimes lightly brush on the idea of our attraction for each other, which is good. I don't like to be too obvious and if I feel like there is nothing new to discover or gain, I tend to get bored. So I think it is best he keeps me, and I him, on my toes.

Honestly, you guys, I'm loving how easy it is to talk to him. I can be as silly or random as I want and he goes right with it. He doesn't make me feel completely odd or overly silly, like others. However, I know about infatuation stages, how they come and go, so I keep telling myself not to get too comfortable, to just enjoy these moments for what they are...moments. No one knows how long they'll last, but I'm hoping...

Inception Review:

Goooo see it!

Okay, okay. I won't hype it up too much, cause then you will be like, "I don't see the big deal..." due to all of the positive reviews I'm sure you've been hearing. So quietly, I politely insist you go see it. Most importantly, well not most, but its high priority, see him...

Salt

Last night me and the Bestest-M went to see Salt. I think it was a pretty good movie. Especially if it kept me awake. I had just got back from Florida yesterday and we went to the 12:05 show. The plot was interesting...not too predictable. Not good enough for me to sit and watch again. All in all, I would recommend it, but if you want to save, its a movie you can wait to see on DVD release.
As for tonight, we are going to see Inception. =] I'm excite!

While I Was Away

Whoa skipped a few days there. Thought I was giving up the blogging fight again?
Haha. No, I was in Florida at a family reunion for about a week. Reunited and it feels so goood.
What have I been doing? Well...

• I got to see my cousin [one of my fav. cousins, shhh] who I had not seen in 7-8 years! Way too long, right? It was so nice to see him. =]
• I went to the pool at least every other day for hours.
• Got a nice tan, thanks to my pool activities and my cousin's bronzer.
• I've been jet skiing. Fell off 4-5 times, which I still say was my cousin's fault. Haha.
• Washed my hair everyday, which I've learned to make a 30 min process instead of 1-2 hour(s). Now I'm moisturizing.
  
• Been away from the computer and fully entertained. Crazy right?
• Danced with and almost kissed a girl and I liked it.
• Drank my first 4loko. Caution!
• Felt relaxed. It's been a while.
  

I need to do these things more often. Well, some of these things...

Good or Bad Friend Moment

So, if you kiss your best guy friend...is it a good or bad friend moment?
I don't know, but thats what happened. It was nice too. Not some thing I plan to do often. What I love most is that there was no awkward moment. Everything is still the same. As if it never happened. =]
Since we've made an agreement to marry each other at 27, if we aren't taken already, I think its good to know we won't have any awkward intimacy issues.

Random: Heartbeat

If I could choose the rhythm of my heartbeat, it would be the drum sequence from Justin Timberlake's "Lovestoned". You know, the second half of the song where it is slowed down a bit. I love turning it up in my car and just breathing that part of the song in. Deep. I turn it up loud enough so the bass travels through my seat and echos inside me.

If you could choose, what would be your beat?

One Step Ahead

Today, my bestest friend came to my town for her birthday. So when I met up with them after they ate, I was looking for a place for us to go. I called the New Guy,
Please note, I just had a great time with him the night before. I loved how he took me to places I had never been before. Last night he took me to this diner/bar/karaoke place. Comfort level was awesome for it to be so soon. I reckon thats where I went wrong: Don't ever get too comfortable.
Back to tonight, I called the New Guy asked him for suggestion as to where to go. He said he didn't go out much. Understandable. I then said, "Yeah, I would have invited you to come out, but I was sure you were tired." *shrugs* We had a late night. He replies, "Yeah, I'm tired." Understandable.
After getting off the phone, I decided to take the group of us to the place he took me to last night. We had a blast! Danced and laughing. Just cutting rugs. Getting late, we walk out...take a few steps. Lo and behold, guess who car I see! -_-
Granted, we are not committed, so he can go as he pleases. But dude, telling me you're tired and you cutting it early, only to later be seen out. Sorry, it don't give me a good vibe. It may have been completely harmless, a last minute plan. But my eyebrow and suspicion has been raised.
Glad things panned out as they did, cause I needed that smack in the face. Its just a game out there; I almost forgot:

Always stay one step head.

The New Guy

I meant to write up about the "New Guy" and our date Tuesday night. [I will refer to him as NG until I come up with a more fitting nickname.] It was nice! I really enjoyed myself! We met at the chill Mexican restaurant. I really thought I would be the one doing all the talking, which would have been a drag. I was quite surprised with the wonderful conversation he had to offer.

We even talked past closing! He asked the waitress if we had to leave, she winked at us and said we were fine. Ha! Like something off a movie. We finally decided to exit, I still didn't want the night to end. I thought to suggest continuing our conversation in one of our cars, but I didn't want to push it. Luckily, he soon offered the idea and I happily obliged. =]

We talked for about two more hours about all sorts of things: movies, funny moments, God...just life, etc. It ranged from everywhere and everything. I loved it. *swoon* Haha. It was cool.

Today, I decided to step out on a limb a bit. I'm going to Florida Sunday, so I texted:

"Hey, I want to see you before I go out of town this weekend. Can you make it happen?" I mean, he insisted that I hit him up whenever I wanted to see him. Haha. He replies, "Hummm... Maybe lol ya know I can." Yeah, I liked that. Haha.

*sings* Can I have it like that? You got it like that.

I Admit It:

• I shouldn't have cut my hair. I'm impatient and I miss it dearly. Fortunately, its growing back, slowly but surely.
• I probably should have called the new guy tonight expecting much more from that conversation. Why did I go and do that?
• I should have thought about entering Cali's life much more intensively. When the feeling quickly fled again, just as quickly as it came, I let his heart down again.
• I should have been cut all strings with Mr. N.
• I needed to see how The Baller really plays. It made me realize it wasn't my type of ball game.
• The words N.B. speaks of love may or may not be true, but clearly, my "I love you too" were empty.
• I apply unnecessary worry upon myself and I pay for it, every time.
• Prince may be right, I may be just like his mother "she's never satisfied."
• I don't feel quite as pretty as before. Not anymore.
• I'm paranoid.
• I should pray more often. God knows.

I think I may do a list like this every now and again. I think its good for the soul.

Promise?

"Promises are meant to be broken. So I wont do that to you."

Thats what he sent, after I asked for his assurance that he wouldn't make me feel like a bother. This is the guy from the BBQ. He insisted that hit him up if I wanted to see him. A role I don't normal take on.
For him to send this speaks volumes to me. I'm pretty big on promises. I was kind of testing him on it when I requested it. Time after time, I've seen guys make promises that they soon would break. I guess this should be expected since they say daughters usually date men like their dads.
Don't get me wrong. My Dad had lovely intentions, but intentions without action gets you know where. I love him despite "it all", which holds much more meaning than the 5 letters could ever let on.
Back to the previous "he": After assuring me his "word", being he was a man of his. I guess we'll see how much merit that holds. He actually end up texting me during my lunch break today. He actually wanted to see me and made it known. And I thought he would be a shy guy. We may end up meeting tonight, which would be nice. I need a pick-me-up, stat! Plus, he needs a nickname.
I bet he never would have thought that that one text would carry so much weight. Thats the thing, words can have so much more power and meaning to another individual. Gives weight to the saying "Lingering on your every word."

"If You're Troubled...

...you just got to let it go." - Troubles, Alicia Keys
I feel like I got so much going on. I'm trying, I really am, just to stay on top of it all. To not let all the responsibility and worry crush me. I despise feeling this way. I know it is not best to complain. God doesn't put more on us than we can bear. Plus, I know my troubles are far less than a lot of other people in the world. With opportunity come responsibility, I get that.
I'm just worried that I'm going to drop the ball and let myself, or worse, someone else down. I'm trying though...I'm trying.

My Grandma and Mom always told me, "Just do your best, thats all you can do."

SN: "Responsibility" is giving me such a hard time, it was the only word I repetitively misspelled in this post.

Confirmation

I don't know about you, but it feels nice to get a feeling of confirmation that what you are doing is right. Especially when you weren't really looking for it.
See, I had been a bit on the fence about breaking it all off with Mr. N. I was missing the moments. I even texted his "Bro" Saturday to privately check on how he was doing. Instead of answering my question, his "Bro" sent me a party invite with directions. Before, I would had dressed to kill the competition and get my guy back. Not this time.
Plus, I had made plans to spend the night with my LS's. I can't even express to you guys how much I really enjoyed spending time with them. It was a sleepover that was long over-due. Her parents and family are so welcoming. They are Indian and I love learning more about their culture. My other two LS's came as well. One brought her little boy, which we all adore.
The next day, Sunday, we headed to a BBQ. May I add, I had a mocha frappe in tow? It was really chill. Despite a few jerks and mosquito bites, I had a great time. Good food, people, and laughter. I even met someone new. [nickname may be coming soon]
Now, if I had went the other route, I'm almost certain I would feel really low right now. I'm not cut out for "the fast life" of liquor, parties, and "triple kisses ftw" that he is accustomed. Nah, dawg, you can haaave that. =]

Yes, I'm sure. I no longer need that blues song. Nah, no need to ask again.

Scene It!

This weekend, I hit up the good ol' Redbox for some movie rentals. I was pleased with my selection.
Youth in Revolt: This movie was...different. A good different. =] For some reason I saw similarities in the main character Nick Twisp and Mr. N. He was kind of the reason I got it, I remember him asking if I saw it. It is definitely a movie I wouldn't go see with my mom. Awkwaaard. N.B. thought that it started kind of slow, but I enjoyed it from the beginning. Get up a gang of friends, maybe wine cooler, popcorn and sodas and have a good old time. Its a special treat for all of us with our very own alter egos. =D
Remember Me: The idea to get this movie came from N.B. I liked this movie as well. I was worried cause Rob Pattinson was in it. You know how it can be when you are use to an actor playing on character and it seems like any movie outside of that realm doesn't seem right. Well, no problem here. It reminded me of Seven Pounds, one of those real bittersweet movies. Emphasis on the bitter. I don't usually cry on movies, but the end was gripping...I teared up, no drops, but you know. Haha.

I Recommend It!

Just wanted to share with you all a new-found guilty pleasure. N.B. went and bought me one before tonight's activities. I got the mocha frappe. It was soooo good. I plan to get me another soon and very soon. =]

The Smash & Dash [PG-13]

Ask my closest friends and they'll tell you. Usually, and I mean 97% of the time, in relationships, I can be such a guy. The roles seem to naturally switch. I'm not much for mushy moments most of the time. I can sit around playing video games all day. I usually find the guy to be more sensitive than I am. Just things here and there that I have picked up from past lovers and lusters. Methods that once hurt me, I now use in my defense.

One of the most stereotypical guy like habits I have obtain deals with sex. Tonight for instance: N.B. and I never had sex before and I liked it that way. When it comes to relationships, I think of guys as coloring pages that I'm coloring in with markers. Once I go outside the line with the guy, or make a big mistake with him, I feel like the page or relationship is ruined. So far gone, past the point of repair. Things tend to go all downhill from there.

Back to N.B. we never had sex, we were so comfortable with each other, and his apartment could be easily named one of my favorite places. Until tonight... Yes, I colored outside the lines.
The topic of sex came up. We always have been on separate ends of the issue. He thought sex wouldn't harm our relationship, he even suggest it would improve it. I, on the other hand, couldn't disagree more. My argument was that I feared his feelings would change afterwards. He even stated that us never having sex, was one of the things that separated me from other girls. However, he of course, disagreed.

I told him, if were to have sex "I'm leaving." He couldn't understand why I wouldn't stay afterwards. "You're like a dude!" is what he said. "You finally get it," I replied. He went on to plead with me to stay afterwards. I wasn't having it. I could tell he was conflicted: he wanted to have sex, but didn't want me to leave, for good. My rules was I wouldn't have sex with him unless we got married. Ha! I was tired of debating and hey, a bit interested, so after so much discussion, I nonchalantly said, "Lets go." [My tendency to be so nonchalant is another trait of mine, guys tend to not understand.]

We did it. Eh. Like I said, I quickly got dressed. As I was waiting for him to walk me to my car, I turned to give the apartment one good look-over. Silently, I said my final goodbye to my now former-favorite place.

Now as I think about it. Maybe my only fear wasn't the possibility that sex would change his feelings. Deep down, I think I probably knew it would change how I feel about him to. Sadly, the moment the act was engaged, we hit the point of no return. Now, I feel no longer interested and done. "Leave before you get left." Those words I tried to explain to him are just ringing in my head. Sigh, he was starting to become such a beautiful colored picture too...

On a positive note, at least I found out about his sexing before a marriage had commenced. Whew.

Oh! How My Mind Slips Me

So earlier today, at work, I had a BOMB topic to write about. It was going to be magical and then...I forgot. Gahhh! Sadness comes in the form...
Anywho, I wanted to share my current read with you all. The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks. He is a lovely writer! Like this one, most of his books have been made into motion pictures: The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, and the second latest, Dear John [which I totally hated! It was so unlike the book. It gave it no justice, but thats another post for another day.]
I'm a little over halfway done. I only allow myself to read it while a work so I don't speed through it in one all-nighter. Another rule: I must completely read the book before I see the movie. Otherwise, if I see the movie, I will never finish the book. Needless to say, I doubt I will ever attempt to read A Walk to Remember or The Notebook. Seen it! As for seeing this movie, I don't know. After seeing the monstrosity, Dear John, and the 1 3/4 star rating of the movie The Last Song, I may just pass.
I leave you with a quote from this book that I came across today. Something to tinker about. It really hit me the moment my eyes graced the words...

"...you have to love something before you can hate it."

Where Have The Bloggers Gone?

Okay. Not like I would ever or plan to get "baked." If that is something you enjoy doing, more power to you. It's your thing, do what you wanna do. * does jig*
The point is...I don't have the "blogger buddies" to share my giddy news to anymore. =[ Yes, some of you are still here, thankfully, or I would have probably stopped posting, again. So I appreciate you.
Where is everyone? Is there a new wave of bloggers who have replaced those of the past? Is my blogroll outdated? Who am I missing out on?

Basically...is anyone out there?

Commitment? Who Me?!

"I am not quick to commit."
I wasn't really then and definitely aren't now. My friend and I were having a discussion. She said, "You know, Amber, I know you say you don't want a commitment, but I don't think you are ready for a commitment." Thats when it sort of hit me. Before, I have even said that I didn't want to be in a relationship right now, but having someone else say it kind of cemented it.
She went on to say that its just I haven't found the "one" who deserves my commitment.
I seriously spent so much time last year looking and searching. I finally resigned to just embracing the single life. Listening to what my mom had been telling me since high school. "Just enjoy [guys'] company" and "just be friends." I made me a system where I would outsource for what I needed. I subconsciously pin-point a guy for each various quality or piece of affection I desired. Now the thought of being chained to one guy sounds a bit...crazy.
Don't get me wrong, if I were to actually find a guy who embodied all the qualities that all the other guys are giving, I would be head over heels. But...have you seen him? Pshh, if so, send him over. Until then, I guess I will find myself torn between two, three, or four...
No half-stepping either. If he ain't bringing the bread and butter [bread doesn't mean big bucks, thought it would be nice], I will dine somewhere else. It sounds bad, but I'm just being honest. *shrugs*
N.B. says I'm so Bella-ish. I don't see the similarity other than the fact of her kind of juggling two guys. I'm sure that's not what he means. Haha.
Note that I chose a photo of her with wolfboy. Team Jacob!

7/7 = Happy Day!

...and I was sooo right. Thank the Heavens. =]

Some background things, my favorite number is 7...my line number is 7. So the moment I realized the date, I claimed today as great.
Let's talk about today's greatness, shall we?

• First, I slept in as long as my hear desired. It was my day off. The monster of a headache I had last night was gone. No aleve. =]
• Second, I was getting so many positive vibes from others. After a much needed charge, I cut on my phone and noticed my inbox was full. Cleared the old messages away and what arrived? A warming "I Love You" from N.B. [Yeah, he is still around.]
• Third, I got to talk to my little bro today. He is my heart.
• Fourth, I got a few things cleared and set to go for the newsletter I'm an editor for.
• Fifth, I found out I was awarded first place for a scholarship I applied for! =D
• Sixth, I found out my Uncle was doing better. He was put in the hospital.
• Seventh, I ended the day tripping out and eating with my younger cousins. We joked and talked about yesteryears.

Like Ice Cube would say "Today was a good day." I believe it all stemmed from me claiming the positivity of the day. I remember being told in church once that when you pray, you should claim the things the want/need as yours. If you wish for better times, claim it as if you have it already. I thank the Heavens for all of the blessings today. Even if I may encounter some clouds tomorrow, I know I must claim the sunshine that is soon to come.

Updates!

There are a few loose ends I just want to cover. I would go crazy trying to fill you all in on everything. I love ya'll, but I don't have that much time nor patience. Haha.

Let's begin with the interview. Well that and much of my absence was connected to me becoming a member of Theta Nu Xi Multicultural Sorority, Inc. It was a struggle, but I did it. =] It's one of those things that you're glad you did, but would probably never do again. Haha.
I was asked if I felt any different...nope. I mean, I feel like I have a little more pride, confidence, and support. However, I don't think anyone should let greek letters change them for the worse. Thats a whole other post for another day.

Love Life? Ha! What is that again?
Jinkies, well. Mr. N and I have closed our chapter. We kind of ended on bad terms, all communication is cut. I dislike it, cause I'm use to befriending my ex's right away. However, I don't think us communicating would be wise for me either. I need this time from him, to get all the way over him. Reach the point where he doesn't have the power to make me angry, sad, or worthless so easily. No one should have that much power over me.

Summer? Well...unlike the summers before, I'm not failing at job searching. I just decided to continue to work at the job I have during the school year. No need worrying needlessly. I believe my friends and I have found an apartment. I'm an editor for a newsletter. I sway under the fear of letting people down, but I'm holding it all up somehow.

Happiness? Well, I just pop a few prayer-pills when I'm feeling low. I'm learning to rely my on my Faith instead of the arms of a man. They never seem strong enough to carry me.

New Layout! + Drake

I'm very excited to finally accomplish a new look for this blog. As you can see, I have brighten things up with the delicious Travie.

Hey, its summer. It was long overdue.

Thanks to this guy. I've been listening to his "So Far Gone" mixtape and his new album "Thank Me Later" while I've been working on this blog. He has definitely kept me company. I got a few favorites off his new album: "Cece's Interlude", "Shut It Down", "Unforgettable", "Fancy" [the second half, when he slows it down].

I was expecting this album to disappoint me from reviews I've received, but its all good.
You have any favorites off his new album? Do you even like it?

Summer.Renewal

So, I was wondering what I should do about this blog. I thought about starting off clean and just begin from today. Then I thought, what is the fun in that. I enjoy reading my past posts. Plus, it help new followers kind of get an idea of how future events are results of my past, despite the time lapses in-between.
Since it is summer, I decided I should at least do a re-vamp on the look of my blog. I will try to stay committed. Yeah, I know, I've said it before. Oh well...

To all my followers, if you're still reading...thanks. =]

24.365

Feeling full. Just got back from the Japanese restaurant with Jarvis. It was nice. He is soooo tall, 6’4-6’7 I think he said. Geez. He deserves a big　”アリガトー　ゴザイマス” = Thank you
Also, I’m noticing I’m not able to eat as much as I use to…hm, good sign.

23.365

This guy is awesome. He is so kind. At least twice I asked, “Why are you so nice to me?” He even surprised me by buying Uptown Girls for me, after I talked about how I losted my copy and couldn’t find another. =]
This was taken while we were at Applebee’s today…good times. =]

22.365

He came over today, I missed him.
Picture me stealing his sweethearts candy. =]

21.365

Yep, I cut it. I’ve been talking/thinking about doing it for a while.
As of yet, no regrets. =]

20.365

Walking from class and for some reason this caught my eye.
It’s an old electricity box in downtown Atlanta.

19.365

“Yes!”
Just got done with a interview…good things may be in store.

18.365

Left home to go back for school. Womp.

17.365

Sometimes, when I sit back and think about love and relationships, I feel numb. Numb to the wanting of it. I find it to be useful now-a-days, since I’m keeping my options open. My mom says this is a good thing, I concur. However, I do fear the possibility of being paralyzed from love forever.

16.365

The Little Princess

My little cousin was in her first pageant today. She won! I’m so proud of her. I just hope she knew how beautiful she is inside and out before she got the crown.

14-15.365

Pictures of school, work, and workouts. Just use your imagination.

13.365

Prelude to a Kiss
Just when I start to feel numb to the things of young love. He always finds a way to tug his string connected to my heart…even after I thought I snipped it.

12.365

No picture again. Just imagine me working out the first time in months. Yeah, I’m about to get swole. Hehe. =]

11.365

First day back to work and classes, and also the longest day of my week, went smoothly. Can’t really complain. Now, I’m sitting back with a bag of seeds. Good day.

10.365

A photo today would of been highly inappropriate.

9.365

Before I headed back to school, I went outside my Grandma’s house to go to car. I just stood there and looked at the backyard I grew up and played in. “It seemed so big back then,” I thought. Thats one of the things I like and dislike about life. As you get old, your view on everything changes. Some for the better and others, sigh…

8.365

People let me tell you about my best frienddd…

This is Colt. He has been there for me since 8th grade. I could always depend on him. We are kind of the opposite of each other, which is great! I love him. Anywho, this was taken at Applebee’s after we watch Avatar. Avatar was that greatness!
Ooo, I may be getting a pet turtle form Colt soon. Wouldn’t that be grand?

7.365

The only pic I took today was of myself. No biggie there. So today, I'm going to try to paint a picture in your mind.
Imagine that you are in a slight crowded area. You are minding your own business then someone catches your eye. You watch them long enough to see them go to the other side of the room. You notice they glance your way and you quickly look down. You look back up to see if they are still looking and to your pleasant surprise, they are. They smile and you smile back. However, you can't find the legs to walk or the words to talk to them. They stroll out of the door of opportunity. You blew it.

I'm a shy person, always have been. Once I warm up to a person, then things are cool. I just like to observe and feel people out until I'm comfortable, but what if I don't have the time. What if I only have a few minutes or second to make a move or lose the chance forever?
I always thought, if the person and I are meant to meet, well...it would happen. However, I'm starting to think, maybe I missed out on some great people, place, or things. I mean, sometimes God places things out for you and the only way to get it is if you go for it. I don't know how successful I will be at making a change to this, but I think soon I will be set in some tests.

I got to learn how to walk and talk again.

6.365

I’ve been in the house since Monday night. These have become my best friends. =\

5.365

Get On My Level
These two make me feel light. =] I hope to spend more time with these two this year. I've missed out on so much already.

Huddle.House

Meet my bestest friend Star. This is the Best Friends bracelet set she bought us for Christmas. We separated them and put them on tonight. This is one of the most precious gifts I've ever received. I don't want to take it off.
I really don't like how college seems to make the phone call between us scarce. Tonight I had sooo much to catch her up on. Still, we always trip out like we're still in high school, tighter than ever. True friends are a rare thing to come by, so I thank God for her.
After this picture, we picked my lil bro up. We couldn't decide who should get what half of the heart. Haha. We all ended up at Huddle House eating and laughing it up. I really enjoyed it. I wasn't raised with my lil bro and thats something I miss. I always enjoy time with him. Thats my heart.
Now, I'm awake with a runny nose. Ugh. I hope to get NyQuil tomorrow, a much need eyebrow arch, and possibly visit my male-BF tomorrow. Should be fun, that is, if I don't sleep the day away.

4.365

Hope. This was in my kitchen. My mom actually cooked dinner for Grandma and me. I have my camera on triple-snap and it caught this. Just earlier, Grandma was talking about how she miss my grandaddy. Its almost like she is smiling towards him.

Home.Sweet.Home

There's no place like home. So why do I feel like a visitor here? I just made it here for the first time during my Christmas break. Even before I left, I had a off feeling about coming here, but I figure it was just me dreading the drive. Now that I'm here, I feel out of place.
I haven't had an altercation with my mom or Grandma. Nothing bad has happened. I just feel out of place, like a doll that has been replaced on the wrong shelf. Am I at the right dollhouse?

3.365

Fellowship Sunday:
Just got back from going with my mom to her old church here in Atlanta. I haven’t been to church in so long. It was long overdue and I’m glad I did. Elder Franklin, the pastor, said my mom’s appearance made his day and the smile upon her face was priceless. I really intend to go back. Felt good.

In the picture we just got finished fellowshiping some leftover Applebee’s. Haha.

2.365

Attack of the Snuggie! Meet Ms. Daisy. She is an old friend of my mom. It’s my first time seeing her since I was a few months old. Already she has adopted me. She has a big heart. One thing she said is, “Most of your blessings come from strangers.”

I have a feeling my year will be centered around that theme. Foreshadowing much?

New.Year.New.View

After a night of drinking, dancing, and misunderstandings that almost destroyed the newly re-found friendship we had, Mr. N really came through for me.
Since middle school I've had a major fear of throwing up. I use to scare myself sick sometimes fearing what I had for dinner may have been "too old" "too greasy" etc. I would worry so much until my nerves were rattled, stomach clenched, teeth chattered, and I would be a mess. Crazy how mind is over matter.
I had an episode today, the first in years, but Mr. N helped me through it. Something I would have never thought he would have done. He saved me from my own thoughts. He will never know how much I appreciate that. Because a girl rarely finds a hero to save her in a battle with her mind.
It really taught me a lesson in not underestimating people [and overestimating.] Be careful what bridges you may burn, you may need to cross them again one day.

365.Project

I have heard of the Pic-a-Day or 365 project before. However, today I was reminded of it and I think I am going to attempt it. I was thinking about creating a tumblr for this, but I feel this blog is in need of attention. I may make additional posts other than my picture for the day every now and again. I hope you all will enjoy this. Wish me luck. Also, if you are doing your own 365 project, let me know so I can tune in.

Happy New Year!

1.365

First Pic of the New Year and for my 365-project. Mr. N and my huge arm. Haha. Is this forshadowing of more of him this year? Eh, who knows.
I must say, I enjoyed spending most of the new year with him. After you let the dust settle, you start to see things you haven't before. I feel like I have a better bond with him now than when we were in a relationship. I like where we are now, so I'm in no rush to change it.
As for my huge arm, today I started my spring break boot-camp. Hopefully that will change.