Do You Remember Your First Kiss?
I don't. Tis a sad thing, I guess.
On my birthday, my homie from my "rugrat" days sent me a facebook message telling me happy birthday. He is, in fact, "my homie then" and still is now. We grew up staying basically right behind each other, he was on the other side on "the block."
Anywho, he continued to say, "you also was the first girl i ever kissed LOL.......what good memories." Hm. Well, he told me this before, but by gosh, I just don't remember it! Haha. His story was confirmed by my older sister who, along with his older sister, caught us in the act. Needless to say, my sister then told on me and I supposedly got a "spanking" and my homie was prohibited to come over for a while. =| Was that
really necessary? Haha.
He said it went a little like this...
He was about to run back home and before he left he said, "I want to try something I seen on a movie." I said, "Okay." Then boom. Smooches!
Yeah so, blame it on the media. Haha.



My 20th birthday [May 22] was pretty nice, even though there was no cake. =] My Roomie-J sent me yellow roses =]. She's awesome. I slept-in for as long as I liked. Took my time getting dressed, even applied a little eye make-up. Haha. Then, I went out on a mission for my Nintendo DS Lite. Like I mentioned earlier in the blog, it was going to be a treat for me, myself, and I.
So, I tell you, I went to Wal-Mart and Target, but the real jackpot was GameStop! Oh yes, that shall be my new haven. =] Got the console
[I had to settle for Silver instead of Onyx =\] there and they got games for the low-low. What really struck my fancy? I found freakin' Guilty Gear for my DS! GUILTY GEAR! Yesss! I haven't decided what I shall name my DS yet, hm...any suggestions?
After my mission was complete, I chilled with family a bit and soon headed to Mr. N's. As part of my gift, he treated me to the movies. I wasn't too confident in his movie choice at first. I was thinking along the line of the Wolverine movie, but of course, he saw it already. We ended up seeing Night at the Museum 2. I was like...urmmm... He assured it would be a good movie. Eh, he was right. He called me lame because I got a little excited when I recognized the voices of the Jonas Brothers. He's such a haterrr.On my way back to my Unc-R's house, I made a stop to Mickey D's. Shoutout to Mr. Brown and the young sir at the window who hooked me up with "fresh out the oven" chocolate chip cookies. Heck yes! Us Redbones love you too, Mr. Brown. Haha.
All-in-all, it was a pleasant birthday.
I just wanted to actually celebrate it this year and I did. =]



Pardon me, but this is something I must release. The best word to describe what I feel is: defeated.
I'm tired of giving and holding on to people who do not show or give me the same care, respect and attention. I guess it is only fair for me to take half of the blame because when I look back I see all the red flags I ignored. The same red flags that foreshadowed what was to come.
Soon, I grow tired of it. Legs sore from the chase and heart disappointed when I look back and see no one is chasing after me. That is when I give up and when they say, "I've changed." When they finally realize what I gave them and start to miss it, its too late. By that point, I'm too tired to try to hold on any longer. I see no point.
At then end, they give that last hug or kiss and say, "It's been fun." or "It's been amazing." I smile and/or embrace back and reply, "Yeah, it has." or "I wish you the best." I'm not sure if that is the reaction they expect or not, doesn't matter. It comes a time when even the most gullible of people realize the truth.
In conclusion, that is explains the ending between the B.D. and The Baller. Fin.

Na-na-na-na, hey, hey, hey goodbye!


A Town Down.
Yeah, just had to represent. I've been in Atlanta since Monday, feels like I've been going non-stop. Once I made it, I chilled with Mr. N for the remainder of the day. It felt so weird, cause usually I'm not pressed to return to my dorm at a certain hour, but since I was staying with my Unc, it was a tad different.
Tuesday, Mr. N and I went apartment hunting. It wasn't the most successful outing, but I did find one potential place. Mr. N's dad was saying his apratment complex was nice and affordable, so I may check that out later this week.
Today, I went with my big cuz. She wanted me to ride with her to pay for the bartender classes in June. Isn't that cool? Jinkies, I bet that will be fun. Anywho, before we set out we stop at subway, and when she grab her cup she got two and decided to keep the extra. Theifin'! Haha, but karma got her a**. When she went to crank her car, it did not start...all because of the cup. Haha. It was cool 5 minutes later, it crank and we were on our way.
Later, after we prepared dinner. Mr. N met my uncles and whatnot for the first time. It went smoothly...no biggie really. I was really hoping him and my little cuz would of gotten a chance to duke it out on the court. I would like to see who would of won, but all them gyms were closed. So much for that. =\

So that basically sums up the week...



comes in the form of Facebook messages.
I got my babe backkk. =]



My mind is saying "Hahahahahahaha! You're such a dweeb!" So, yeah, I guess it would help if I would explain why I'm laughing at myself. Okay, so since I'm interested in a person who does not take initiative...grr, I have to usually step up to the plate first. I sooo do not like doing that. Ugh. Haha. The words were practically on the tip of my tongue. We were saying our goodbyes and I say, "Wait...um...are you...." *silence* "Um...nevermind."
"Are you sure?", says he.
"Uh, yeah.", I replied.
AHHHH! I blew it.
In my mind, I was saying: "Noooo, no what Im trying to say is are you at least a bit happy that I may be returning? Aren't you excited that we are going to look for apartments next week? Do you even miss me at all? Am I the only one?"

Sigh man, big fat SIGH. Things would be sooo much easier if he would just read the signs. Isn't it obvious?
I have the urge to call back, but as the seconds pass the possibility of me doing that decreases...
I'm such a dweeb.
Haha...hm. =\



Yeah so, one week til my Birthday! [Just thought I would put that out there. Hehe.]
Today has been pretty nifty. I actually got up around like 11AM, which means I only got a few hours of sleep. Thats part of the plan though. My Bestest-F came over soon and we got ready to head out. She was treating me to Applebee's for a Late Mother's Day gift. Yeah, she is awesome like that. Haha.
It was all good. Then we stopped in a TJ Maxx, it had just opened and I was ready to conquer. Well, maybe not "conquer", cause I don't have that type of cash right not. I didn't come out empty handed. I would post of the pictures, but that would require for me to get up, place out the clothes, take pictures, upload...that just a lot right now. I'm trying my best to stay up til 10:30 so I can start to sleep at a normal hour.
I shall post up later though. Also, I got some e.l.f. foundation a while back and I tried it out today. I bought two shades, cause I couldn't decide, plus they were just a $1 each. I rarely wear foundation, but I figured its something I should have in the make-up bag, just-in-case. Plus, it was cheapo!
Oh yeah, so after talking to my Homie-P, I'm 95% sure that I am going to stay at my current college. I'm quite satisfied with that decision. Mr. N agreed to go with me apartment hunting in a week or so. So yeah.

P.S. You know, like the N.E.R.D. song... I'm starting to think maybe, just maybe the laugh's on me and life was telling me a joke...its funny right?

Not really. =\



I don't like being so gloomy on here. I don't. From the way I'm feeling, I'm gonna be in this condition for a while. So, I'm going to cut down and just post other things. 
They say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
So, I may post random entries about this and that, but thats about it for a little while.
I think that would be best.


    Maybe I'm bi-polar? Just a thought. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm not hiding the shadows of my mind as much anymore. It being summer, I don't have much of an audience to smile and perform happiness for anymore. Sometimes, putting a smile on my face can be hard. It should be simple. It would take all of me to try to block these thoughts. I think it is impossible to not think about it. This is what I feared would come. Silence and being lost in thought.
    I don't mean to come across as ungrateful. I am well aware of the many blessings God as placed upon me. I feel guilty feeling down, when there is plenty of people out there in a worst condition than me. Especially, since I can't give a name to exactly what is wrong. It's been with me for a while though. I don't remember when it move in and made a home in my chest. I know its there. It's unmistakeable the times it grows heavy while I try to hold back my tears.
   For so long, I seem to place myself around people who I feel need me. Mainly in relationships concerning love. Helping with their problems keep me from placing light on mine. Making sure they are fine, keeps me from checking on my own condition. Listening to them, keeps my thought from echoing. Then, there are moments, when no one is in my waiting room. No one to tend to, no one to distract me, and I'm imprisoned in my mind. 
    I'm stronger than this, I know I am. I know. Most of the blame should be placed on me. I've become accustomed to the darkness. I will admit. I keep it inside. I don't want it to affect others. I don't want run anyone away. Plus, I wouldn't appreciate the sunshine without darkness, right?
It's just one of my dark seasons. Thats all. I'll make it. I just got to wait it out. Wait for the sun again. Just like before...


    This is becoming a concern. This is the second night in a row that I have not been able to go asleep. On my way back from hanging with Cali and his fam, I was so sleepy. I tell you, its something about me and the sound of the road. That jive really soothes me. Once I got home and settled, my sleepiness wore away. =\
    Anywho, I enjoyed myself today. I've missed hanging with Cali and his fam. His niece and nephew are so precious. They cling right to me, makes me feel missed. Haha. Blew bubbles and had ice cream today. Hadn't done that in a while...the blowing bubbles part. He says he will help me tone up this summer, on the weekends. We shall see how that goes.
    Well, I'm listening to Frank Sinatra's "Fly Me to the Moon." I would love to dance gracefully around a ballroom to this song. Hmm. Well, I guess I will lay down and hope to drift off to sleep. I doubt I will nod off until its time for my mom to go to work. Eh, that means I will just slip in her bed and have it allllll to myself. =]

P.S. He called. =] He just don't know, he could easily fly me to the moon...



Watching E! and they had this pic up, with the face blocked. 
Yeah, so I pride myself that I knew who bod this belonged to without seeing the face. 
[Jinkies, I haven't said that in a while.] 
Lenny, Lenny, Lenny...


Sooo, I'm watching Chelsea Lately and during the commercial break, guess what pops up! 
[Click to see Commercial]
Yeah, I was amazed. They actually have a product for this?!
I mean, I do have a little extra in the jawbone area, but I'll pass. =\


    So, I'm pulling a Donell Jones right about now. I have no freaking idea where I wanna be. I know I mentioned previously in my blog about me returning to my previous college. I was sooo sure. Mainly because I know it was cheaper. After discussing the money issue with my Unc-E, I got that department covered. Now, the decision is really up to me and I'm on the fence... I'm so indecisive.
    Although, I wasn't as involved in my second college, I was beginning to finally get my foot in the door and dig in. I was starting to enjoy it there, you know get settled in. However, my first college is so convient and I was more involved, but do I really want to go back? Grr-age! If I'm not stressing about one thing, its another. I've tried comparing and all, but I'm still at a standstill. I've tried talking it out with others, still no help.
    I talked to my mom and so we came to the decision that I will wait and see how it will affect my credits. If I will lose too many credits, I will just stay at my current college, if not then I will go back to the first. *sigh* But why am I not satisfied with that process? I really feel like it needs to be a decision of desire. I need to find out where I wanna be...

P.S. My mom laughed and said, "If you stay, Mr. N is going to think you made all that up about leaving just to break with him." I replied, "Hmph, serves him right. I'm so disappointed in him."
I know, I should just get over it. I will, on my own time.
That jive hurted me, mayne, on the insides...the insides! Haha.
[I know "hurted" isn't a word.]



    I'm sooo glad I am alive to spend another Mother's Day with my Mom and Grandma. Even if it is bittersweet. They are awesome. Right now, I am ever so thankful for the few loved ones who thought of me. I was a little hesitant to go to church today. I mean, it had been a while since I've been and I wanted to go. But on Mother's Day, it gets rough. I held back the tears, just as I am now. 
    I miss my kid. I miss the kicks to let me know he was here with me. I hate I wasn't granted the chance to hear him laugh, cry...just to see him open his eyes. I hate that I didn't appreciate those moments with him, until it was too late. It wasn't in God's plans. He is in a better place, but I can't help but to wonder...
Am I the reason you are not here?
For that, I don't think I could ever forgive myself.

Appreciate every moment. 
Every second of it.


...long pause, no response.
Me: Night.
Him: Night love.
Me: Don't call me that. Not tonight.
Him: Wow.
Me: Ugh. You wouldn't understand. Night.
Him: That's your assumption. Happy Mother's Day.
I was told if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. 
Therefore, it ended there.
Jive like that is the reason I just let my phone die.
No charging for Lupe tonight. 
Do away with the bulljive.



Just Got Paid, It's Friday Night...
    I meant to go out and shop on my own today. The time has flown by though. I think I'm bout to rush and put something on. Then maybe even treat myself to Applebee's! Yesss. N.B. just texted me, maybe he can come along. Then, I can get the 2 for $20 deal. Hmmm....
   As an early birthday [May 22] gift to myself, I was planning to buy this. Ima have to wait a week or two more, but I'm excited. =] I saw it on the commercial with Beyonce, but I wasn't sold til I played my little cousin's. So much fun and portable. Can you say fun on the go?
Speaking of that, here is my little cousin and I. I look cross-eyed or something for some reason in this and don't mind the off-key singing and my dance-face. Hehe. Who cares? We had fun! Enjoy.



   So, yesterday I went to Mr. N's birthday BBQ. Like his friend said, we kind of "paused" the movie at the sad part and went back to normal programming. It was really cool. Not awkward at all. I met his God-Mother. I was nervous, from what I gather, she was hard to impress. She said, "I finally get to meet Amber. I've heard a lot about you. I see its all true." *I put up the nervous look, thinking what all does she know?* "Don't worry it was all good." *She smiles and I give a breath of relief* Whew. 
   I surprised him by getting three of his close friends in on a water gun attack. Instead of 20 hits, he got bombarded. Haha. We got him good. Soon it became a girls vs. boys war, but us two girls came out on top. It was one point I had him cornered. We were alone and we kissed, I didn't want it to end. Jinkies man. Ugh! Then we walked out like it didn't happen. =\ Eh. Soon, they were getting ready to go to the club. My hair was a mess, attire not up to par, and I had spent up to my last on his birthday.
    After I left I was in the mood to get dressed up, go out and be bad. I needed to do something so I wouldn't have to think about Mr. N. I couldn't find any takers, but one. The H.S.S. [High School Sweetheart]. Our relationships were hell, but friendship-wise, we can count on each other. I'm so grateful for that. I dressed up in my black dress, new heels, and went riding with him. He knows just how to cheer me up, all it takes is one car ride. =] Something about the sound of the road or something. Hm.
    Came back to the dorm. I got in the groove, dancing and singing to the old jamz with the co-workers. It was soo fun. The night ended well. I didn't go be bad, but I had fun. Just what I needed. =]


As I promised, if I got to get in the preview for the new release Star Trek, I would let you all know how it was. As a girl who never was into Star Trek before, I would give this movie:
    Yes! It was really good! I mean, I have an appreciation for action movies. This also had a tweek of romance and drama too. Despite all that, I think it was very successful because it made me want to learn more about the whole Star Trek saga. I want to be a "Trekker" too! Haha. It has many familiar faces in the movie, including Zoe Saldana and Tyler Perry! Yes, I said Tyler Perry. Hehe. There is also an appearance from one of the OG's, original characters, of Star Trek. So, if you like action/drama/sci-fi give it a try. I actually plan to see it again, which is a rare thing indeed!
Live Long and Prosper



...bring May flowers! 
Well, enough of my showers of sadness! Everything else in life is freaking great, so don't mind me if I just dwell on the bright things for a moment. =] Hehe. I'm all giddy, listening to The Isley Brothers "Summer Breeze". [I love the electric guitar in this song. Yeah!] 
    So today I was awoken by my celly. I had put in to be a Summer Instructor for the ETS program at the school I plan to go back to in the fall. Amber loves the kids. =] So anywho, they were calling to arrange an interview. Wish me luck! My freshmen year, I was an ETS Mentor during the academic year and I had a blast! So, I hope it leads back to my old Mentor job as well. That would be totally awesome.
Want to know what else is totally awesome?
    My Homie-B just rang me up. We were planning to hang out today. Lo and behold, at his job, they were giving free passes to go see the Star Trek movie today. Yes, dos dias before the release date! I'm so hyped right now. Man, looking on the bright side is quite rewarding. =] Seats are not guaranteed though, so we are going to try and get there early. I hope we can get in. If so, I shall let ya'll know how it goes. Hey, if we can't I don't mind hitting this cool thrift shop with him again. Pick up some goodies. Like I said, I will let ya'll know how it turns out. 
Pray & Put on a Smile Today


    If I could, I would pull out the old school record and put the needle down to The Whispers "And The Beat Goes On." I mean, I have to admit... I was a little hurt that he didn't even want to try, but eh...it happens. In the end, I think it will be for the best. Its just, it made me feel like he felt I wasn't even worth the try. What is weird is, now, it seems like he is making me the bad person. Just cause I was willing to break it off now, instead of becoming more attached and waiting until I was about to get in the car for home. Why wait, when his decision was already made? I guess, he wanted to "pretend it wasn't happening" til after his birthday, Thursday. I didn't see the point, it was already out there...shoot "admit it, you did it." That's life though. You have to make some hard decisions. Hm, I will miss him though. I really will. 
"I might as well get over the blues. Just like fishing in the ocean, there'll always be someone new."
In Other News...
N.B. is coming into town Thursday. It has been a while since I mentioned him. Its just a lot happened before I even began this blog and its a tad tiring to try to totally fill you all in. To sum it up, he is a cool guy with nice style, like Mr. Bentley mixed with Common. Haha. We were talking once upon a time, but I just felt it was too good to be true. He was so popular and I didn't think I was his type, I didn't get why he was into me. I went looking for "the catch", made the mistake of asking around and listening to word of mouth and then we got a tad distant. Two weeks or so ago, I learned that his words were true [refer to vlog 1]. It was too late, or so I thought... I can't wait to see him. I love how he makes me feel like the most special person in the word. Even in my most bum-y of attire and just washed hair, he makes me feel so beautiful. Tehe. *blush* Don't worry I won't make him the rebound or anything, but I do plan to enjoy being in his company. 
As for the future, well we'll just have to see... 



Remember that question that was resonating in my head? 
Well, tonight I got the answer...
We broke up. 



    So maybe watching Gossip Girl on the web and working 8 hours in a row was not the best of ideas. I've had plenty to think and now I'm feeling a bit tipsy. Haha. I mean, don't you hate it when you watch something and it just inspires you to take a risk, make a sweet phone call in my case. I wasn't too happy with what had transpired in the last 24 hours. I was in the mood for a make-up scene, PG of course. It just sucks when it doesn't work like you planned. Eh, I still get to spend time with him, just not as soon as I hoped.=\ Jinkies, Gossip Girl and its sweet yet twisted, but romantic antics. Get ya every time...
...two more hours to go and I'll shall be able to get a decent amount of rest. Until then, I shall be pondering. Who knows I may break my record and post three times in one day!


<- [One drawing of many, I hope.]
    As you all know, school is out for me. Doesn't mean I can relax just yet. My housing department extended my move-out date as long as I worked this week. So I took the opportunity. Finding a job back at home, during the summer, is not promised at all. I don't want to be broke at home, plus, I need to start saving for school too. So I took the opportunity to get the max 40 hours this week.
Woo-hoo. =|
    Sunday, I worked 12 hours. Thats 2 hours shy of what I usually work in one week! I'm proud of myself...I've been hanging in there. Cat naps in-between shifts have been keeping me charged. I think I will be able to make it. [I think I can, I think I can...] Especially since we're allowed to bring our laptops now. =] Its been good though. I have actually been drawing. I had lost the desire to draw on my own will. School assignments will do that to you. Plus, I didn't have much motivation or inspiration. Now, I do. I put into each drawing a piece of me I need to get out...
    Thats another thing, I think I need to really get some things figured out about myself. Get to know the girl in the mirror again. Set some goals and actually stick to them until their accomplished. I want to get at a point in my life where I feel happy about the things I'm doing and decisions I make. I wish I could go into detail, but it just something about people you actually know reading your blog. It hinders freedom of speech, it shouldn't, but it does...

Well, back to my 12am-8am shift. =\



I know, I haven't updated in a while. I have been going through a lot in the last few days. Trying to study for finals, figure out moving out details, deciding where I'm going to go to college, and, of course, finances. A WHOLE LOT! I tell you, I was stressing to the point of tears Wednesday night. It seemed like everything was falling on me, too much weight. I will have to admit it was my fault. I should have taken care of things better, I guess.
So basically, like my Mom said, I was "at a crossroads." She asked, "Without thinking about money, where do you wanna be?" She said I could take my time and think about it, but I already knew my answer. So, I will be transferring back to my previous school. I was wayyy more involved there, the people were friendlier, and the surroundings is better. Plus, its cheaper! I know, I shouldn't let money decide where I go. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I've been told that, but...what does that really mean? Especially when I have to basically pay for it myself. Of course, money will be a deciding factor. The money my mom saved was soaked up this semester, times are hard, and she has done so much for me [and my sister.]
I've prayed about this and I believe it is a good decision. I came here to be sure I wasn't missing out on anything. I came, I saw...I wasn't missing a thing. Time for me to go back, well, get back to the other track. Even though a lot of questions have been answered there is one that is really resonating...
"What about Mr. N and I?"