Again & Another Again

My life soundtrack includes John Legend's Again and Another Again right now. =| Yesterday, I found myself back in the arms of my past. Yeah, you may have guessed it: Mr. N. Gahh! Why is it so hard to leave him alone? We fight and separate over the smallest of things. Elementary things!

Then sooner or later, we return.

Why do I miss him? I tell you, I looked at those pretty brown eyes yesterday and...sighhh.
Did I mention I confessed my love to him in a drunken state while I was in Orlando? I didn't? Oh, yeah, well...I did. I blame it on the alcohol. I remember it all, but when the drinks are poured, I feel free to say or do whats on my mind. It could have been worse. At least he said he loved me back. *shrugs*

So, yeah...like John said, "We're doing it again."

Can you sense my excitement?

Quotation:

"Scared for this to last forever & here I thought I was being clever. They say never say never, but I'll never believe there can't be better."

New! "Quotation"

I think I am going to begin posting FB Stats or Tweets that really mean something to me. These will be original quotes by me. I need a place where I can easily come back to and reflect on them.

Like Life Updates 7.28

Love, such a fickle thing.

Okay, love is not fickle...I am. Plus, I'm not on love at the moment, hence "Like Life." So the past few days I have been living it up. After kissing my Bestest-M once more, a goodbye kiss, if you will, I returned back to the city. Like I said before, our relationship, I feel, hasn't really changed. Yay!
So who have I been swooning over lately? The New Guy, you guess? Nooope. Also, from this moment on, we shall call him, Leo.

[New guy -> Leo]

Why the name change? Well, it was overdue annnd there is a new like interest: Cb. It stands for a delightful lil nickname that I already call him. I've known Cb. before actually. I met him sometime this past year at school. Never really gave him much thought. I thought he may be interested in me before, but he is really close to a good friend of mine, plus other small underlying things I had heard. Then said good friend of mine kind of suggested the idea. I tinkered on it.
We've been textin like rabbits since. Textin' not sextin'. I love talking with him. I feel like I am digging under the surface of my first impression of him and I've found something wonderful: a weirdo. Someone who is as weird, if not a bit more, as me. Happiness comes in the form...
We sometimes lightly brush on the idea of our attraction for each other, which is good. I don't like to be too obvious and if I feel like there is nothing new to discover or gain, I tend to get bored. So I think it is best he keeps me, and I him, on my toes.

Honestly, you guys, I'm loving how easy it is to talk to him. I can be as silly or random as I want and he goes right with it. He doesn't make me feel completely odd or overly silly, like others. However, I know about infatuation stages, how they come and go, so I keep telling myself not to get too comfortable, to just enjoy these moments for what they are...moments. No one knows how long they'll last, but I'm hoping...

Inception Review:

Goooo see it!

Okay, okay. I won't hype it up too much, cause then you will be like, "I don't see the big deal..." due to all of the positive reviews I'm sure you've been hearing. So quietly, I politely insist you go see it. Most importantly, well not most, but its high priority, see him...

Salt

Last night me and the Bestest-M went to see Salt. I think it was a pretty good movie. Especially if it kept me awake. I had just got back from Florida yesterday and we went to the 12:05 show. The plot was interesting...not too predictable. Not good enough for me to sit and watch again. All in all, I would recommend it, but if you want to save, its a movie you can wait to see on DVD release.
As for tonight, we are going to see Inception. =] I'm excite!

While I Was Away

Whoa skipped a few days there. Thought I was giving up the blogging fight again?
Haha. No, I was in Florida at a family reunion for about a week. Reunited and it feels so goood.
What have I been doing? Well...

• I got to see my cousin [one of my fav. cousins, shhh] who I had not seen in 7-8 years! Way too long, right? It was so nice to see him. =]
• I went to the pool at least every other day for hours.
• Got a nice tan, thanks to my pool activities and my cousin's bronzer.
• I've been jet skiing. Fell off 4-5 times, which I still say was my cousin's fault. Haha.
• Washed my hair everyday, which I've learned to make a 30 min process instead of 1-2 hour(s). Now I'm moisturizing.
  
• Been away from the computer and fully entertained. Crazy right?
• Danced with and almost kissed a girl and I liked it.
• Drank my first 4loko. Caution!
• Felt relaxed. It's been a while.
  

I need to do these things more often. Well, some of these things...

Good or Bad Friend Moment

So, if you kiss your best guy friend...is it a good or bad friend moment?
I don't know, but thats what happened. It was nice too. Not some thing I plan to do often. What I love most is that there was no awkward moment. Everything is still the same. As if it never happened. =]
Since we've made an agreement to marry each other at 27, if we aren't taken already, I think its good to know we won't have any awkward intimacy issues.

Random: Heartbeat

If I could choose the rhythm of my heartbeat, it would be the drum sequence from Justin Timberlake's "Lovestoned". You know, the second half of the song where it is slowed down a bit. I love turning it up in my car and just breathing that part of the song in. Deep. I turn it up loud enough so the bass travels through my seat and echos inside me.

If you could choose, what would be your beat?

One Step Ahead

Today, my bestest friend came to my town for her birthday. So when I met up with them after they ate, I was looking for a place for us to go. I called the New Guy,
Please note, I just had a great time with him the night before. I loved how he took me to places I had never been before. Last night he took me to this diner/bar/karaoke place. Comfort level was awesome for it to be so soon. I reckon thats where I went wrong: Don't ever get too comfortable.
Back to tonight, I called the New Guy asked him for suggestion as to where to go. He said he didn't go out much. Understandable. I then said, "Yeah, I would have invited you to come out, but I was sure you were tired." *shrugs* We had a late night. He replies, "Yeah, I'm tired." Understandable.
After getting off the phone, I decided to take the group of us to the place he took me to last night. We had a blast! Danced and laughing. Just cutting rugs. Getting late, we walk out...take a few steps. Lo and behold, guess who car I see! -_-
Granted, we are not committed, so he can go as he pleases. But dude, telling me you're tired and you cutting it early, only to later be seen out. Sorry, it don't give me a good vibe. It may have been completely harmless, a last minute plan. But my eyebrow and suspicion has been raised.
Glad things panned out as they did, cause I needed that smack in the face. Its just a game out there; I almost forgot:

Always stay one step head.

The New Guy

I meant to write up about the "New Guy" and our date Tuesday night. [I will refer to him as NG until I come up with a more fitting nickname.] It was nice! I really enjoyed myself! We met at the chill Mexican restaurant. I really thought I would be the one doing all the talking, which would have been a drag. I was quite surprised with the wonderful conversation he had to offer.

We even talked past closing! He asked the waitress if we had to leave, she winked at us and said we were fine. Ha! Like something off a movie. We finally decided to exit, I still didn't want the night to end. I thought to suggest continuing our conversation in one of our cars, but I didn't want to push it. Luckily, he soon offered the idea and I happily obliged. =]

We talked for about two more hours about all sorts of things: movies, funny moments, God...just life, etc. It ranged from everywhere and everything. I loved it. *swoon* Haha. It was cool.

Today, I decided to step out on a limb a bit. I'm going to Florida Sunday, so I texted:

"Hey, I want to see you before I go out of town this weekend. Can you make it happen?" I mean, he insisted that I hit him up whenever I wanted to see him. Haha. He replies, "Hummm... Maybe lol ya know I can." Yeah, I liked that. Haha.

*sings* Can I have it like that? You got it like that.

I Admit It:

• I shouldn't have cut my hair. I'm impatient and I miss it dearly. Fortunately, its growing back, slowly but surely.
• I probably should have called the new guy tonight expecting much more from that conversation. Why did I go and do that?
• I should have thought about entering Cali's life much more intensively. When the feeling quickly fled again, just as quickly as it came, I let his heart down again.
• I should have been cut all strings with Mr. N.
• I needed to see how The Baller really plays. It made me realize it wasn't my type of ball game.
• The words N.B. speaks of love may or may not be true, but clearly, my "I love you too" were empty.
• I apply unnecessary worry upon myself and I pay for it, every time.
• Prince may be right, I may be just like his mother "she's never satisfied."
• I don't feel quite as pretty as before. Not anymore.
• I'm paranoid.
• I should pray more often. God knows.

I think I may do a list like this every now and again. I think its good for the soul.

Promise?

"Promises are meant to be broken. So I wont do that to you."

Thats what he sent, after I asked for his assurance that he wouldn't make me feel like a bother. This is the guy from the BBQ. He insisted that hit him up if I wanted to see him. A role I don't normal take on.
For him to send this speaks volumes to me. I'm pretty big on promises. I was kind of testing him on it when I requested it. Time after time, I've seen guys make promises that they soon would break. I guess this should be expected since they say daughters usually date men like their dads.
Don't get me wrong. My Dad had lovely intentions, but intentions without action gets you know where. I love him despite "it all", which holds much more meaning than the 5 letters could ever let on.
Back to the previous "he": After assuring me his "word", being he was a man of his. I guess we'll see how much merit that holds. He actually end up texting me during my lunch break today. He actually wanted to see me and made it known. And I thought he would be a shy guy. We may end up meeting tonight, which would be nice. I need a pick-me-up, stat! Plus, he needs a nickname.
I bet he never would have thought that that one text would carry so much weight. Thats the thing, words can have so much more power and meaning to another individual. Gives weight to the saying "Lingering on your every word."

"If You're Troubled...

...you just got to let it go." - Troubles, Alicia Keys
I feel like I got so much going on. I'm trying, I really am, just to stay on top of it all. To not let all the responsibility and worry crush me. I despise feeling this way. I know it is not best to complain. God doesn't put more on us than we can bear. Plus, I know my troubles are far less than a lot of other people in the world. With opportunity come responsibility, I get that.
I'm just worried that I'm going to drop the ball and let myself, or worse, someone else down. I'm trying though...I'm trying.

My Grandma and Mom always told me, "Just do your best, thats all you can do."

SN: "Responsibility" is giving me such a hard time, it was the only word I repetitively misspelled in this post.

Confirmation

I don't know about you, but it feels nice to get a feeling of confirmation that what you are doing is right. Especially when you weren't really looking for it.
See, I had been a bit on the fence about breaking it all off with Mr. N. I was missing the moments. I even texted his "Bro" Saturday to privately check on how he was doing. Instead of answering my question, his "Bro" sent me a party invite with directions. Before, I would had dressed to kill the competition and get my guy back. Not this time.
Plus, I had made plans to spend the night with my LS's. I can't even express to you guys how much I really enjoyed spending time with them. It was a sleepover that was long over-due. Her parents and family are so welcoming. They are Indian and I love learning more about their culture. My other two LS's came as well. One brought her little boy, which we all adore.
The next day, Sunday, we headed to a BBQ. May I add, I had a mocha frappe in tow? It was really chill. Despite a few jerks and mosquito bites, I had a great time. Good food, people, and laughter. I even met someone new. [nickname may be coming soon]
Now, if I had went the other route, I'm almost certain I would feel really low right now. I'm not cut out for "the fast life" of liquor, parties, and "triple kisses ftw" that he is accustomed. Nah, dawg, you can haaave that. =]

Yes, I'm sure. I no longer need that blues song. Nah, no need to ask again.

Scene It!

This weekend, I hit up the good ol' Redbox for some movie rentals. I was pleased with my selection.
Youth in Revolt: This movie was...different. A good different. =] For some reason I saw similarities in the main character Nick Twisp and Mr. N. He was kind of the reason I got it, I remember him asking if I saw it. It is definitely a movie I wouldn't go see with my mom. Awkwaaard. N.B. thought that it started kind of slow, but I enjoyed it from the beginning. Get up a gang of friends, maybe wine cooler, popcorn and sodas and have a good old time. Its a special treat for all of us with our very own alter egos. =D
Remember Me: The idea to get this movie came from N.B. I liked this movie as well. I was worried cause Rob Pattinson was in it. You know how it can be when you are use to an actor playing on character and it seems like any movie outside of that realm doesn't seem right. Well, no problem here. It reminded me of Seven Pounds, one of those real bittersweet movies. Emphasis on the bitter. I don't usually cry on movies, but the end was gripping...I teared up, no drops, but you know. Haha.

I Recommend It!

Just wanted to share with you all a new-found guilty pleasure. N.B. went and bought me one before tonight's activities. I got the mocha frappe. It was soooo good. I plan to get me another soon and very soon. =]

The Smash & Dash [PG-13]

Ask my closest friends and they'll tell you. Usually, and I mean 97% of the time, in relationships, I can be such a guy. The roles seem to naturally switch. I'm not much for mushy moments most of the time. I can sit around playing video games all day. I usually find the guy to be more sensitive than I am. Just things here and there that I have picked up from past lovers and lusters. Methods that once hurt me, I now use in my defense.

One of the most stereotypical guy like habits I have obtain deals with sex. Tonight for instance: N.B. and I never had sex before and I liked it that way. When it comes to relationships, I think of guys as coloring pages that I'm coloring in with markers. Once I go outside the line with the guy, or make a big mistake with him, I feel like the page or relationship is ruined. So far gone, past the point of repair. Things tend to go all downhill from there.

Back to N.B. we never had sex, we were so comfortable with each other, and his apartment could be easily named one of my favorite places. Until tonight... Yes, I colored outside the lines.
The topic of sex came up. We always have been on separate ends of the issue. He thought sex wouldn't harm our relationship, he even suggest it would improve it. I, on the other hand, couldn't disagree more. My argument was that I feared his feelings would change afterwards. He even stated that us never having sex, was one of the things that separated me from other girls. However, he of course, disagreed.

I told him, if were to have sex "I'm leaving." He couldn't understand why I wouldn't stay afterwards. "You're like a dude!" is what he said. "You finally get it," I replied. He went on to plead with me to stay afterwards. I wasn't having it. I could tell he was conflicted: he wanted to have sex, but didn't want me to leave, for good. My rules was I wouldn't have sex with him unless we got married. Ha! I was tired of debating and hey, a bit interested, so after so much discussion, I nonchalantly said, "Lets go." [My tendency to be so nonchalant is another trait of mine, guys tend to not understand.]

We did it. Eh. Like I said, I quickly got dressed. As I was waiting for him to walk me to my car, I turned to give the apartment one good look-over. Silently, I said my final goodbye to my now former-favorite place.

Now as I think about it. Maybe my only fear wasn't the possibility that sex would change his feelings. Deep down, I think I probably knew it would change how I feel about him to. Sadly, the moment the act was engaged, we hit the point of no return. Now, I feel no longer interested and done. "Leave before you get left." Those words I tried to explain to him are just ringing in my head. Sigh, he was starting to become such a beautiful colored picture too...

On a positive note, at least I found out about his sexing before a marriage had commenced. Whew.

Oh! How My Mind Slips Me

So earlier today, at work, I had a BOMB topic to write about. It was going to be magical and then...I forgot. Gahhh! Sadness comes in the form...
Anywho, I wanted to share my current read with you all. The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks. He is a lovely writer! Like this one, most of his books have been made into motion pictures: The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, and the second latest, Dear John [which I totally hated! It was so unlike the book. It gave it no justice, but thats another post for another day.]
I'm a little over halfway done. I only allow myself to read it while a work so I don't speed through it in one all-nighter. Another rule: I must completely read the book before I see the movie. Otherwise, if I see the movie, I will never finish the book. Needless to say, I doubt I will ever attempt to read A Walk to Remember or The Notebook. Seen it! As for seeing this movie, I don't know. After seeing the monstrosity, Dear John, and the 1 3/4 star rating of the movie The Last Song, I may just pass.
I leave you with a quote from this book that I came across today. Something to tinker about. It really hit me the moment my eyes graced the words...

"...you have to love something before you can hate it."

Where Have The Bloggers Gone?

Okay. Not like I would ever or plan to get "baked." If that is something you enjoy doing, more power to you. It's your thing, do what you wanna do. * does jig*
The point is...I don't have the "blogger buddies" to share my giddy news to anymore. =[ Yes, some of you are still here, thankfully, or I would have probably stopped posting, again. So I appreciate you.
Where is everyone? Is there a new wave of bloggers who have replaced those of the past? Is my blogroll outdated? Who am I missing out on?

Basically...is anyone out there?

Commitment? Who Me?!

"I am not quick to commit."
I wasn't really then and definitely aren't now. My friend and I were having a discussion. She said, "You know, Amber, I know you say you don't want a commitment, but I don't think you are ready for a commitment." Thats when it sort of hit me. Before, I have even said that I didn't want to be in a relationship right now, but having someone else say it kind of cemented it.
She went on to say that its just I haven't found the "one" who deserves my commitment.
I seriously spent so much time last year looking and searching. I finally resigned to just embracing the single life. Listening to what my mom had been telling me since high school. "Just enjoy [guys'] company" and "just be friends." I made me a system where I would outsource for what I needed. I subconsciously pin-point a guy for each various quality or piece of affection I desired. Now the thought of being chained to one guy sounds a bit...crazy.
Don't get me wrong, if I were to actually find a guy who embodied all the qualities that all the other guys are giving, I would be head over heels. But...have you seen him? Pshh, if so, send him over. Until then, I guess I will find myself torn between two, three, or four...
No half-stepping either. If he ain't bringing the bread and butter [bread doesn't mean big bucks, thought it would be nice], I will dine somewhere else. It sounds bad, but I'm just being honest. *shrugs*
N.B. says I'm so Bella-ish. I don't see the similarity other than the fact of her kind of juggling two guys. I'm sure that's not what he means. Haha.
Note that I chose a photo of her with wolfboy. Team Jacob!

7/7 = Happy Day!

...and I was sooo right. Thank the Heavens. =]

Some background things, my favorite number is 7...my line number is 7. So the moment I realized the date, I claimed today as great.
Let's talk about today's greatness, shall we?

• First, I slept in as long as my hear desired. It was my day off. The monster of a headache I had last night was gone. No aleve. =]
• Second, I was getting so many positive vibes from others. After a much needed charge, I cut on my phone and noticed my inbox was full. Cleared the old messages away and what arrived? A warming "I Love You" from N.B. [Yeah, he is still around.]
• Third, I got to talk to my little bro today. He is my heart.
• Fourth, I got a few things cleared and set to go for the newsletter I'm an editor for.
• Fifth, I found out I was awarded first place for a scholarship I applied for! =D
• Sixth, I found out my Uncle was doing better. He was put in the hospital.
• Seventh, I ended the day tripping out and eating with my younger cousins. We joked and talked about yesteryears.

Like Ice Cube would say "Today was a good day." I believe it all stemmed from me claiming the positivity of the day. I remember being told in church once that when you pray, you should claim the things the want/need as yours. If you wish for better times, claim it as if you have it already. I thank the Heavens for all of the blessings today. Even if I may encounter some clouds tomorrow, I know I must claim the sunshine that is soon to come.

Updates!

There are a few loose ends I just want to cover. I would go crazy trying to fill you all in on everything. I love ya'll, but I don't have that much time nor patience. Haha.

Let's begin with the interview. Well that and much of my absence was connected to me becoming a member of Theta Nu Xi Multicultural Sorority, Inc. It was a struggle, but I did it. =] It's one of those things that you're glad you did, but would probably never do again. Haha.
I was asked if I felt any different...nope. I mean, I feel like I have a little more pride, confidence, and support. However, I don't think anyone should let greek letters change them for the worse. Thats a whole other post for another day.

Love Life? Ha! What is that again?
Jinkies, well. Mr. N and I have closed our chapter. We kind of ended on bad terms, all communication is cut. I dislike it, cause I'm use to befriending my ex's right away. However, I don't think us communicating would be wise for me either. I need this time from him, to get all the way over him. Reach the point where he doesn't have the power to make me angry, sad, or worthless so easily. No one should have that much power over me.

Summer? Well...unlike the summers before, I'm not failing at job searching. I just decided to continue to work at the job I have during the school year. No need worrying needlessly. I believe my friends and I have found an apartment. I'm an editor for a newsletter. I sway under the fear of letting people down, but I'm holding it all up somehow.

Happiness? Well, I just pop a few prayer-pills when I'm feeling low. I'm learning to rely my on my Faith instead of the arms of a man. They never seem strong enough to carry me.

New Layout! + Drake

I'm very excited to finally accomplish a new look for this blog. As you can see, I have brighten things up with the delicious Travie.

Hey, its summer. It was long overdue.

Thanks to this guy. I've been listening to his "So Far Gone" mixtape and his new album "Thank Me Later" while I've been working on this blog. He has definitely kept me company. I got a few favorites off his new album: "Cece's Interlude", "Shut It Down", "Unforgettable", "Fancy" [the second half, when he slows it down].

I was expecting this album to disappoint me from reviews I've received, but its all good.
You have any favorites off his new album? Do you even like it?

Summer.Renewal

So, I was wondering what I should do about this blog. I thought about starting off clean and just begin from today. Then I thought, what is the fun in that. I enjoy reading my past posts. Plus, it help new followers kind of get an idea of how future events are results of my past, despite the time lapses in-between.
Since it is summer, I decided I should at least do a re-vamp on the look of my blog. I will try to stay committed. Yeah, I know, I've said it before. Oh well...

To all my followers, if you're still reading...thanks. =]