I Just Want To Go...
...pack up a bag and hit the highway for home. *sigh* I have too many obligations to go off and do that. School, work, family... Its just that, this weekend...well past few weeks have been emotionally unbalanced. I'm a moody person, but I've been swinging more than usual lately and its starting to scare me a little. I don't want to hit my lowest of the low. Especially now that I found someone special, Mr. N. But its almost like I feel its coming. Some nights, its almost like I can feel the darkness fill me. I don't want my darkness to affect him...or anyone, for that matter.
    I got to find a way to deal. To do it on my own. My moms says I need to ask for help, talk to someone...but I don't like that. It makes me feel weak... I'm use to holding it all inside. I've been doing it for so long, I don't really want to change that. Its what I'm comfortable with. There's just so much. My mind is so occupied. I've been forgetting things, slacking here and there. I've lost my focus.

Thinking Back...
    When I was younger, when I was riding home with my mom and sis in the backseat, there would be this street light we would take a left at to go home. Some evenings, when the sunset was just right and the pink, purple, and blue in the sky was announcing the night...I wished my mom would just make a right. Just spur of the moment, make a right and we would go away...anywhere.
     Thats what I want to do. Just one day, after class or whatnot, I would look at the sky and think, "This is the day, this is the moment." And just drive...find my way "home."


The Black Barbie said...

Hey girl I know how you feel with being low. I hit rock bottom last semester towards the end and it got really bad. I wouldn't go to class didn't leave bed much, it was rough. I had a special one too and thankfully he really helped me thru it. I like to say he healed me, I did seek professional help and it helped so much and now I know what to do when I start feeling myself getting down again. Just like you I am a very strong person with lots of pride but being able to admit your "weak" takes so much strength in itself. You'll come out of this so much stronger than you could ever imagine! Hope this helped, I wish I had someone to tell me this stuff I thought I was alone in this battle.


Rai said...

I can relate to how you feel.
But holding it in WON'T do you any good, it only makes it worse.
Find somebody to to talk to, maybe even Nick... Let him know what's going on with you.

You can always text me or something if you need someone to talk to. Just be hopeful, Twinnie!

.rawkii said...

The Black Barbie:
Thanks. I know, I just want to ditch it all and be care-free. I'm going to try and see if I can get time off from work and get some "me" time. Yesss, I feel like no one understands. Thats partially why I don't like to talk about it. Plus, I'm just use to putting a mask on and pretend like I'm okay. I may need to look into professional help, but uh... *sigh* Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.

.rawkii said...

Yeah, I know its not good to hold it in, but its become second-nature now. I would like to talk to Nick, I kind of have introduced the situation to him. But right now we are kind of going through a small spat, which is not helping the situation at all. Thanks for being there. I will try to keep hope alive. =]