Diss.Appointment

Welcome to rock bottom, population: 1.

I know how to spelling it correctly [d-i-s-a-p-p-o-i-n-t-m-e-n-t]...its for effect. 

Anyways...I'm not in so great of a mood. I'm more mad at myself than anyone else. I hate this...feeling like this. I knew he wasn't gonna show, I knew it. I didn't even mean to get my hopes up...that jive came out of no where! I know better than to believe such a thing. My heart is freaking screwed man. If you haven't guessed, I'm talking about B.D. [code-name]. 

I hate how I unwillingly love this guy. He doesn't deserve it. I can be so so so cold-hearted towards them all, but when it comes to him... Its ridiculous, I mean he doesn't deserve this much emotion from me. If anyone, Cali does, but my heart is too damaged to do it. I could sit here and write "I'm so through with him...blah, blah, blah." I'm sick of doing that. Time after time I say it, but something always happens.  It's like a Keyshia Cole song skipping and on repeat. No one wants to hear that jive, even me!

I hate the mood it puts me in. I get short with people who don't have anything to do with it. I feel like a super value-pack of mess, that no one wants to buy. I begin to remember all the things that went wrong. It feels like with each breath, I should exhale an ice-cold sigh. I lay down and wait for my heart to slowly stop beating so it would match my cold, heartless mind-set. It just makes me want to give up the hope of love all together. Each time the next dude has a higher wall to climb. Each time I have a longer  distance to fall. Then boom! I hit the bottom. 

There are some many less fortunate people in the world, so I know I shouldn't waste my time being angry about it. It just hurts so much. I wish for once, I could just touch him and make him feel allll the pain. Let him see through my eyes and heart how it was when he wasn't there, when his words cut me deep, and most importantly, when I lost it all...our son.