...its this thing I call randomization.
Basically, I take a piece of paper and write random words all over the page until its full. You can't read it from left to right or anything. Its just random words I think, hear, or say. My roommates always like to see what they can find when I bring a sheet back from work. I do it all the time at work, it helps the time pass. Last night, they found I wrote "welcome back to all the hurt." I seriously can't remember writing it or even thinking it. That made it so much more neat. Its cool to see what is written unconsciously on my mind.
I believe it may have stemmed from the other night with The Baller. The whole time I was there, I kept thinking to myself, "Just soak this all in; enjoy the moment." I didn't know when I would get to experience this again. I was indulging. Breathing in the smell of him, that I sometimes come across randomly during the day. Feeling him lay next to me. The way he jerks a little when he sleeps. When he scoots closer to me so he can rest his head on me. I wanted to just cherish the moment. For all I knew, that may be the last moment we shared together. Nothing is concrete between us. I could feel my defenses coming down. Feelings were springing back to life. We didn't even kiss, but I was smitten all the same. It was beautiful, I didn't want it to end. Thats just it though...most likely its going to end. I've took the journey before. I would soon venture down the same road of disappointment and arrive to the sign, "Welcome Back to All The Hurt." For some reason, I'm willing to pay the toll of heartache to feel him next to me. Its such a beautiful thing. Crazy, right?