Mucky

Thats what feel right now. I just got off the phone with Babe. Subject of the conversation: What ifs. (Yeah, these are usually never good.)

In a post-argument discussion, I had expressed to him that I felt like if we were able to break up, that it would be out of his curiosity for someone knew (or boredom of me). Basically, this was vice-versa to his thinking. I was hesitant in telling him that because I don't like speaking things into existence. Sigh. So tonight he told me that he had thought about what I said and that although it is possible, he doesn't feel that way.

That didn't bring much comfort, especially since he kept saying "I don't know." He would say, "You know what I mean?" or "You know that, right?" I would avoid confirmation because, frankly, I've heard it all before. I'm not saying I don't trust his words, but the subject is dangerous. Thoughts like that made me do the things in my past. Out of fear, I wouldn't let anyone near me or my heart easily. It made me runaway.

I told him I rather not think about things like that because if I allow myself to dwell on it, it could mean trouble. He then tried to change the subject, but it was too late. So late. I knew a few seconds after the discussion begun this "mucky" feeling would stick.

It makes me angry to think how he could crush me after believing that something like our love is never-ending, but to learn it was a children's dream. That fear of someone having so much power scares me and makes me numb. The effect can numb all my feelings for his words, his embrace, his love out of defense for something that may never happen. But thats just it, that "may" alters "never". He could break me. So bad.