One of the most stereotypical guy like habits I have obtain deals with sex. Tonight for instance: N.B. and I never had sex before and I liked it that way. When it comes to relationships, I think of guys as coloring pages that I'm coloring in with markers. Once I go outside the line with the guy, or make a big mistake with him, I feel like the page or relationship is ruined. So far gone, past the point of repair. Things tend to go all downhill from there.Back to N.B. we never had sex, we were so comfortable with each other, and his apartment could be easily named one of my favorite places. Until tonight... Yes, I colored outside the lines.
The topic of sex came up. We always have been on separate ends of the issue. He thought sex wouldn't harm our relationship, he even suggest it would improve it. I, on the other hand, couldn't disagree more. My argument was that I feared his feelings would change afterwards. He even stated that us never having sex, was one of the things that separated me from other girls. However, he of course, disagreed.
The topic of sex came up. We always have been on separate ends of the issue. He thought sex wouldn't harm our relationship, he even suggest it would improve it. I, on the other hand, couldn't disagree more. My argument was that I feared his feelings would change afterwards. He even stated that us never having sex, was one of the things that separated me from other girls. However, he of course, disagreed.
I told him, if were to have sex "I'm leaving." He couldn't understand why I wouldn't stay afterwards. "You're like a dude!" is what he said. "You finally get it," I replied. He went on to plead with me to stay afterwards. I wasn't having it. I could tell he was conflicted: he wanted to have sex, but didn't want me to leave, for good. My rules was I wouldn't have sex with him unless we got married. Ha! I was tired of debating and hey, a bit interested, so after so much discussion, I nonchalantly said, "Lets go." [My tendency to be so nonchalant is another trait of mine, guys tend to not understand.]
We did it. Eh. Like I said, I quickly got dressed. As I was waiting for him to walk me to my car, I turned to give the apartment one good look-over. Silently, I said my final goodbye to my now former-favorite place.
Now as I think about it. Maybe my only fear wasn't the possibility that sex would change his feelings. Deep down, I think I probably knew it would change how I feel about him to. Sadly, the moment the act was engaged, we hit the point of no return. Now, I feel no longer interested and done. "Leave before you get left." Those words I tried to explain to him are just ringing in my head. Sigh, he was starting to become such a beautiful colored picture too...
On a positive note, at least I found out about his sexing before a marriage had commenced. Whew.
Today is pretty simple. I only had one class, got some subway, and soon I should be getting my nap in. It's just that, its hard to fully enjoy happiness when you see people around you are going through. If only it was a simple as sprinkling some of your happy-sparkles on the person and its all better. Things are not that simple though. Hm. Energy is contagious and instead of spreading mine, I think I'm catching the blue-bug again. I got things I need to do and thoughts I need to work out. I feel kind of bad cause there are things and people I have neglected these past months.