Mucky

Thats what feel right now. I just got off the phone with Babe. Subject of the conversation: What ifs. (Yeah, these are usually never good.)

In a post-argument discussion, I had expressed to him that I felt like if we were able to break up, that it would be out of his curiosity for someone knew (or boredom of me). Basically, this was vice-versa to his thinking. I was hesitant in telling him that because I don't like speaking things into existence. Sigh. So tonight he told me that he had thought about what I said and that although it is possible, he doesn't feel that way.

That didn't bring much comfort, especially since he kept saying "I don't know." He would say, "You know what I mean?" or "You know that, right?" I would avoid confirmation because, frankly, I've heard it all before. I'm not saying I don't trust his words, but the subject is dangerous. Thoughts like that made me do the things in my past. Out of fear, I wouldn't let anyone near me or my heart easily. It made me runaway.

I told him I rather not think about things like that because if I allow myself to dwell on it, it could mean trouble. He then tried to change the subject, but it was too late. So late. I knew a few seconds after the discussion begun this "mucky" feeling would stick.

It makes me angry to think how he could crush me after believing that something like our love is never-ending, but to learn it was a children's dream. That fear of someone having so much power scares me and makes me numb. The effect can numb all my feelings for his words, his embrace, his love out of defense for something that may never happen. But thats just it, that "may" alters "never". He could break me. So bad.

Can I Have This For Christmas?

By Christmas, can I have a bod like this?
We will find out.

Mother's Day + Birthday Blues

I try not to complain about things, not when I know for certain that I am blessed to have the people, opportunities, and things that I have in my life. That's what usually keeps me from expressing how I feel. That and because I feel like at the end of the day, most people don't really care, but...this is my blog and this is what is was made for.

So, Mother's Day is usually a blue day for me. Especially this year, because I feel more disconnected with the memories of my child. My son. I start to feel myself forgetting things and I don't like it. I know it is good to start to cope with loss. I don't want to forget anything, including the pain of loss because that is all I have of him. I don't know. My Bestest-F and a few other friends still send me a "Happy Mother's Day" text. That makes me smile. Feels good to be remembered.

As for my own Mom and Grandma, I plan on painting them something nice.
----

Birthday Blues...it's not my birthday, at least not until 14 more days. Anyway, my Mom texted me, stating that my Grandma wanted to know when I was coming home and I need to be available on the 21st. Okay.

Well my mom and I had a conversation about me coming home my birthday weekend just a few days back. I mentioned about coming home cause I had no real birthday plans, but she was like, "Nah, I'm sure your boyfriend will have plans for you."

So I reminded her about the convo and was like sure and asked why? Basically, my Unc-R had the idea to get everyone to come home and clean the property out in "the country", my Granddaddy's old home. She added "I forgot bout birthday." -__-

My mom was never one to make a big deal out of our birthday and I'm not complaining. She had a lot to do. Last year, I had my first birthday party for my 21st, which I planned myself. Good enough I say. BUT, I don't want to be there cleaning that day before, but I feel bad about complaining because I know it needs to be done. Just bums me out a bit that that was her (and probably my Grandma's) only reason to tell me to come home.

I've been at my beau's house the whole day today. He noticed the change in mood and I eventually opened up to him about it. The way his family celebrate birthdays is so different from mine. He also reminded me that his mom planned to cook my favorite Mexican food for me. On top of that, she may even get me a cake. Wow. I felt a bit bad cause that isn't her job, but she is willing to do that for me. So, the game plan is: Friday, go to cousin's scrimmage game, then leave for Swainsboro; Saturday, clean and then return Saturday night; Sunday, enjoy my birthday with my beau's family.

I hope my family, especially my Grandma or Unc-E don't try to guilt-trip me for leaving and spending my birthday with my beau's family. Like they had any plans to do the same...

Mourning Love

Usually when I get a call/text/tweet from B.D. I ignore and instantaneously delete it from my phone. Why? Well, after Babe, I decided to let that connection go. I felt like my eyes were finally open to all of the bulljive that B.D. was feeding me for years. And I, for one, can tell you...when you get a five star meal, you wouldn't go back to someone's scraps. Not by choice. So I chosed not to. I asked B.D. to respect me and my wish to not speak to each other.

Some may say it's a bit harsh. However, considering he has a wife, two kids, and was booted from a great career due to drugs...I think he has more important things to focus on than me. Plus, frankly, I have to keep my head above water. I will just leave that there.

Sigh. I went off on a tangent. Back to the point: I wake up to a text from him sending me "mourning love". Yeah, he spelled it just like that. He's not a complete idiot and I've known him long enough to know everything he does, has a reason. *shrug* Or maybe he just misspelled it. That's not what stopped me from deleting it. It was: "...there's some1 thinking bout you even while your sleeping". It did not put a smile on my face, like he hoped it would, but it has kept that text alive. I have yet to execute it. Now, what does that say about me?

Maybe not a whole lot. Our love will remain in "mourning". Now that I think about, that's exactly what I will consider it. Mourning Love.

Saved By The... C

I didn't do anything festive for Cinco de Mayo. *shrug* I'm broke. However, today (now yesterday) was great! I got grades back. I was super worried about only one class in particular: Feature Writing. I don't know. This class was just horrid. Sigh. I will not go in detail because it is of my past. I got a C. I can't explain to you how glorious that C seemed on my computer screen. Oh the joy!

As other celebrated or ehh'd their grades, I had a slight twinge of regret, wishing I did better. I got over it. I'm thankful. Now, one more semester to go. One. Then it is the real world. What the heck am I going to do?

Florida trip with Babe has been canceled. I could tell by the slow softness of his announcement of the "bad news" that he was expecting one of my attitudes, but I just shrugged it off. I would like to go, but its becoming a hassle. He was willing to pay for most of the trip just to give me a get-a-way. Sometimes the thought does count. I do feel bad because I feel like he deserved the get-a-way just as much, if not more, than I. Maybe summer will surprise us. :)

Fast Foward

I like how I post about school starting. Then, two posts later...school has ended.
Not sure if anyone else will read this to notice, but just in case you did, yes you, I wrote this anyway.

School is, in fact, done. I wish that I actually archived this year. A lot has happened. It would have been nice to read back over it. Sigh. *presses fast-foward*

Fall. Still stuck on having options. Had a crush here and there, Mr. N was still in the scene. Then came along Babe. Yes, I call him Babe. I was crushing. Apparently he was too, told my Sorority sister, who told me. Bam! One conversation outside a pizza place on campus, I let all my other options go. No questions asked. After countless smiles, library dates, Longhorn date, it was official. I met his family. Told my family about him. My Uncle E spazzed cause he was Mexican. I laughed. My lack of visitation was conceived as an "attitude" against my Uncle E. I shrugged. Christmas. School was suppose to start, snowed in. School started. Babe transferred. I would visit. We would argue: some big, most small. School got tough. Life got tough. I broke. Things looked up. Went to Florida. Got another scholarship. Decisions for next Fall made. Professor gave me grief. Finals. School over.

*presses play*

SMH

Wow. I'm such a loser. I haven't posted since August. Where has the time gone?

School Starts...

...next Monday. I'm not sure if I'm ready...emotionally. I love that this summer hasn't flown by like ones before. I feel so much has happened and although it has ended with the cutting of ties with people I was "close" to...it was still a great summer. I've met new people and learned a lot.
Its just, I feel like things will be slightly different now. Awkward. Seeing now that 2/3 of my usually crew aren't talking to me. However, I have my Sorors, a few guy friends, and co-workers to lean on. Even if things are reconciled, it won't be the same. My view has changed [theirs probably have too] and I won't let them get that close to me again. Maybe I have new people set to enter my life. Maybe its a process I have to learn.

School is now in session.

Quotation:

I would wish this pain away, but then what will I have left to prove that it was ever real?

I Want to Thank...

As I sit down and think about the events of this week, I realize I have some thanks [flowers] to give:

• Radio - For giving me great laughs when I needed it.
• Co-workers - For listening.
• My Bro [Sis's boyfriend] - We have a love/hate relationship, but when it counts, we drop that game and he did that. He looked out for me and in the midst of trouble in his close family [his mom being very ill] he took the time to make sure doing okay and looking for alternative apartments.
• My Big Cuz, Sis, Aunt - You helped me understand the danger I was about to face and really bring things into sight.
• My Uncs - For being the "father" I never had.
• Roomie 1 - For truly being understand about how I felt and feel. You make me realize that I may have been sticking close to the wrong people and overlooking the good.
• Roomie 2 - For teaching me the lesson to never get too comfortable and that you never really know some people. I'm sure you feel the same about me cause you think my actions were selfish. I'm sorry if you feel that way, but I'm not sorry for what I did.
• Leo - For telling me to go with my gut and talking to me, being there when I needed it.
• My Mom - You know how much you mean to me. You keep me solid. Sometimes with out you and of course, God, I feel like sand being swept away by gusts of wind, but you come in the nick of time like of flash of lightening and I become a solid and beautiful as crystal.

Caution, Friends Ahead

This week has been...tiring, to say the least. It began Sunday. I tell my sister about the apartment and two of my friends/old roomies were set to move into the follow Saturday. She was saying how cool it will be cause her boyfriend lives in that area. Five minutes or so later, I get a call from her boyfriend. He feels like family, so I call him bro. He asks about the apartment and when he says, "Who idea was this?" I knew there was trouble. Come to find out, it was one of the roughest spots around. He continue to tell me, we should definitely try to find somewhere else. He then instructed me to talk to my friends, so I call the one I'm closest to about and told her to pass the word.
Although we had went through the application process and put down our security deposit, I was sure we would all be aboard trying to find something better for our safety. Boy was I wrong.
Basically, as the week progressed, I talked to my family members who've leaved in this city for basically their whole lives. It was clear it was not a place for us. However, the people my friends talked to told them "it's not that bad, etc."
So it all ended up with me seeming to be the bad person. =\ It came down to a talk and they were saying it was up to me. That they wouldn't want me to stay some where I'm not comfortable. To just sleep on it and go with what I felt in the morning. So that night I prayed, woke up and I felt "no."
Now I am apparently out one of my to friends, lo and behold, it was the one I was closest too. I haven't heard from her. However, my other friend filled me in this morning about their new living arrangements, which I was happy to here. They needed a place to stay. She asked if I was okay and I was, I texted "I must say, to be honest, I'm just glad ya'll arent living in that area." To my surprise, she agreed.
Later today, I went on twitter, and I went looking for things I didn't want to find which was my fault. The friend I thought I was closest to had subtweeted all about me. Saying it shows my true character, she thought she knew me, all the money we had paid went to waste, etc. I refuse to react to those things.
She claims, I wasn't a true friend. I feel the opposite. Safety and peace of mind comes first. My feelings are hurt, but I have no regrets except for not finding out more on the area earlier. However, I believe I needed to live this, its a lesson to learn. About myself and others close around me too. Things will never be the same.

The Other Guys + Step Up 3D

Last weekend was movies-galore! Friday, I went out with Leo to see The Other Guys. I thought it was pretty funny. Honestly, I was going to see it because Leo suggested it. I thought it was going to be a dud, but I really enjoyed it. It was a great mixture of talent in the cast. Hehe. I lol'd quite a few times.
Saturday, I went out with this guy I had met sometime before. He is a very talented performer/dancer. We hadn't really hung out and he seemed pretty cool, so when he offered to hit the movies, I accepted. For the purposes of this blog, I think I shall call him, Roboto. =]
Stereo and I had a great time. The movie was awesome. I have a major new crush. His name? Chadd Smith. This guy is so gorgeous and super talented! Jinkies. *swoon*

Well Da*m

After a lot of thought and talking with some of my good friends, I have come to a realization. I was wrong. I was wrong in thinking that my reasons for staying or returning back to Mr. N for so long were more noble than his. I was over here venting, talking smack while all along, I was sticking around for the same reasons I criticized him for.
It started to hit me when someone asked, "Do you think you really loved him, since you could let him go so easily?" I quickly thought and said, "You know what, I don't think I did." I know what that kind of break up feels like. It is horrible! Your thoughts, feelings, everything feels torn. Its like when that person left, they took half of you.

I didn't feel that.

Then when I think about the reasons I miss him, guess what number one is: Sex. Yeah, I also miss laughing with him or looking into those brown eyes...

Same as him saying "I enjoy your company and I like looking at you."

Sooo remember that truth I was looking for? I've found it.

I owe someone an apology.

Well damn.

Sunny Side Up!

Last two posts were...depressing. I know. So to end things on a good note before I head to bed, here are some positive things going on:

• I move in my apartment with my two good friends and old roomies on the 14th!
• Things with the newsletter were rocky, but seem to be shaping up. I just need to learn how to delegate and plan ahead.
• My Mom is the best, she is always there to give me words of peace. They always come to the rescue, why did I ever doubt her? Oh her birthday is Sunday July 8!
• I get to go see Step Up 3D with a friend of mine. He is sweet and I haven't seen him in a while. Will be nice to catch up. Plus a great movie!
• I bought some healthy foods to keep the pounds and sickness away. The lack of Subway in my diet this week was starting to make me feel bad. I'm use to it 3-4 week.
• Leo called tonight. Nice to know I'm still on his mind and we've made plans to go see The Other Guys on Friday. [I like his good timing...thats another post for another day.]
• My Uncle is better, he was having heart problems, but actually made a call here today and should be released to rehab to regain his balance in a few days.
• I have family and friends who love me, I'm attending college, I have a job, I can read and write, I see no battle, I have food and water and some money, a baby angel that looks after me, somewhat peace of mind, and I'm alive!

There is so much more I could list that I thank the Heavens for. I need to remember to reflect back on the big and small blessings I have. Not only does it keep me afloat, but there all many on this world who aren't so fortunate.

So give some free love today! =]

The End: Mr. N

I know I sound like a broken Keyshia Cole record, but *sings* I've Chaaanged Myyy Miiind... I don't love Mr. N. no more! Nah, I don't love you no more.
Okay, let me stop frontin', Denzelin'. What happened this time? Well, after a night of drinking, Mr. N calls and comes to see me like 6am in the morn. We are talking picking at each other, I say the smart remark, "...but you love me tho." equipped with the neck roll. Then what did I see? Hesitation written all on that face of his. It got very very dark then.
To spare word count and reading time, I have separated our argument into his and my side.
Mr. N's Side:
He doesn't really love me, he just said it in return so he wouldn't be a "dickhead." He does, however, have feelings for me and likes me. He still doesn't think I have anything to talk about and he feels that all his attempts at communication are to no avail. BUT he still enjoys my company and likes looking at me. So for some odd reason he likes me because despite our lack of chemistry, unlike his other girlfriends, our sex has moved "from good to great." Also, possibly moving in with each other or a similar "circumstance" would help him "grow to love" me.

My Side:
So you lied to me. Annnd you are just here for the sex. Great.

The Truth:
They say there is your side, their side, and somewhere inbetween, lies the truth.
Do you see it?

I'm not going to act like I'm all right and I've been perfect. I'm no where near. As for the truth I do know...we are done. I told him I prefer to let him go so he can find a girl with the good sex, chemistry and convo. that he wants. He said, I was trying to rush things. We've been going at it for a year and a half and haven't went anywhere. No improvement, except for sex, obviously. We need to move on. He considers that as me "giving up" on him. I think we both deserve better, someone who is a better fit for us and our needs. This has been long overdue. He said he does not break up "on a nice note" so he vowed to never speak to me again. Hence him deleting me from facebook, and probably myspace too, but I don't even get on there anymore. *shrugs*
Gah, I feel stupid. Him telling me he loved me that night, gave me hope that things could possibly get better. Stupid girl, stupid, stupid girl. Can't blame anyone really, but myself.

But now, when I think about it, I ask myself:
Did I ever really love him? Or did I lie too?

The Awkward Turtle Tales

Hm, I guess we can say the rainbows and infatuation stages have cleared. The white puffy clouds are gone. Now I'm laying under the blue sky. Still enjoying the sun though...still a pretty day.
What happened? Well...
Yesterday, Cb. and I were textin' it up as us-u-al. Then it goes a little something like this.
Cb.: Wait, I need to know how you want me...I'm confused.
Me: Wait, seriously? [Cause we play with each other all the time like we are cuddle buddies]
Cb.: lol yea
Me: I like you, but I don't feel like I know you well enough to want more than a friendship. I thought you just wanted a friendship?
Cb.: Oh okay. I was just making sure we were on the same page.
Cb.: Cause I don't want a relationship right now. lol
Me: Oh okay. Cool.
Me: So there weren't any misunderstandings at all.
Cb.: Right. Okay.
**Cue the awkward turtle who slowly walks in, flips on his back, and waddles there**

Now, I'm on a hard "fall back" mode. I do not like for my actions to seem fast or coming on too strong or be misinterpreted. Texting has come to an halt, unlike before. I refuse to bother him and when he texts, I don't know what to say really. My comfort zone has been shot. He use to call each night once he got off work and start up a text convo. once he made it home that lasted for hours. None of that. My friend says, I need to shake it off and just go on as before, but from her "Uh-oh," she knew I've enter that place of no return.

It was fun while it lasted. Didn't I know it though?! I told myself to just "enjoy these moments." Welp, they are gone...
So me and awkward turtle are going to resuming laying on our backs now. Good day.

Again & Another Again

My life soundtrack includes John Legend's Again and Another Again right now. =| Yesterday, I found myself back in the arms of my past. Yeah, you may have guessed it: Mr. N. Gahh! Why is it so hard to leave him alone? We fight and separate over the smallest of things. Elementary things!

Then sooner or later, we return.

Why do I miss him? I tell you, I looked at those pretty brown eyes yesterday and...sighhh.
Did I mention I confessed my love to him in a drunken state while I was in Orlando? I didn't? Oh, yeah, well...I did. I blame it on the alcohol. I remember it all, but when the drinks are poured, I feel free to say or do whats on my mind. It could have been worse. At least he said he loved me back. *shrugs*

So, yeah...like John said, "We're doing it again."

Can you sense my excitement?

Quotation:

"Scared for this to last forever & here I thought I was being clever. They say never say never, but I'll never believe there can't be better."

New! "Quotation"

I think I am going to begin posting FB Stats or Tweets that really mean something to me. These will be original quotes by me. I need a place where I can easily come back to and reflect on them.

Like Life Updates 7.28

Love, such a fickle thing.

Okay, love is not fickle...I am. Plus, I'm not on love at the moment, hence "Like Life." So the past few days I have been living it up. After kissing my Bestest-M once more, a goodbye kiss, if you will, I returned back to the city. Like I said before, our relationship, I feel, hasn't really changed. Yay!
So who have I been swooning over lately? The New Guy, you guess? Nooope. Also, from this moment on, we shall call him, Leo.

[New guy -> Leo]

Why the name change? Well, it was overdue annnd there is a new like interest: Cb. It stands for a delightful lil nickname that I already call him. I've known Cb. before actually. I met him sometime this past year at school. Never really gave him much thought. I thought he may be interested in me before, but he is really close to a good friend of mine, plus other small underlying things I had heard. Then said good friend of mine kind of suggested the idea. I tinkered on it.
We've been textin like rabbits since. Textin' not sextin'. I love talking with him. I feel like I am digging under the surface of my first impression of him and I've found something wonderful: a weirdo. Someone who is as weird, if not a bit more, as me. Happiness comes in the form...
We sometimes lightly brush on the idea of our attraction for each other, which is good. I don't like to be too obvious and if I feel like there is nothing new to discover or gain, I tend to get bored. So I think it is best he keeps me, and I him, on my toes.

Honestly, you guys, I'm loving how easy it is to talk to him. I can be as silly or random as I want and he goes right with it. He doesn't make me feel completely odd or overly silly, like others. However, I know about infatuation stages, how they come and go, so I keep telling myself not to get too comfortable, to just enjoy these moments for what they are...moments. No one knows how long they'll last, but I'm hoping...