The Smash & Dash [PG-13]

Ask my closest friends and they'll tell you. Usually, and I mean 97% of the time, in relationships, I can be such a guy. The roles seem to naturally switch. I'm not much for mushy moments most of the time. I can sit around playing video games all day. I usually find the guy to be more sensitive than I am. Just things here and there that I have picked up from past lovers and lusters. Methods that once hurt me, I now use in my defense.

One of the most stereotypical guy like habits I have obtain deals with sex. Tonight for instance: N.B. and I never had sex before and I liked it that way. When it comes to relationships, I think of guys as coloring pages that I'm coloring in with markers. Once I go outside the line with the guy, or make a big mistake with him, I feel like the page or relationship is ruined. So far gone, past the point of repair. Things tend to go all downhill from there.

Back to N.B. we never had sex, we were so comfortable with each other, and his apartment could be easily named one of my favorite places. Until tonight... Yes, I colored outside the lines.
The topic of sex came up. We always have been on separate ends of the issue. He thought sex wouldn't harm our relationship, he even suggest it would improve it. I, on the other hand, couldn't disagree more. My argument was that I feared his feelings would change afterwards. He even stated that us never having sex, was one of the things that separated me from other girls. However, he of course, disagreed.

I told him, if were to have sex "I'm leaving." He couldn't understand why I wouldn't stay afterwards. "You're like a dude!" is what he said. "You finally get it," I replied. He went on to plead with me to stay afterwards. I wasn't having it. I could tell he was conflicted: he wanted to have sex, but didn't want me to leave, for good. My rules was I wouldn't have sex with him unless we got married. Ha! I was tired of debating and hey, a bit interested, so after so much discussion, I nonchalantly said, "Lets go." [My tendency to be so nonchalant is another trait of mine, guys tend to not understand.]

We did it. Eh. Like I said, I quickly got dressed. As I was waiting for him to walk me to my car, I turned to give the apartment one good look-over. Silently, I said my final goodbye to my now former-favorite place.

Now as I think about it. Maybe my only fear wasn't the possibility that sex would change his feelings. Deep down, I think I probably knew it would change how I feel about him to. Sadly, the moment the act was engaged, we hit the point of no return. Now, I feel no longer interested and done. "Leave before you get left." Those words I tried to explain to him are just ringing in my head. Sigh, he was starting to become such a beautiful colored picture too...

On a positive note, at least I found out about his sexing before a marriage had commenced. Whew.

Oh! How My Mind Slips Me

So earlier today, at work, I had a BOMB topic to write about. It was going to be magical and then...I forgot. Gahhh! Sadness comes in the form...
Anywho, I wanted to share my current read with you all. The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks. He is a lovely writer! Like this one, most of his books have been made into motion pictures: The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, and the second latest, Dear John [which I totally hated! It was so unlike the book. It gave it no justice, but thats another post for another day.]
I'm a little over halfway done. I only allow myself to read it while a work so I don't speed through it in one all-nighter. Another rule: I must completely read the book before I see the movie. Otherwise, if I see the movie, I will never finish the book. Needless to say, I doubt I will ever attempt to read A Walk to Remember or The Notebook. Seen it! As for seeing this movie, I don't know. After seeing the monstrosity, Dear John, and the 1 3/4 star rating of the movie The Last Song, I may just pass.
I leave you with a quote from this book that I came across today. Something to tinker about. It really hit me the moment my eyes graced the words...

"...you have to love something before you can hate it."

Where Have The Bloggers Gone?

Okay. Not like I would ever or plan to get "baked." If that is something you enjoy doing, more power to you. It's your thing, do what you wanna do. * does jig*
The point is...I don't have the "blogger buddies" to share my giddy news to anymore. =[ Yes, some of you are still here, thankfully, or I would have probably stopped posting, again. So I appreciate you.
Where is everyone? Is there a new wave of bloggers who have replaced those of the past? Is my blogroll outdated? Who am I missing out on?

Basically...is anyone out there?

Commitment? Who Me?!

"I am not quick to commit."
I wasn't really then and definitely aren't now. My friend and I were having a discussion. She said, "You know, Amber, I know you say you don't want a commitment, but I don't think you are ready for a commitment." Thats when it sort of hit me. Before, I have even said that I didn't want to be in a relationship right now, but having someone else say it kind of cemented it.
She went on to say that its just I haven't found the "one" who deserves my commitment.
I seriously spent so much time last year looking and searching. I finally resigned to just embracing the single life. Listening to what my mom had been telling me since high school. "Just enjoy [guys'] company" and "just be friends." I made me a system where I would outsource for what I needed. I subconsciously pin-point a guy for each various quality or piece of affection I desired. Now the thought of being chained to one guy sounds a bit...crazy.
Don't get me wrong, if I were to actually find a guy who embodied all the qualities that all the other guys are giving, I would be head over heels. But...have you seen him? Pshh, if so, send him over. Until then, I guess I will find myself torn between two, three, or four...
No half-stepping either. If he ain't bringing the bread and butter [bread doesn't mean big bucks, thought it would be nice], I will dine somewhere else. It sounds bad, but I'm just being honest. *shrugs*
N.B. says I'm so Bella-ish. I don't see the similarity other than the fact of her kind of juggling two guys. I'm sure that's not what he means. Haha.
Note that I chose a photo of her with wolfboy. Team Jacob!