Well Da*m

After a lot of thought and talking with some of my good friends, I have come to a realization. I was wrong. I was wrong in thinking that my reasons for staying or returning back to Mr. N for so long were more noble than his. I was over here venting, talking smack while all along, I was sticking around for the same reasons I criticized him for.
It started to hit me when someone asked, "Do you think you really loved him, since you could let him go so easily?" I quickly thought and said, "You know what, I don't think I did." I know what that kind of break up feels like. It is horrible! Your thoughts, feelings, everything feels torn. Its like when that person left, they took half of you.

I didn't feel that.

Then when I think about the reasons I miss him, guess what number one is: Sex. Yeah, I also miss laughing with him or looking into those brown eyes...

Same as him saying "I enjoy your company and I like looking at you."

Sooo remember that truth I was looking for? I've found it.

I owe someone an apology.

Well damn.

Sunny Side Up!

Last two posts were...depressing. I know. So to end things on a good note before I head to bed, here are some positive things going on:

• I move in my apartment with my two good friends and old roomies on the 14th!
• Things with the newsletter were rocky, but seem to be shaping up. I just need to learn how to delegate and plan ahead.
• My Mom is the best, she is always there to give me words of peace. They always come to the rescue, why did I ever doubt her? Oh her birthday is Sunday July 8!
• I get to go see Step Up 3D with a friend of mine. He is sweet and I haven't seen him in a while. Will be nice to catch up. Plus a great movie!
• I bought some healthy foods to keep the pounds and sickness away. The lack of Subway in my diet this week was starting to make me feel bad. I'm use to it 3-4 week.
• Leo called tonight. Nice to know I'm still on his mind and we've made plans to go see The Other Guys on Friday. [I like his good timing...thats another post for another day.]
• My Uncle is better, he was having heart problems, but actually made a call here today and should be released to rehab to regain his balance in a few days.
• I have family and friends who love me, I'm attending college, I have a job, I can read and write, I see no battle, I have food and water and some money, a baby angel that looks after me, somewhat peace of mind, and I'm alive!

There is so much more I could list that I thank the Heavens for. I need to remember to reflect back on the big and small blessings I have. Not only does it keep me afloat, but there all many on this world who aren't so fortunate.

So give some free love today! =]

The End: Mr. N

I know I sound like a broken Keyshia Cole record, but *sings* I've Chaaanged Myyy Miiind... I don't love Mr. N. no more! Nah, I don't love you no more.
Okay, let me stop frontin', Denzelin'. What happened this time? Well, after a night of drinking, Mr. N calls and comes to see me like 6am in the morn. We are talking picking at each other, I say the smart remark, "...but you love me tho." equipped with the neck roll. Then what did I see? Hesitation written all on that face of his. It got very very dark then.
To spare word count and reading time, I have separated our argument into his and my side.
Mr. N's Side:
He doesn't really love me, he just said it in return so he wouldn't be a "dickhead." He does, however, have feelings for me and likes me. He still doesn't think I have anything to talk about and he feels that all his attempts at communication are to no avail. BUT he still enjoys my company and likes looking at me. So for some odd reason he likes me because despite our lack of chemistry, unlike his other girlfriends, our sex has moved "from good to great." Also, possibly moving in with each other or a similar "circumstance" would help him "grow to love" me.

My Side:
So you lied to me. Annnd you are just here for the sex. Great.

The Truth:
They say there is your side, their side, and somewhere inbetween, lies the truth.
Do you see it?

I'm not going to act like I'm all right and I've been perfect. I'm no where near. As for the truth I do know...we are done. I told him I prefer to let him go so he can find a girl with the good sex, chemistry and convo. that he wants. He said, I was trying to rush things. We've been going at it for a year and a half and haven't went anywhere. No improvement, except for sex, obviously. We need to move on. He considers that as me "giving up" on him. I think we both deserve better, someone who is a better fit for us and our needs. This has been long overdue. He said he does not break up "on a nice note" so he vowed to never speak to me again. Hence him deleting me from facebook, and probably myspace too, but I don't even get on there anymore. *shrugs*
Gah, I feel stupid. Him telling me he loved me that night, gave me hope that things could possibly get better. Stupid girl, stupid, stupid girl. Can't blame anyone really, but myself.

But now, when I think about it, I ask myself:
Did I ever really love him? Or did I lie too?

The Awkward Turtle Tales

Hm, I guess we can say the rainbows and infatuation stages have cleared. The white puffy clouds are gone. Now I'm laying under the blue sky. Still enjoying the sun though...still a pretty day.
What happened? Well...
Yesterday, Cb. and I were textin' it up as us-u-al. Then it goes a little something like this.
Cb.: Wait, I need to know how you want me...I'm confused.
Me: Wait, seriously? [Cause we play with each other all the time like we are cuddle buddies]
Cb.: lol yea
Me: I like you, but I don't feel like I know you well enough to want more than a friendship. I thought you just wanted a friendship?
Cb.: Oh okay. I was just making sure we were on the same page.
Cb.: Cause I don't want a relationship right now. lol
Me: Oh okay. Cool.
Me: So there weren't any misunderstandings at all.
Cb.: Right. Okay.
**Cue the awkward turtle who slowly walks in, flips on his back, and waddles there**

Now, I'm on a hard "fall back" mode. I do not like for my actions to seem fast or coming on too strong or be misinterpreted. Texting has come to an halt, unlike before. I refuse to bother him and when he texts, I don't know what to say really. My comfort zone has been shot. He use to call each night once he got off work and start up a text convo. once he made it home that lasted for hours. None of that. My friend says, I need to shake it off and just go on as before, but from her "Uh-oh," she knew I've enter that place of no return.

It was fun while it lasted. Didn't I know it though?! I told myself to just "enjoy these moments." Welp, they are gone...
So me and awkward turtle are going to resuming laying on our backs now. Good day.