My.Missus

Have you ever looked at yourself

and didn't recognize who you were?

Its more than a look in the mirror one morning

and seeing a blemish that wasn't there before.

A true look inside. 

Missing something?

Where is the person that use to be there?

I know with maturity, difference is expected.

It's just so dark and the person I see is faded.

Head down, arms wrapped around her knees.

Written all over the walls of my heart is 

"Help Me"

The moment she lifts up her head

I see the line of tears imprinted upon her face.

She seems like she is barely alive

I search for a pulse, but its faintly there.

I look deep into her eyes...

and I'm back here.

Head down, arms around my knees.

Moisture on my cheeks.

"Help me" 

written all around me.

On.My.Mind

Carelessly, I Was Writing Away...

...its this thing I call randomization.

   Basically, I take a piece of paper and write random words all over the page until its full. You can't read it from left to right or anything. Its just random words I think, hear, or say. My roommates always like to see what they can find when I bring a sheet back from work. I do it all the time at work, it helps the time pass. Last night, they found I wrote "welcome back to all the hurt." I seriously can't remember writing it or even thinking it. That made it so much more neat. Its cool to see what is written unconsciously on my mind. 

    I believe it may have stemmed from the other night with The Baller. The whole time I was there, I kept thinking to myself, "Just soak this all in; enjoy the moment." I didn't know when I would get to experience this again. I was indulging. Breathing in the smell of him, that I sometimes come across randomly during the day. Feeling him lay next to me. The way he jerks a little when he sleeps. When he scoots closer to me so he can rest his head on me. I wanted to just cherish the moment. For all I knew, that may be the last moment we shared together. Nothing is concrete between us. I could feel my defenses coming down. Feelings were springing back to life. We didn't even kiss, but I was smitten all the same. It was beautiful, I didn't want it to end. Thats just it though...most likely its going to end. I've took the journey before. I would soon venture down the same road of disappointment and arrive to the sign, "Welcome Back to All The Hurt." For some reason, I'm willing to pay the toll of heartache to feel him next to me. Its such a beautiful thing. Crazy, right?

Make.A.Run.For.It

Dodge The Choppers...

...and jump the fence.

I have just ran for my life! Okay, maybe not my life...haha, but my rep. at least. Sooo, I guess I should start off from this afternoon at my college's courtyard. After my first class, guess who I spot... The Baller. I was going to carry on towards the cafeteria. While I was approaching the steps, we met up. He gave me the "what up" nod and I gave him he dueces. As I stepped up, he hit the back of my leg. I then hook my arm with him and walked to the cafeteria with him. Yesss! I did, even though we haven't talked in a while, and after the "you'll be just fine" episode. Big Womp! Haha.

Anywho, later on my roomate was having a guy friend over. Made me think of him. Then, I just decided to take a jump for it and text him... 

"What are you doin? Other than chillin?"

"Watching tv."

"Hm. Can I come watch tv too? Or you don't feel like being bothered."

"Yeah you can come for a while."

So I hopped my happy-self to his room. They have the hugest beds in the entire dorm. I missed my baby[the bed]. His friends came soon after and he went to the living area to play spades. So I got the whooooole bed to myself. =] I chilled, got under the covers and watched Living Single. They offered to let me play the wii, but I was good. He came in and layed out for a game and went back. Didn't matter, I was into The Jeffersons. By the time Family Matters was on, he went to bed. I've been missing laying there beside him. I love how he scoots under me. Feels so good you know. NO, we didn't have sex. We were just there, together. *sigh* BUT THEN...

There was a knock on the door, IT WAS ONE OF HIS COACHES! They have room check the night before gamedays. Next thing I know, he is knocking on his bedroom door! Thank God the door was locked. I was fully clothed, but they aren't suppose to have a girl in their bedroom. If I was in the living area with the other girls, it would have been fine. First thing that popped in my head was hide under the bed. However, he already took too long to answer the door so it already seemed suspicious. I told him it would be worse if I hid and he found me than if we just opened the door. 

His coach is still there and calls his phone. He answers the phone like he was sleep. He told his coach he "took a NyQuil and was knocked in his sister's room." [Haha, @ NyQuil] His coach says, "I need to see your face man." So he tells him he is on his way. Two minutes later the coach leaves. He then called his roommate to be sure he was gone. Then I jumped in my boots. It was hilarious. His teammates in the living area were just smiling. Gosh, I hate being spotted. He checks the hall through the peep hole and signaled me to go. I made a dash for the elevator. Mission Complete. My heart is still racing a little bit. Haha. Wow. What a rush.

SuperBowl.Weekend

There Is Always Something There To Remind Me...

...of him.

My weekend was pretty dandy. Friday, went shopping. I also, went to CAU. It was quite eventfully...fire alarms and such. [long story] I did get to meet a few people and danced a little. We had a small house party. Goodtimes. Saturday, I worked and then headed to my Unc-R's. My sister was in town from Alabama. All of us went to LongHorn and acted straight up crazy. As we should. Haha. I got the huge ribeye which I have not finished to this day. Haha. We laughed, danced in the parking lot, and reminisced about our younger years. Video coming soon.

Sunday, superbowl! Okay, not really, I was watch movies! Gran Torino and Taken were the movies of choice. Pretty nifty, if you ask me. Clint Eastwood is hi-la-ri-ous in this joint. 

"Get off my lawn."

As For The Rest Of Sunday...

...as I was leaving the gas station across from my dorm. Guess who I bump into? The Baller. *sigh* I kid you not, my mind went blank...I can't even remember what I did when I first saw him, but my roommate said I threw up the dueces. Then the convo went something like this:

Him: What's up? *Hold out arms for hug*

Me: Not much. *I go for the one arm hug*

*He steps back*

Him: You act like you don't wanna give me a hug?!

Me: Hm...

Him: What you got?

Me: Some sweet tarts, you know how I like it. [Sorry, my mind was gone.]

*we both walking away a little*

Him: Oh, Thats messed up tho...act like you didn't want to give me a hug.

Me: I'm sure you'll be just fine.

*He looks taken aback* *I walk off*

I will never forget his face when I said that. I know it may seem mean that I said that, but you have to understand. Dude act like everything is cool. I haven't heard from him for about 2 weeks. I know he gets busy, but geez. I'm not gonna act like everything is cool, cause then he may think its okay. Like I don't have a problem with it. I really like this guy and I'm willing to be understanding and I want to spend time with him. However, I need him to do the same. Eh...he probably is not that into me, cool. I won't be on his jock, I will keep convo to the minimum: "dueces". Thats just me.