Just.A.Thought

    Maybe I'm bi-polar? Just a thought. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm not hiding the shadows of my mind as much anymore. It being summer, I don't have much of an audience to smile and perform happiness for anymore. Sometimes, putting a smile on my face can be hard. It should be simple. It would take all of me to try to block these thoughts. I think it is impossible to not think about it. This is what I feared would come. Silence and being lost in thought.

    I don't mean to come across as ungrateful. I am well aware of the many blessings God as placed upon me. I feel guilty feeling down, when there is plenty of people out there in a worst condition than me. Especially, since I can't give a name to exactly what is wrong. It's been with me for a while though. I don't remember when it move in and made a home in my chest. I know its there. It's unmistakeable the times it grows heavy while I try to hold back my tears.

   For so long, I seem to place myself around people who I feel need me. Mainly in relationships concerning love. Helping with their problems keep me from placing light on mine. Making sure they are fine, keeps me from checking on my own condition. Listening to them, keeps my thought from echoing. Then, there are moments, when no one is in my waiting room. No one to tend to, no one to distract me, and I'm imprisoned in my mind. 

    I'm stronger than this, I know I am. I know. Most of the blame should be placed on me. I've become accustomed to the darkness. I will admit. I keep it inside. I don't want it to affect others. I don't want run anyone away. Plus, I wouldn't appreciate the sunshine without darkness, right?

It's just one of my dark seasons. Thats all. I'll make it. I just got to wait it out. Wait for the sun again. Just like before...

Home.Sick

I Just Want To Go...

...pack up a bag and hit the highway for home. *sigh* I have too many obligations to go off and do that. School, work, family... Its just that, this weekend...well past few weeks have been emotionally unbalanced. I'm a moody person, but I've been swinging more than usual lately and its starting to scare me a little. I don't want to hit my lowest of the low. Especially now that I found someone special, Mr. N. But its almost like I feel its coming. Some nights, its almost like I can feel the darkness fill me. I don't want my darkness to affect him...or anyone, for that matter.

    I got to find a way to deal. To do it on my own. My moms says I need to ask for help, talk to someone...but I don't like that. It makes me feel weak... I'm use to holding it all inside. I've been doing it for so long, I don't really want to change that. Its what I'm comfortable with. There's just so much. My mind is so occupied. I've been forgetting things, slacking here and there. I've lost my focus.

Thinking Back...

    When I was younger, when I was riding home with my mom and sis in the backseat, there would be this street light we would take a left at to go home. Some evenings, when the sunset was just right and the pink, purple, and blue in the sky was announcing the night...I wished my mom would just make a right. Just spur of the moment, make a right and we would go away...anywhere.

     Thats what I want to do. Just one day, after class or whatnot, I would look at the sky and think, "This is the day, this is the moment." And just drive...find my way "home."