Changes

I know, I haven't updated in a while. I have been going through a lot in the last few days. Trying to study for finals, figure out moving out details, deciding where I'm going to go to college, and, of course, finances. A WHOLE LOT! I tell you, I was stressing to the point of tears Wednesday night. It seemed like everything was falling on me, too much weight. I will have to admit it was my fault. I should have taken care of things better, I guess.

So basically, like my Mom said, I was "at a crossroads." She asked, "Without thinking about money, where do you wanna be?" She said I could take my time and think about it, but I already knew my answer. So, I will be transferring back to my previous school. I was wayyy more involved there, the people were friendlier, and the surroundings is better. Plus, its cheaper! I know, I shouldn't let money decide where I go. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I've been told that, but...what does that really mean? Especially when I have to basically pay for it myself. Of course, money will be a deciding factor. The money my mom saved was soaked up this semester, times are hard, and she has done so much for me [and my sister.]

I've prayed about this and I believe it is a good decision. I came here to be sure I wasn't missing out on anything. I came, I saw...I wasn't missing a thing. Time for me to go back, well, get back to the other track. Even though a lot of questions have been answered there is one that is really resonating...

"What about Mr. N and I?"

Distressments.and.Etc

First Video Bloggg!

It's not the greatest, but eh...

Its late, I'm bored and distressed and this is a product all of that.

Enjoy =]

If you have any advice on how to get some clarity, let me know. =]

Diss.Appointment

Welcome to rock bottom, population: 1.

I know how to spelling it correctly [d-i-s-a-p-p-o-i-n-t-m-e-n-t]...its for effect. 

Anyways...I'm not in so great of a mood. I'm more mad at myself than anyone else. I hate this...feeling like this. I knew he wasn't gonna show, I knew it. I didn't even mean to get my hopes up...that jive came out of no where! I know better than to believe such a thing. My heart is freaking screwed man. If you haven't guessed, I'm talking about B.D. [code-name]. 

I hate how I unwillingly love this guy. He doesn't deserve it. I can be so so so cold-hearted towards them all, but when it comes to him... Its ridiculous, I mean he doesn't deserve this much emotion from me. If anyone, Cali does, but my heart is too damaged to do it. I could sit here and write "I'm so through with him...blah, blah, blah." I'm sick of doing that. Time after time I say it, but something always happens.  It's like a Keyshia Cole song skipping and on repeat. No one wants to hear that jive, even me!

I hate the mood it puts me in. I get short with people who don't have anything to do with it. I feel like a super value-pack of mess, that no one wants to buy. I begin to remember all the things that went wrong. It feels like with each breath, I should exhale an ice-cold sigh. I lay down and wait for my heart to slowly stop beating so it would match my cold, heartless mind-set. It just makes me want to give up the hope of love all together. Each time the next dude has a higher wall to climb. Each time I have a longer  distance to fall. Then boom! I hit the bottom. 

There are some many less fortunate people in the world, so I know I shouldn't waste my time being angry about it. It just hurts so much. I wish for once, I could just touch him and make him feel allll the pain. Let him see through my eyes and heart how it was when he wasn't there, when his words cut me deep, and most importantly, when I lost it all...our son.

Follow.Thru

Are you serious...?

So, it seems that plans with Cali [code-name] did not follow through.  I was suppose to go to his house after I went to the cemetery with my G-ma. However, plans got pushed back a lil. When he was in town, I was just leaving to go get her. He was wondering if he should wait. I told him nah cause we got to go out wayyy in the country. I was under the impression he was gonna come back and get me when I returned home. The drive is only a few minutes. Sooo, I just called him: 

He says, "So are you gonna come see me?" 

I replied, "Yeah, when you come get me."

He says, "Ams, for real?!"

"Yeahhh, " I respond.

Then he continues to explain how he waited on me and how I told him to go ahead. Misunderstanding, basically. *sigh* I know, I could drive just as well as he, but I just feel he should come to me first...he's the guy. Call it old-fashioned if ya want. 

 

Hm, I don't know...

I'm starting to feel bad about that whole situation again. I know he cares more about me than I, him. That's why I decided we should just be friends. I believe he deserves better...ya know? Someone who will love him just the same. I don't want to just stop all communication with him, he is a very nice, respectable, cool guy. However, sometimes he starts to get too "heavy." Plus, I have come to the conclusion and accepted the fact that I'm into the "bad guys." Sorry.

I know you may be thinking "Typical! She finds a good dude, but don't want him." Well, yeah its true...but pardon me if I won't put him through heartache. I refuse to play with someone's emotions like that. After months of being in a relationship, I realized that I seriously doubted I could ever fall in love or give him the emotional support he wants/needs. I got some things to work out within myself. Call it what you want, shawty! Haha. But eh, tell me what would you do?

Anyway,my irritation may just be from how he continuously called to wake me up earlier. [Its this thing I would usually do, call him real early to wake him up on purpose.] I can't really complain cause I do it to him, but I didn't go to sleep til like 7. He wasn't the only one tho...I had like 5-7 calls! Don't you just hate that? You enjoying some goooood sleep, next thing you know...*ring, ring* on the celly! Haha. Hm, I reckon I'll go out there and visit him tomorrow. [Speaking of the devil, he just texted. Haha.]

I just got a lot planned for this week: 1. I need to go visit one of my best friends...we've been friends since kindergarten. I didn't get to catch up with her during Thanksgiving break. 2. I need to have an outing/pep-talk with this lil' girl I look after. Her sister called me and asked if I would have a talk with her cause she is acting up in school and her grades are slipping. So basically, thats a must do. 3. I have yet to go Christmas shopping. [maybe that should be #1] Haha. 4. I need to visit the B.D.'s [code-name] fam. Thats about all I can really think of. *sigh* Welp, I guess I'm bout to head back to my G-ma's...after I pick up a chocolate milkshake. =]