Mucky

Thats what feel right now. I just got off the phone with Babe. Subject of the conversation: What ifs. (Yeah, these are usually never good.)

In a post-argument discussion, I had expressed to him that I felt like if we were able to break up, that it would be out of his curiosity for someone knew (or boredom of me). Basically, this was vice-versa to his thinking. I was hesitant in telling him that because I don't like speaking things into existence. Sigh. So tonight he told me that he had thought about what I said and that although it is possible, he doesn't feel that way.

That didn't bring much comfort, especially since he kept saying "I don't know." He would say, "You know what I mean?" or "You know that, right?" I would avoid confirmation because, frankly, I've heard it all before. I'm not saying I don't trust his words, but the subject is dangerous. Thoughts like that made me do the things in my past. Out of fear, I wouldn't let anyone near me or my heart easily. It made me runaway.

I told him I rather not think about things like that because if I allow myself to dwell on it, it could mean trouble. He then tried to change the subject, but it was too late. So late. I knew a few seconds after the discussion begun this "mucky" feeling would stick.

It makes me angry to think how he could crush me after believing that something like our love is never-ending, but to learn it was a children's dream. That fear of someone having so much power scares me and makes me numb. The effect can numb all my feelings for his words, his embrace, his love out of defense for something that may never happen. But thats just it, that "may" alters "never". He could break me. So bad.

Can I Have This For Christmas?

By Christmas, can I have a bod like this?
We will find out.

Mother's Day + Birthday Blues

I try not to complain about things, not when I know for certain that I am blessed to have the people, opportunities, and things that I have in my life. That's what usually keeps me from expressing how I feel. That and because I feel like at the end of the day, most people don't really care, but...this is my blog and this is what is was made for.

So, Mother's Day is usually a blue day for me. Especially this year, because I feel more disconnected with the memories of my child. My son. I start to feel myself forgetting things and I don't like it. I know it is good to start to cope with loss. I don't want to forget anything, including the pain of loss because that is all I have of him. I don't know. My Bestest-F and a few other friends still send me a "Happy Mother's Day" text. That makes me smile. Feels good to be remembered.

As for my own Mom and Grandma, I plan on painting them something nice.
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Birthday Blues...it's not my birthday, at least not until 14 more days. Anyway, my Mom texted me, stating that my Grandma wanted to know when I was coming home and I need to be available on the 21st. Okay.

Well my mom and I had a conversation about me coming home my birthday weekend just a few days back. I mentioned about coming home cause I had no real birthday plans, but she was like, "Nah, I'm sure your boyfriend will have plans for you."

So I reminded her about the convo and was like sure and asked why? Basically, my Unc-R had the idea to get everyone to come home and clean the property out in "the country", my Granddaddy's old home. She added "I forgot bout birthday." -__-

My mom was never one to make a big deal out of our birthday and I'm not complaining. She had a lot to do. Last year, I had my first birthday party for my 21st, which I planned myself. Good enough I say. BUT, I don't want to be there cleaning that day before, but I feel bad about complaining because I know it needs to be done. Just bums me out a bit that that was her (and probably my Grandma's) only reason to tell me to come home.

I've been at my beau's house the whole day today. He noticed the change in mood and I eventually opened up to him about it. The way his family celebrate birthdays is so different from mine. He also reminded me that his mom planned to cook my favorite Mexican food for me. On top of that, she may even get me a cake. Wow. I felt a bit bad cause that isn't her job, but she is willing to do that for me. So, the game plan is: Friday, go to cousin's scrimmage game, then leave for Swainsboro; Saturday, clean and then return Saturday night; Sunday, enjoy my birthday with my beau's family.

I hope my family, especially my Grandma or Unc-E don't try to guilt-trip me for leaving and spending my birthday with my beau's family. Like they had any plans to do the same...

Mourning Love

Usually when I get a call/text/tweet from B.D. I ignore and instantaneously delete it from my phone. Why? Well, after Babe, I decided to let that connection go. I felt like my eyes were finally open to all of the bulljive that B.D. was feeding me for years. And I, for one, can tell you...when you get a five star meal, you wouldn't go back to someone's scraps. Not by choice. So I chosed not to. I asked B.D. to respect me and my wish to not speak to each other.

Some may say it's a bit harsh. However, considering he has a wife, two kids, and was booted from a great career due to drugs...I think he has more important things to focus on than me. Plus, frankly, I have to keep my head above water. I will just leave that there.

Sigh. I went off on a tangent. Back to the point: I wake up to a text from him sending me "mourning love". Yeah, he spelled it just like that. He's not a complete idiot and I've known him long enough to know everything he does, has a reason. *shrug* Or maybe he just misspelled it. That's not what stopped me from deleting it. It was: "...there's some1 thinking bout you even while your sleeping". It did not put a smile on my face, like he hoped it would, but it has kept that text alive. I have yet to execute it. Now, what does that say about me?

Maybe not a whole lot. Our love will remain in "mourning". Now that I think about, that's exactly what I will consider it. Mourning Love.