blah!loverrr

Mucky

2011-05-15T02:03:00.002-04:00

Thats what feel right now. I just got off the phone with Babe. Subject of the conversation: What ifs. (Yeah, these are usually never good.)

In a post-argument discussion, I had expressed to him that I felt like if we were able to break up, that it would be out of his curiosity for someone knew (or boredom of me). Basically, this was vice-versa to his thinking. I was hesitant in telling him that because I don't like speaking things into existence. Sigh. So tonight he told me that he had thought about what I said and that although it is possible, he doesn't feel that way.

That didn't bring much comfort, especially since he kept saying "I don't know." He would say, "You know what I mean?" or "You know that, right?" I would avoid confirmation because, frankly, I've heard it all before. I'm not saying I don't trust his words, but the subject is dangerous. Thoughts like that made me do the things in my past. Out of fear, I wouldn't let anyone near me or my heart easily. It made me runaway.

I told him I rather not think about things like that because if I allow myself to dwell on it, it could mean trouble. He then tried to change the subject, but it was too late. So late. I knew a few seconds after the discussion begun this "mucky" feeling would stick.

It makes me angry to think how he could crush me after believing that something like our love is never-ending, but to learn it was a children's dream. That fear of someone having so much power scares me and makes me numb. The effect can numb all my feelings for his words, his embrace, his love out of defense for something that may never happen. But thats just it, that "may" alters "never". He could break me. So bad.

Can I Have This For Christmas?

2011-05-14T19:12:00.001-04:00

By Christmas, can I have a bod like this?
We will find out.

Mother's Day + Birthday Blues

2011-05-08T18:35:00.005-04:00

I try not to complain about things, not when I know for certain that I am blessed to have the people, opportunities, and things that I have in my life. That's what usually keeps me from expressing how I feel. That and because I feel like at the end of the day, most people don't really care, but...this is my blog and this is what is was made for.

So, Mother's Day is usually a blue day for me. Especially this year, because I feel more disconnected with the memories of my child. My son. I start to feel myself forgetting things and I don't like it. I know it is good to start to cope with loss. I don't want to forget anything, including the pain of loss because that is all I have of him. I don't know. My Bestest-F and a few other friends still send me a "Happy Mother's Day" text. That makes me smile. Feels good to be remembered.

As for my own Mom and Grandma, I plan on painting them something nice.
----

Birthday Blues...it's not my birthday, at least not until 14 more days. Anyway, my Mom texted me, stating that my Grandma wanted to know when I was coming home and I need to be available on the 21st. Okay.

Well my mom and I had a conversation about me coming home my birthday weekend just a few days back. I mentioned about coming home cause I had no real birthday plans, but she was like, "Nah, I'm sure your boyfriend will have plans for you."

So I reminded her about the convo and was like sure and asked why? Basically, my Unc-R had the idea to get everyone to come home and clean the property out in "the country", my Granddaddy's old home. She added "I forgot bout birthday." -__-

My mom was never one to make a big deal out of our birthday and I'm not complaining. She had a lot to do. Last year, I had my first birthday party for my 21st, which I planned myself. Good enough I say. BUT, I don't want to be there cleaning that day before, but I feel bad about complaining because I know it needs to be done. Just bums me out a bit that that was her (and probably my Grandma's) only reason to tell me to come home.

I've been at my beau's house the whole day today. He noticed the change in mood and I eventually opened up to him about it. The way his family celebrate birthdays is so different from mine. He also reminded me that his mom planned to cook my favorite Mexican food for me. On top of that, she may even get me a cake. Wow. I felt a bit bad cause that isn't her job, but she is willing to do that for me. So, the game plan is: Friday, go to cousin's scrimmage game, then leave for Swainsboro; Saturday, clean and then return Saturday night; Sunday, enjoy my birthday with my beau's family.

I hope my family, especially my Grandma or Unc-E don't try to guilt-trip me for leaving and spending my birthday with my beau's family. Like they had any plans to do the same...

Mourning Love

2011-05-06T14:43:00.006-04:00

Usually when I get a call/text/tweet from B.D. I ignore and instantaneously delete it from my phone. Why? Well, after Babe, I decided to let that connection go. I felt like my eyes were finally open to all of the bulljive that B.D. was feeding me for years. And I, for one, can tell you...when you get a five star meal, you wouldn't go back to someone's scraps. Not by choice. So I chosed not to. I asked B.D. to respect me and my wish to not speak to each other.

Some may say it's a bit harsh. However, considering he has a wife, two kids, and was booted from a great career due to drugs...I think he has more important things to focus on than me. Plus, frankly, I have to keep my head above water. I will just leave that there.

Sigh. I went off on a tangent. Back to the point: I wake up to a text from him sending me "mourning love". Yeah, he spelled it just like that. He's not a complete idiot and I've known him long enough to know everything he does, has a reason. *shrug* Or maybe he just misspelled it. That's not what stopped me from deleting it. It was: "...there's some1 thinking bout you even while your sleeping". It did not put a smile on my face, like he hoped it would, but it has kept that text alive. I have yet to execute it. Now, what does that say about me?

Maybe not a whole lot. Our love will remain in "mourning". Now that I think about, that's exactly what I will consider it. Mourning Love.

Saved By The... C

2011-05-06T01:37:00.004-04:00

I didn't do anything festive for Cinco de Mayo. *shrug* I'm broke. However, today (now yesterday) was great! I got grades back. I was super worried about only one class in particular: Feature Writing. I don't know. This class was just horrid. Sigh. I will not go in detail because it is of my past. I got a C. I can't explain to you how glorious that C seemed on my computer screen. Oh the joy!

As other celebrated or ehh'd their grades, I had a slight twinge of regret, wishing I did better. I got over it. I'm thankful. Now, one more semester to go. One. Then it is the real world. What the heck am I going to do?

Florida trip with Babe has been canceled. I could tell by the slow softness of his announcement of the "bad news" that he was expecting one of my attitudes, but I just shrugged it off. I would like to go, but its becoming a hassle. He was willing to pay for most of the trip just to give me a get-a-way. Sometimes the thought does count. I do feel bad because I feel like he deserved the get-a-way just as much, if not more, than I. Maybe summer will surprise us. :)

Fast Foward

2011-05-06T01:24:00.003-04:00

I like how I post about school starting. Then, two posts later...school has ended.
Not sure if anyone else will read this to notice, but just in case you did, yes you, I wrote this anyway.

School is, in fact, done. I wish that I actually archived this year. A lot has happened. It would have been nice to read back over it. Sigh. *presses fast-foward*

Fall. Still stuck on having options. Had a crush here and there, Mr. N was still in the scene. Then came along Babe. Yes, I call him Babe. I was crushing. Apparently he was too, told my Sorority sister, who told me. Bam! One conversation outside a pizza place on campus, I let all my other options go. No questions asked. After countless smiles, library dates, Longhorn date, it was official. I met his family. Told my family about him. My Uncle E spazzed cause he was Mexican. I laughed. My lack of visitation was conceived as an "attitude" against my Uncle E. I shrugged. Christmas. School was suppose to start, snowed in. School started. Babe transferred. I would visit. We would argue: some big, most small. School got tough. Life got tough. I broke. Things looked up. Went to Florida. Got another scholarship. Decisions for next Fall made. Professor gave me grief. Finals. School over.

*presses play*

SMH

2010-11-28T12:53:00.001-05:00

Wow. I'm such a loser. I haven't posted since August. Where has the time gone?

School Starts...

2010-08-16T14:24:00.003-04:00

...next Monday. I'm not sure if I'm ready...emotionally. I love that this summer hasn't flown by like ones before. I feel so much has happened and although it has ended with the cutting of ties with people I was "close" to...it was still a great summer. I've met new people and learned a lot.
Its just, I feel like things will be slightly different now. Awkward. Seeing now that 2/3 of my usually crew aren't talking to me. However, I have my Sorors, a few guy friends, and co-workers to lean on. Even if things are reconciled, it won't be the same. My view has changed [theirs probably have too] and I won't let them get that close to me again. Maybe I have new people set to enter my life. Maybe its a process I have to learn.

School is now in session.

Quotation:

2010-08-14T01:39:00.002-04:00

I would wish this pain away, but then what will I have left to prove that it was ever real?

I Want to Thank...

2010-08-13T00:59:00.003-04:00

As I sit down and think about the events of this week, I realize I have some thanks [flowers] to give:

Radio - For giving me great laughs when I needed it.
Co-workers - For listening.
My Bro [Sis's boyfriend] - We have a love/hate relationship, but when it counts, we drop that game and he did that. He looked out for me and in the midst of trouble in his close family [his mom being very ill] he took the time to make sure doing okay and looking for alternative apartments.
My Big Cuz, Sis, Aunt - You helped me understand the danger I was about to face and really bring things into sight.
My Uncs - For being the "father" I never had.
Roomie 1 - For truly being understand about how I felt and feel. You make me realize that I may have been sticking close to the wrong people and overlooking the good.
Roomie 2 - For teaching me the lesson to never get too comfortable and that you never really know some people. I'm sure you feel the same about me cause you think my actions were selfish. I'm sorry if you feel that way, but I'm not sorry for what I did.
Leo - For telling me to go with my gut and talking to me, being there when I needed it.
My Mom - You know how much you mean to me. You keep me solid. Sometimes with out you and of course, God, I feel like sand being swept away by gusts of wind, but you come in the nick of time like of flash of lightening and I become a solid and beautiful as crystal.

Caution, Friends Ahead

2010-08-13T00:40:00.004-04:00

This week has been...tiring, to say the least. It began Sunday. I tell my sister about the apartment and two of my friends/old roomies were set to move into the follow Saturday. She was saying how cool it will be cause her boyfriend lives in that area. Five minutes or so later, I get a call from her boyfriend. He feels like family, so I call him bro. He asks about the apartment and when he says, "Who idea was this?" I knew there was trouble. Come to find out, it was one of the roughest spots around. He continue to tell me, we should definitely try to find somewhere else. He then instructed me to talk to my friends, so I call the one I'm closest to about and told her to pass the word.
Although we had went through the application process and put down our security deposit, I was sure we would all be aboard trying to find something better for our safety. Boy was I wrong.
Basically, as the week progressed, I talked to my family members who've leaved in this city for basically their whole lives. It was clear it was not a place for us. However, the people my friends talked to told them "it's not that bad, etc."
So it all ended up with me seeming to be the bad person. =\ It came down to a talk and they were saying it was up to me. That they wouldn't want me to stay some where I'm not comfortable. To just sleep on it and go with what I felt in the morning. So that night I prayed, woke up and I felt "no."
Now I am apparently out one of my to friends, lo and behold, it was the one I was closest too. I haven't heard from her. However, my other friend filled me in this morning about their new living arrangements, which I was happy to here. They needed a place to stay. She asked if I was okay and I was, I texted "I must say, to be honest, I'm just glad ya'll arent living in that area." To my surprise, she agreed.
Later today, I went on twitter, and I went looking for things I didn't want to find which was my fault. The friend I thought I was closest to had subtweeted all about me. Saying it shows my true character, she thought she knew me, all the money we had paid went to waste, etc. I refuse to react to those things.
She claims, I wasn't a true friend. I feel the opposite. Safety and peace of mind comes first. My feelings are hurt, but I have no regrets except for not finding out more on the area earlier. However, I believe I needed to live this, its a lesson to learn. About myself and others close around me too. Things will never be the same.

The Other Guys + Step Up 3D

2010-08-13T00:14:00.006-04:00

Last weekend was movies-galore! Friday, I went out with Leo to see The Other Guys. I thought it was pretty funny. Honestly, I was going to see it because Leo suggested it. I thought it was going to be a dud, but I really enjoyed it. It was a great mixture of talent in the cast. Hehe. I lol'd quite a few times.
Saturday, I went out with this guy I had met sometime before. He is a very talented performer/dancer. We hadn't really hung out and he seemed pretty cool, so when he offered to hit the movies, I accepted. For the purposes of this blog, I think I shall call him, Roboto. =]
Stereo and I had a great time. The movie was awesome. I have a major new crush. His name? Chadd Smith. This guy is so gorgeous and super talented! Jinkies. *swoon*

Well Da*m

2010-08-07T15:36:00.007-04:00

After a lot of thought and talking with some of my good friends, I have come to a realization. I was wrong. I was wrong in thinking that my reasons for staying or returning back to Mr. N for so long were more noble than his. I was over here venting, talking smack while all along, I was sticking around for the same reasons I criticized him for.
It started to hit me when someone asked, "Do you think you really loved him, since you could let him go so easily?" I quickly thought and said, "You know what, I don't think I did." I know what that kind of break up feels like. It is horrible! Your thoughts, feelings, everything feels torn. Its like when that person left, they took half of you.

I didn't feel that.

Then when I think about the reasons I miss him, guess what number one is: Sex. Yeah, I also miss laughing with him or looking into those brown eyes...

Same as him saying "I enjoy your company and I like looking at you."

Sooo remember that truth I was looking for? I've found it.

I owe someone an apology.

Well damn.

Sunny Side Up!

2010-08-05T01:32:00.002-04:00

Last two posts were...depressing. I know. So to end things on a good note before I head to bed, here are some positive things going on:

I move in my apartment with my two good friends and old roomies on the 14th!
Things with the newsletter were rocky, but seem to be shaping up. I just need to learn how to delegate and plan ahead.
My Mom is the best, she is always there to give me words of peace. They always come to the rescue, why did I ever doubt her? Oh her birthday is Sunday July 8!
I get to go see Step Up 3D with a friend of mine. He is sweet and I haven't seen him in a while. Will be nice to catch up. Plus a great movie!
I bought some healthy foods to keep the pounds and sickness away. The lack of Subway in my diet this week was starting to make me feel bad. I'm use to it 3-4 week.
Leo called tonight. Nice to know I'm still on his mind and we've made plans to go see The Other Guys on Friday. [I like his good timing...thats another post for another day.]
My Uncle is better, he was having heart problems, but actually made a call here today and should be released to rehab to regain his balance in a few days.
I have family and friends who love me, I'm attending college, I have a job, I can read and write, I see no battle, I have food and water and some money, a baby angel that looks after me, somewhat peace of mind, and I'm alive!

There is so much more I could list that I thank the Heavens for. I need to remember to reflect back on the big and small blessings I have. Not only does it keep me afloat, but there all many on this world who aren't so fortunate.

So give some free love today! =]

The End: Mr. N

2010-08-05T00:54:00.007-04:00

I know I sound like a broken Keyshia Cole record, but *sings* I've Chaaanged Myyy Miiind... I don't love Mr. N. no more! Nah, I don't love you no more.
Okay, let me stop frontin', Denzelin'. What happened this time? Well, after a night of drinking, Mr. N calls and comes to see me like 6am in the morn. We are talking picking at each other, I say the smart remark, "...but you love me tho." equipped with the neck roll. Then what did I see? Hesitation written all on that face of his. It got very very dark then.
To spare word count and reading time, I have separated our argument into his and my side.
Mr. N's Side:
He doesn't really love me, he just said it in return so he wouldn't be a "dickhead." He does, however, have feelings for me and likes me. He still doesn't think I have anything to talk about and he feels that all his attempts at communication are to no avail. BUT he still enjoys my company and likes looking at me. So for some odd reason he likes me because despite our lack of chemistry, unlike his other girlfriends, our sex has moved "from good to great." Also, possibly moving in with each other or a similar "circumstance" would help him "grow to love" me.

My Side:
So you lied to me. Annnd you are just here for the sex. Great.

The Truth:
They say there is your side, their side, and somewhere inbetween, lies the truth.
Do you see it?

I'm not going to act like I'm all right and I've been perfect. I'm no where near. As for the truth I do know...we are done. I told him I prefer to let him go so he can find a girl with the good sex, chemistry and convo. that he wants. He said, I was trying to rush things. We've been going at it for a year and a half and haven't went anywhere. No improvement, except for sex, obviously. We need to move on. He considers that as me "giving up" on him. I think we both deserve better, someone who is a better fit for us and our needs. This has been long overdue. He said he does not break up "on a nice note" so he vowed to never speak to me again. Hence him deleting me from facebook, and probably myspace too, but I don't even get on there anymore. *shrugs*
Gah, I feel stupid. Him telling me he loved me that night, gave me hope that things could possibly get better. Stupid girl, stupid, stupid girl. Can't blame anyone really, but myself.

But now, when I think about it, I ask myself:
Did I ever really love him? Or did I lie too?

The Awkward Turtle Tales

2010-08-05T00:23:00.009-04:00

Hm, I guess we can say the rainbows and infatuation stages have cleared. The white puffy clouds are gone. Now I'm laying under the blue sky. Still enjoying the sun though...still a pretty day.
What happened? Well...
Yesterday, Cb. and I were textin' it up as us-u-al. Then it goes a little something like this.
Cb.: Wait, I need to know how you want me...I'm confused.
Me: Wait, seriously? [Cause we play with each other all the time like we are cuddle buddies]
Cb.: lol yea
Me: I like you, but I don't feel like I know you well enough to want more than a friendship. I thought you just wanted a friendship?
Cb.: Oh okay. I was just making sure we were on the same page.
Cb.: Cause I don't want a relationship right now. lol
Me: Oh okay. Cool.
Me: So there weren't any misunderstandings at all.
Cb.: Right. Okay.
**Cue the awkward turtle who slowly walks in, flips on his back, and waddles there**

Now, I'm on a hard "fall back" mode. I do not like for my actions to seem fast or coming on too strong or be misinterpreted. Texting has come to an halt, unlike before. I refuse to bother him and when he texts, I don't know what to say really. My comfort zone has been shot. He use to call each night once he got off work and start up a text convo. once he made it home that lasted for hours. None of that. My friend says, I need to shake it off and just go on as before, but from her "Uh-oh," she knew I've enter that place of no return.

It was fun while it lasted. Didn't I know it though?! I told myself to just "enjoy these moments." Welp, they are gone...
So me and awkward turtle are going to resuming laying on our backs now. Good day.

Again & Another Again

2010-07-29T14:20:00.005-04:00

My life soundtrack includes John Legend's Again and Another Again right now. =| Yesterday, I found myself back in the arms of my past. Yeah, you may have guessed it: Mr. N. Gahh! Why is it so hard to leave him alone? We fight and separate over the smallest of things. Elementary things!

Then sooner or later, we return.

Why do I miss him? I tell you, I looked at those pretty brown eyes yesterday and...sighhh.
Did I mention I confessed my love to him in a drunken state while I was in Orlando? I didn't? Oh, yeah, well...I did. I blame it on the alcohol. I remember it all, but when the drinks are poured, I feel free to say or do whats on my mind. It could have been worse. At least he said he loved me back. *shrugs*

So, yeah...like John said, "We're doing it again."

Can you sense my excitement?

Quotation:

2010-07-29T02:41:00.000-04:00

"Scared for this to last forever & here I thought I was being clever. They say never say never, but I'll never believe there can't be better."

New! "Quotation"

2010-07-29T02:37:00.002-04:00

I think I am going to begin posting FB Stats or Tweets that really mean something to me. These will be original quotes by me. I need a place where I can easily come back to and reflect on them.

Like Life Updates 7.28

2010-07-28T12:36:00.004-04:00

Love, such a fickle thing.

Okay, love is not fickle...I am. Plus, I'm not on love at the moment, hence "Like Life." So the past few days I have been living it up. After kissing my Bestest-M once more, a goodbye kiss, if you will, I returned back to the city. Like I said before, our relationship, I feel, hasn't really changed. Yay!
So who have I been swooning over lately? The New Guy, you guess? Nooope. Also, from this moment on, we shall call him, Leo.

[New guy -> Leo]

Why the name change? Well, it was overdue annnd there is a new like interest: Cb. It stands for a delightful lil nickname that I already call him. I've known Cb. before actually. I met him sometime this past year at school. Never really gave him much thought. I thought he may be interested in me before, but he is really close to a good friend of mine, plus other small underlying things I had heard. Then said good friend of mine kind of suggested the idea. I tinkered on it.
We've been textin like rabbits since. Textin' not sextin'. I love talking with him. I feel like I am digging under the surface of my first impression of him and I've found something wonderful: a weirdo. Someone who is as weird, if not a bit more, as me. Happiness comes in the form...
We sometimes lightly brush on the idea of our attraction for each other, which is good. I don't like to be too obvious and if I feel like there is nothing new to discover or gain, I tend to get bored. So I think it is best he keeps me, and I him, on my toes.

Honestly, you guys, I'm loving how easy it is to talk to him. I can be as silly or random as I want and he goes right with it. He doesn't make me feel completely odd or overly silly, like others. However, I know about infatuation stages, how they come and go, so I keep telling myself not to get too comfortable, to just enjoy these moments for what they are...moments. No one knows how long they'll last, but I'm hoping...

Inception Review:

2010-07-28T12:23:00.004-04:00

Goooo see it!

Okay, okay. I won't hype it up too much, cause then you will be like, "I don't see the big deal..." due to all of the positive reviews I'm sure you've been hearing. So quietly, I politely insist you go see it. Most importantly, well not most, but its high priority, see him...

Salt

2010-07-24T16:07:00.003-04:00

Last night me and the Bestest-M went to see Salt. I think it was a pretty good movie. Especially if it kept me awake. I had just got back from Florida yesterday and we went to the 12:05 show. The plot was interesting...not too predictable. Not good enough for me to sit and watch again. All in all, I would recommend it, but if you want to save, its a movie you can wait to see on DVD release.
As for tonight, we are going to see Inception. =] I'm excite!

While I Was Away

2010-07-24T16:05:00.000-04:00

Whoa skipped a few days there. Thought I was giving up the blogging fight again?
Haha. No, I was in Florida at a family reunion for about a week. Reunited and it feels so goood.
What have I been doing? Well...

I got to see my cousin [one of my fav. cousins, shhh] who I had not seen in 7-8 years! Way too long, right? It was so nice to see him. =]
I went to the pool at least every other day for hours.
Got a nice tan, thanks to my pool activities and my cousin's bronzer.
I've been jet skiing. Fell off 4-5 times, which I still say was my cousin's fault. Haha.
Washed my hair everyday, which I've learned to make a 30 min process instead of 1-2 hour(s). Now I'm moisturizing.
Been away from the computer and fully entertained. Crazy right?
Danced with and almost kissed a girl and I liked it.
Drank my first 4loko. Caution!
Felt relaxed. It's been a while.

I need to do these things more often. Well, some of these things...

Good or Bad Friend Moment

2010-07-24T15:58:00.000-04:00

So, if you kiss your best guy friend...is it a good or bad friend moment?
I don't know, but thats what happened. It was nice too. Not some thing I plan to do often. What I love most is that there was no awkward moment. Everything is still the same. As if it never happened. =]
Since we've made an agreement to marry each other at 27, if we aren't taken already, I think its good to know we won't have any awkward intimacy issues.

Random: Heartbeat

2010-07-17T05:07:00.004-04:00

If I could choose the rhythm of my heartbeat, it would be the drum sequence from Justin Timberlake's "Lovestoned". You know, the second half of the song where it is slowed down a bit. I love turning it up in my car and just breathing that part of the song in. Deep. I turn it up loud enough so the bass travels through my seat and echos inside me.

If you could choose, what would be your beat?

One Step Ahead

2010-07-17T04:40:00.005-04:00

Today, my bestest friend came to my town for her birthday. So when I met up with them after they ate, I was looking for a place for us to go. I called the New Guy,
Please note, I just had a great time with him the night before. I loved how he took me to places I had never been before. Last night he took me to this diner/bar/karaoke place. Comfort level was awesome for it to be so soon. I reckon thats where I went wrong: Don't ever get too comfortable.
Back to tonight, I called the New Guy asked him for suggestion as to where to go. He said he didn't go out much. Understandable. I then said, "Yeah, I would have invited you to come out, but I was sure you were tired." *shrugs* We had a late night. He replies, "Yeah, I'm tired." Understandable.
After getting off the phone, I decided to take the group of us to the place he took me to last night. We had a blast! Danced and laughing. Just cutting rugs. Getting late, we walk out...take a few steps. Lo and behold, guess who car I see! -_-
Granted, we are not committed, so he can go as he pleases. But dude, telling me you're tired and you cutting it early, only to later be seen out. Sorry, it don't give me a good vibe. It may have been completely harmless, a last minute plan. But my eyebrow and suspicion has been raised.
Glad things panned out as they did, cause I needed that smack in the face. Its just a game out there; I almost forgot:

Always stay one step head.

The New Guy

2010-07-15T01:30:00.004-04:00

I meant to write up about the "New Guy" and our date Tuesday night. [I will refer to him as NG until I come up with a more fitting nickname.] It was nice! I really enjoyed myself! We met at the chill Mexican restaurant. I really thought I would be the one doing all the talking, which would have been a drag. I was quite surprised with the wonderful conversation he had to offer.

We even talked past closing! He asked the waitress if we had to leave, she winked at us and said we were fine. Ha! Like something off a movie. We finally decided to exit, I still didn't want the night to end. I thought to suggest continuing our conversation in one of our cars, but I didn't want to push it. Luckily, he soon offered the idea and I happily obliged. =]

We talked for about two more hours about all sorts of things: movies, funny moments, God...just life, etc. It ranged from everywhere and everything. I loved it. *swoon* Haha. It was cool.

Today, I decided to step out on a limb a bit. I'm going to Florida Sunday, so I texted:

"Hey, I want to see you before I go out of town this weekend. Can you make it happen?" I mean, he insisted that I hit him up whenever I wanted to see him. Haha. He replies, "Hummm... Maybe lol ya know I can." Yeah, I liked that. Haha.

*sings* Can I have it like that? You got it like that.

I Admit It:

2010-07-15T01:16:00.007-04:00

I shouldn't have cut my hair. I'm impatient and I miss it dearly. Fortunately, its growing back, slowly but surely.
I probably should have called the new guy tonight expecting much more from that conversation. Why did I go and do that?
I should have thought about entering Cali's life much more intensively. When the feeling quickly fled again, just as quickly as it came, I let his heart down again.
I should have been cut all strings with Mr. N.
I needed to see how The Baller really plays. It made me realize it wasn't my type of ball game.
The words N.B. speaks of love may or may not be true, but clearly, my "I love you too" were empty.
I apply unnecessary worry upon myself and I pay for it, every time.
Prince may be right, I may be just like his mother "she's never satisfied."
I don't feel quite as pretty as before. Not anymore.
I'm paranoid.
I should pray more often. God knows.

I think I may do a list like this every now and again. I think its good for the soul.

Promise?

2010-07-13T17:17:00.003-04:00

"Promises are meant to be broken. So I wont do that to you."

Thats what he sent, after I asked for his assurance that he wouldn't make me feel like a bother. This is the guy from the BBQ. He insisted that hit him up if I wanted to see him. A role I don't normal take on.
For him to send this speaks volumes to me. I'm pretty big on promises. I was kind of testing him on it when I requested it. Time after time, I've seen guys make promises that they soon would break. I guess this should be expected since they say daughters usually date men like their dads.
Don't get me wrong. My Dad had lovely intentions, but intentions without action gets you know where. I love him despite "it all", which holds much more meaning than the 5 letters could ever let on.
Back to the previous "he": After assuring me his "word", being he was a man of his. I guess we'll see how much merit that holds. He actually end up texting me during my lunch break today. He actually wanted to see me and made it known. And I thought he would be a shy guy. We may end up meeting tonight, which would be nice. I need a pick-me-up, stat! Plus, he needs a nickname.
I bet he never would have thought that that one text would carry so much weight. Thats the thing, words can have so much more power and meaning to another individual. Gives weight to the saying "Lingering on your every word."

"If You're Troubled...

2010-07-13T17:00:00.002-04:00

...you just got to let it go." - Troubles, Alicia Keys
I feel like I got so much going on. I'm trying, I really am, just to stay on top of it all. To not let all the responsibility and worry crush me. I despise feeling this way. I know it is not best to complain. God doesn't put more on us than we can bear. Plus, I know my troubles are far less than a lot of other people in the world. With opportunity come responsibility, I get that.
I'm just worried that I'm going to drop the ball and let myself, or worse, someone else down. I'm trying though...I'm trying.

My Grandma and Mom always told me, "Just do your best, thats all you can do."

SN: "Responsibility" is giving me such a hard time, it was the only word I repetitively misspelled in this post.

Confirmation

2010-07-12T11:58:00.003-04:00

I don't know about you, but it feels nice to get a feeling of confirmation that what you are doing is right. Especially when you weren't really looking for it.
See, I had been a bit on the fence about breaking it all off with Mr. N. I was missing the moments. I even texted his "Bro" Saturday to privately check on how he was doing. Instead of answering my question, his "Bro" sent me a party invite with directions. Before, I would had dressed to kill the competition and get my guy back. Not this time.
Plus, I had made plans to spend the night with my LS's. I can't even express to you guys how much I really enjoyed spending time with them. It was a sleepover that was long over-due. Her parents and family are so welcoming. They are Indian and I love learning more about their culture. My other two LS's came as well. One brought her little boy, which we all adore.
The next day, Sunday, we headed to a BBQ. May I add, I had a mocha frappe in tow? It was really chill. Despite a few jerks and mosquito bites, I had a great time. Good food, people, and laughter. I even met someone new. [nickname may be coming soon]
Now, if I had went the other route, I'm almost certain I would feel really low right now. I'm not cut out for "the fast life" of liquor, parties, and "triple kisses ftw" that he is accustomed. Nah, dawg, you can haaave that. =]

Yes, I'm sure. I no longer need that blues song. Nah, no need to ask again.

Scene It!

2010-07-10T20:24:00.005-04:00

This weekend, I hit up the good ol' Redbox for some movie rentals. I was pleased with my selection.
Youth in Revolt: This movie was...different. A good different. =] For some reason I saw similarities in the main character Nick Twisp and Mr. N. He was kind of the reason I got it, I remember him asking if I saw it. It is definitely a movie I wouldn't go see with my mom. Awkwaaard. N.B. thought that it started kind of slow, but I enjoyed it from the beginning. Get up a gang of friends, maybe wine cooler, popcorn and sodas and have a good old time. Its a special treat for all of us with our very own alter egos. =D
Remember Me: The idea to get this movie came from N.B. I liked this movie as well. I was worried cause Rob Pattinson was in it. You know how it can be when you are use to an actor playing on character and it seems like any movie outside of that realm doesn't seem right. Well, no problem here. It reminded me of Seven Pounds, one of those real bittersweet movies. Emphasis on the bitter. I don't usually cry on movies, but the end was gripping...I teared up, no drops, but you know. Haha.

I Recommend It!

2010-07-09T06:08:00.004-04:00

Just wanted to share with you all a new-found guilty pleasure. N.B. went and bought me one before tonight's activities. I got the mocha frappe. It was soooo good. I plan to get me another soon and very soon. =]

The Smash & Dash [PG-13]

2010-07-09T05:26:00.007-04:00

Ask my closest friends and they'll tell you. Usually, and I mean 97% of the time, in relationships, I can be such a guy. The roles seem to naturally switch. I'm not much for mushy moments most of the time. I can sit around playing video games all day. I usually find the guy to be more sensitive than I am. Just things here and there that I have picked up from past lovers and lusters. Methods that once hurt me, I now use in my defense.

One of the most stereotypical guy like habits I have obtain deals with sex. Tonight for instance: N.B. and I never had sex before and I liked it that way. When it comes to relationships, I think of guys as coloring pages that I'm coloring in with markers. Once I go outside the line with the guy, or make a big mistake with him, I feel like the page or relationship is ruined. So far gone, past the point of repair. Things tend to go all downhill from there.

Back to N.B. we never had sex, we were so comfortable with each other, and his apartment could be easily named one of my favorite places. Until tonight... Yes, I colored outside the lines.
The topic of sex came up. We always have been on separate ends of the issue. He thought sex wouldn't harm our relationship, he even suggest it would improve it. I, on the other hand, couldn't disagree more. My argument was that I feared his feelings would change afterwards. He even stated that us never having sex, was one of the things that separated me from other girls. However, he of course, disagreed.

I told him, if were to have sex "I'm leaving." He couldn't understand why I wouldn't stay afterwards. "You're like a dude!" is what he said. "You finally get it," I replied. He went on to plead with me to stay afterwards. I wasn't having it. I could tell he was conflicted: he wanted to have sex, but didn't want me to leave, for good. My rules was I wouldn't have sex with him unless we got married. Ha! I was tired of debating and hey, a bit interested, so after so much discussion, I nonchalantly said, "Lets go." [My tendency to be so nonchalant is another trait of mine, guys tend to not understand.]

We did it. Eh. Like I said, I quickly got dressed. As I was waiting for him to walk me to my car, I turned to give the apartment one good look-over. Silently, I said my final goodbye to my now former-favorite place.

Now as I think about it. Maybe my only fear wasn't the possibility that sex would change his feelings. Deep down, I think I probably knew it would change how I feel about him to. Sadly, the moment the act was engaged, we hit the point of no return. Now, I feel no longer interested and done. "Leave before you get left." Those words I tried to explain to him are just ringing in my head. Sigh, he was starting to become such a beautiful colored picture too...

On a positive note, at least I found out about his sexing before a marriage had commenced. Whew.

Oh! How My Mind Slips Me

2010-07-08T22:44:00.004-04:00

So earlier today, at work, I had a BOMB topic to write about. It was going to be magical and then...I forgot. Gahhh! Sadness comes in the form...
Anywho, I wanted to share my current read with you all. The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks. He is a lovely writer! Like this one, most of his books have been made into motion pictures: The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, and the second latest, Dear John [which I totally hated! It was so unlike the book. It gave it no justice, but thats another post for another day.]
I'm a little over halfway done. I only allow myself to read it while a work so I don't speed through it in one all-nighter. Another rule: I must completely read the book before I see the movie. Otherwise, if I see the movie, I will never finish the book. Needless to say, I doubt I will ever attempt to read A Walk to Remember or The Notebook. Seen it! As for seeing this movie, I don't know. After seeing the monstrosity, Dear John, and the 1 3/4 star rating of the movie The Last Song, I may just pass.
I leave you with a quote from this book that I came across today. Something to tinker about. It really hit me the moment my eyes graced the words...

"...you have to love something before you can hate it."

Where Have The Bloggers Gone?

2010-07-08T04:21:00.005-04:00

Okay. Not like I would ever or plan to get "baked." If that is something you enjoy doing, more power to you. It's your thing, do what you wanna do. * does jig*
The point is...I don't have the "blogger buddies" to share my giddy news to anymore. =[ Yes, some of you are still here, thankfully, or I would have probably stopped posting, again. So I appreciate you.
Where is everyone? Is there a new wave of bloggers who have replaced those of the past? Is my blogroll outdated? Who am I missing out on?

Basically...is anyone out there?

Commitment? Who Me?!

2010-07-08T03:38:00.003-04:00

"I am not quick to commit."
I wasn't really then and definitely aren't now. My friend and I were having a discussion. She said, "You know, Amber, I know you say you don't want a commitment, but I don't think you are ready for a commitment." Thats when it sort of hit me. Before, I have even said that I didn't want to be in a relationship right now, but having someone else say it kind of cemented it.
She went on to say that its just I haven't found the "one" who deserves my commitment.
I seriously spent so much time last year looking and searching. I finally resigned to just embracing the single life. Listening to what my mom had been telling me since high school. "Just enjoy [guys'] company" and "just be friends." I made me a system where I would outsource for what I needed. I subconsciously pin-point a guy for each various quality or piece of affection I desired. Now the thought of being chained to one guy sounds a bit...crazy.
Don't get me wrong, if I were to actually find a guy who embodied all the qualities that all the other guys are giving, I would be head over heels. But...have you seen him? Pshh, if so, send him over. Until then, I guess I will find myself torn between two, three, or four...
No half-stepping either. If he ain't bringing the bread and butter [bread doesn't mean big bucks, thought it would be nice], I will dine somewhere else. It sounds bad, but I'm just being honest. *shrugs*
N.B. says I'm so Bella-ish. I don't see the similarity other than the fact of her kind of juggling two guys. I'm sure that's not what he means. Haha.
Note that I chose a photo of her with wolfboy. Team Jacob!

7/7 = Happy Day!

2010-07-08T02:46:00.007-04:00

...and I was sooo right. Thank the Heavens. =]

Some background things, my favorite number is 7...my line number is 7. So the moment I realized the date, I claimed today as great.
Let's talk about today's greatness, shall we?

First, I slept in as long as my hear desired. It was my day off. The monster of a headache I had last night was gone. No aleve. =]
Second, I was getting so many positive vibes from others. After a much needed charge, I cut on my phone and noticed my inbox was full. Cleared the old messages away and what arrived? A warming "I Love You" from N.B. [Yeah, he is still around.]
Third, I got to talk to my little bro today. He is my heart.
Fourth, I got a few things cleared and set to go for the newsletter I'm an editor for.
Fifth, I found out I was awarded first place for a scholarship I applied for! =D
Sixth, I found out my Uncle was doing better. He was put in the hospital.
Seventh, I ended the day tripping out and eating with my younger cousins. We joked and talked about yesteryears.

Like Ice Cube would say "Today was a good day." I believe it all stemmed from me claiming the positivity of the day. I remember being told in church once that when you pray, you should claim the things the want/need as yours. If you wish for better times, claim it as if you have it already. I thank the Heavens for all of the blessings today. Even if I may encounter some clouds tomorrow, I know I must claim the sunshine that is soon to come.

Updates!

2010-07-07T04:19:00.006-04:00

There are a few loose ends I just want to cover. I would go crazy trying to fill you all in on everything. I love ya'll, but I don't have that much time nor patience. Haha.

Let's begin with the interview. Well that and much of my absence was connected to me becoming a member of Theta Nu Xi Multicultural Sorority, Inc. It was a struggle, but I did it. =] It's one of those things that you're glad you did, but would probably never do again. Haha.
I was asked if I felt any different...nope. I mean, I feel like I have a little more pride, confidence, and support. However, I don't think anyone should let greek letters change them for the worse. Thats a whole other post for another day.

Love Life? Ha! What is that again?
Jinkies, well. Mr. N and I have closed our chapter. We kind of ended on bad terms, all communication is cut. I dislike it, cause I'm use to befriending my ex's right away. However, I don't think us communicating would be wise for me either. I need this time from him, to get all the way over him. Reach the point where he doesn't have the power to make me angry, sad, or worthless so easily. No one should have that much power over me.

Summer? Well...unlike the summers before, I'm not failing at job searching. I just decided to continue to work at the job I have during the school year. No need worrying needlessly. I believe my friends and I have found an apartment. I'm an editor for a newsletter. I sway under the fear of letting people down, but I'm holding it all up somehow.

Happiness? Well, I just pop a few prayer-pills when I'm feeling low. I'm learning to rely my on my Faith instead of the arms of a man. They never seem strong enough to carry me.

New Layout! + Drake

2010-07-07T03:53:00.008-04:00

I'm very excited to finally accomplish a new look for this blog. As you can see, I have brighten things up with the delicious Travie.

Hey, its summer. It was long overdue.

Thanks to this guy. I've been listening to his "So Far Gone" mixtape and his new album "Thank Me Later" while I've been working on this blog. He has definitely kept me company. I got a few favorites off his new album: "Cece's Interlude", "Shut It Down", "Unforgettable", "Fancy" [the second half, when he slows it down].

I was expecting this album to disappoint me from reviews I've received, but its all good.
You have any favorites off his new album? Do you even like it?

Summer.Renewal

2010-07-06T22:21:00.003-04:00

So, I was wondering what I should do about this blog. I thought about starting off clean and just begin from today. Then I thought, what is the fun in that. I enjoy reading my past posts. Plus, it help new followers kind of get an idea of how future events are results of my past, despite the time lapses in-between.
Since it is summer, I decided I should at least do a re-vamp on the look of my blog. I will try to stay committed. Yeah, I know, I've said it before. Oh well...

To all my followers, if you're still reading...thanks. =]

24.365

2010-01-24T19:48:00.004-05:00

Feeling full. Just got back from the Japanese restaurant with Jarvis. It was nice. He is soooo tall, 6’4-6’7 I think he said. Geez. He deserves a big　”アリガトー　ゴザイマス” = Thank you
Also, I’m noticing I’m not able to eat as much as I use to…hm, good sign.

23.365

2010-01-23T22:46:00.002-05:00

This guy is awesome. He is so kind. At least twice I asked, “Why are you so nice to me?” He even surprised me by buying Uptown Girls for me, after I talked about how I losted my copy and couldn’t find another. =]
This was taken while we were at Applebee’s today…good times. =]

22.365

2010-01-22T21:44:00.000-05:00

He came over today, I missed him.
Picture me stealing his sweethearts candy. =]

21.365

2010-01-21T23:43:00.002-05:00

Yep, I cut it. I’ve been talking/thinking about doing it for a while.
As of yet, no regrets. =]

20.365

2010-01-20T20:41:00.000-05:00

Walking from class and for some reason this caught my eye.
It’s an old electricity box in downtown Atlanta.

19.365

2010-01-19T10:38:00.001-05:00

“Yes!”
Just got done with a interview…good things may be in store.

18.365

2010-01-18T21:37:00.000-05:00

Left home to go back for school. Womp.

17.365

2010-01-17T11:36:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, when I sit back and think about love and relationships, I feel numb. Numb to the wanting of it. I find it to be useful now-a-days, since I’m keeping my options open. My mom says this is a good thing, I concur. However, I do fear the possibility of being paralyzed from love forever.

16.365

2010-01-16T22:33:00.000-05:00

The Little Princess

My little cousin was in her first pageant today. She won! I’m so proud of her. I just hope she knew how beautiful she is inside and out before she got the crown.

14-15.365

2010-01-15T14:32:00.000-05:00

Pictures of school, work, and workouts. Just use your imagination.

13.365

2010-01-13T03:08:00.000-05:00

Prelude to a Kiss
Just when I start to feel numb to the things of young love. He always finds a way to tug his string connected to my heart…even after I thought I snipped it.

12.365

2010-01-12T23:07:00.000-05:00

No picture again. Just imagine me working out the first time in months. Yeah, I’m about to get swole. Hehe. =]

11.365

2010-01-11T11:59:00.000-05:00

First day back to work and classes, and also the longest day of my week, went smoothly. Can’t really complain. Now, I’m sitting back with a bag of seeds. Good day.

10.365

2010-01-10T00:02:00.000-05:00

A photo today would of been highly inappropriate.

9.365

2010-01-09T23:43:00.000-05:00

Before I headed back to school, I went outside my Grandma’s house to go to car. I just stood there and looked at the backyard I grew up and played in. “It seemed so big back then,” I thought. Thats one of the things I like and dislike about life. As you get old, your view on everything changes. Some for the better and others, sigh…

8.365

2010-01-08T23:41:00.001-05:00

People let me tell you about my best frienddd…

This is Colt. He has been there for me since 8th grade. I could always depend on him. We are kind of the opposite of each other, which is great! I love him. Anywho, this was taken at Applebee’s after we watch Avatar. Avatar was that greatness!
Ooo, I may be getting a pet turtle form Colt soon. Wouldn’t that be grand?

7.365

2010-01-07T23:16:00.000-05:00

The only pic I took today was of myself. No biggie there. So today, I'm going to try to paint a picture in your mind.
Imagine that you are in a slight crowded area. You are minding your own business then someone catches your eye. You watch them long enough to see them go to the other side of the room. You notice they glance your way and you quickly look down. You look back up to see if they are still looking and to your pleasant surprise, they are. They smile and you smile back. However, you can't find the legs to walk or the words to talk to them. They stroll out of the door of opportunity. You blew it.

I'm a shy person, always have been. Once I warm up to a person, then things are cool. I just like to observe and feel people out until I'm comfortable, but what if I don't have the time. What if I only have a few minutes or second to make a move or lose the chance forever?
I always thought, if the person and I are meant to meet, well...it would happen. However, I'm starting to think, maybe I missed out on some great people, place, or things. I mean, sometimes God places things out for you and the only way to get it is if you go for it. I don't know how successful I will be at making a change to this, but I think soon I will be set in some tests.

I got to learn how to walk and talk again.

6.365

2010-01-06T23:12:00.000-05:00

I’ve been in the house since Monday night. These have become my best friends. =\

5.365

2010-01-05T23:16:00.000-05:00

Get On My Level
These two make me feel light. =] I hope to spend more time with these two this year. I've missed out on so much already.

Huddle.House

2010-01-05T07:19:00.006-05:00

Meet my bestest friend Star. This is the Best Friends bracelet set she bought us for Christmas. We separated them and put them on tonight. This is one of the most precious gifts I've ever received. I don't want to take it off.
I really don't like how college seems to make the phone call between us scarce. Tonight I had sooo much to catch her up on. Still, we always trip out like we're still in high school, tighter than ever. True friends are a rare thing to come by, so I thank God for her.
After this picture, we picked my lil bro up. We couldn't decide who should get what half of the heart. Haha. We all ended up at Huddle House eating and laughing it up. I really enjoyed it. I wasn't raised with my lil bro and thats something I miss. I always enjoy time with him. Thats my heart.
Now, I'm awake with a runny nose. Ugh. I hope to get NyQuil tomorrow, a much need eyebrow arch, and possibly visit my male-BF tomorrow. Should be fun, that is, if I don't sleep the day away.

4.365

2010-01-04T22:15:00.000-05:00

Hope. This was in my kitchen. My mom actually cooked dinner for Grandma and me. I have my camera on triple-snap and it caught this. Just earlier, Grandma was talking about how she miss my grandaddy. Its almost like she is smiling towards him.

Home.Sweet.Home

2010-01-03T23:12:00.002-05:00

There's no place like home. So why do I feel like a visitor here? I just made it here for the first time during my Christmas break. Even before I left, I had a off feeling about coming here, but I figure it was just me dreading the drive. Now that I'm here, I feel out of place.
I haven't had an altercation with my mom or Grandma. Nothing bad has happened. I just feel out of place, like a doll that has been replaced on the wrong shelf. Am I at the right dollhouse?

3.365

2010-01-03T23:07:00.002-05:00

Fellowship Sunday:
Just got back from going with my mom to her old church here in Atlanta. I haven’t been to church in so long. It was long overdue and I’m glad I did. Elder Franklin, the pastor, said my mom’s appearance made his day and the smile upon her face was priceless. I really intend to go back. Felt good.

In the picture we just got finished fellowshiping some leftover Applebee’s. Haha.

2.365

2010-01-02T23:00:00.000-05:00

Attack of the Snuggie! Meet Ms. Daisy. She is an old friend of my mom. It’s my first time seeing her since I was a few months old. Already she has adopted me. She has a big heart. One thing she said is, “Most of your blessings come from strangers.”

I have a feeling my year will be centered around that theme. Foreshadowing much?

New.Year.New.View

2010-01-02T01:41:00.003-05:00

After a night of drinking, dancing, and misunderstandings that almost destroyed the newly re-found friendship we had, Mr. N really came through for me.
Since middle school I've had a major fear of throwing up. I use to scare myself sick sometimes fearing what I had for dinner may have been "too old" "too greasy" etc. I would worry so much until my nerves were rattled, stomach clenched, teeth chattered, and I would be a mess. Crazy how mind is over matter.
I had an episode today, the first in years, but Mr. N helped me through it. Something I would have never thought he would have done. He saved me from my own thoughts. He will never know how much I appreciate that. Because a girl rarely finds a hero to save her in a battle with her mind.
It really taught me a lesson in not underestimating people [and overestimating.] Be careful what bridges you may burn, you may need to cross them again one day.

365.Project

2010-01-02T01:19:00.002-05:00

I have heard of the Pic-a-Day or 365 project before. However, today I was reminded of it and I think I am going to attempt it. I was thinking about creating a tumblr for this, but I feel this blog is in need of attention. I may make additional posts other than my picture for the day every now and again. I hope you all will enjoy this. Wish me luck. Also, if you are doing your own 365 project, let me know so I can tune in.

Happy New Year!

1.365

2010-01-01T23:30:00.000-05:00

First Pic of the New Year and for my 365-project. Mr. N and my huge arm. Haha. Is this forshadowing of more of him this year? Eh, who knows.
I must say, I enjoyed spending most of the new year with him. After you let the dust settle, you start to see things you haven't before. I feel like I have a better bond with him now than when we were in a relationship. I like where we are now, so I'm in no rush to change it.
As for my huge arm, today I started my spring break boot-camp. Hopefully that will change.

Looking.Back

2009-12-02T00:46:00.008-05:00

I was just going through the my archives. It amazes me how different or set apart I feel from the person I was just a few months ago. Most things are the same, but it's funny...some things aren't.

All that energy I spent in those guys: [The Baller, Mr. N, B.D., etc.] was it really worth it? It was a lesson to be learned and that is the best I can come up with.

Now, I'm at a place where I'm trying to become content with being single and well, alone. I tell you, sometimes I have to go as far as deleting numbers so I won't fold in and call someone. Someone who I want to bring warmth and company... I do this because, most cases, they only bring cold shoulders and regret.

There are some new faces to the battlefield, which I shall introduce later. None which have reached a new record and I'm not allowing shortcuts. The advice my older cousin gave me this weekend has been ringing in my ears. He said, "You're a beautiful girl and thats a gift and a curse. Dudes will try to make you settle...

...Don't settle."

Sorry for 2009

2009-11-30T14:27:00.006-05:00

This is myyyyy sorry foooorrrrr 2009... *record scratch*

Well, at least for the second half of the year. I have been slackinnnng. Yeah, I know. I have good intentions to stay committed to this blog, but school and all the other factors of my life have become a massive task. I'm sure you all live busy lives and find time to post. So clearly, I have no excuse. Eh, I've been neglecting my tumblr as well.

I decided to try this whole "Do better" act again. Since the admins at my job have block all my usual distractions, I'm going to use that time to study (yeah, right), read, and post here. Sounds good?

Great!

Boo.Season

2009-10-13T20:46:00.003-04:00

Yeah, its getting cold. My friends and I were just talking about how its about time to get boo'd up for winter. Girls shivering, dudes choosing...vice versa, la-di-da-di. We were just joking around, but actually now that I think about it...its kind of true. Ever had that dude(s), whom during the summer was so sometime-y (or summertime) and now here they come out of the blue, trying to get things right. I'm sure some girls seem to work on the same schedule.

Yet, this is around the time I'm so tired of the games played. I seem to throw the towel in and get comfortable with the single status, then BOOM! Here comes dude, seeming to know all the right things to say, do the things to make me think, "Well just maybe..."

Well, I'm not trying to be just someone's hand-warmers. I will admit, I've allowed myself to be swayed for the sake of not being alone. I think that is just what I need thought. Enjoy my autumn to myself and figure out what I really want, so when it comes around, I won't miss it.

Whats.Going.On

2009-09-16T14:27:00.002-04:00

As you can imagine, a lot has occurred since my last post. To keep myself from ramblin', I will limit myself bullet points and spare you the details, unless...you want the details. ;]

Mr. N and I broke up, for good. Don't be sad, its a good thing. A beautiful thing. It seriously got to the point where I didn't like being around him when he was sober. True story. I seriously think we are both happy apart. Maybe after some time, we can be cool again. Not together, cool. I kind of wish we never took it up a level and left good enough alone.
As for my current love life, have my friends tell it and they say I have a boo for each 'need.' I say we all are just friends, thats my story and I'm sticking to it.
I moved in an apartment with one of my previous roommates. It's going great, no problemos so far, Thank the Heavens!
School has begun, it was smooth sailing, but it kind of kicked in this week. Sometimes sadness comes in the form of a Japanese quiz. =[
Work is going great, I work in the mailroom now. I have new-found respect for postal workers.

So yeah, I think that clears it right up. Sigh, there is so much I want to tell you guys, but I don't want to over-bear you. Hm, so what has been going on in your lives? How was your summer? How is school going? Are you happy, sad, angry, hungry...? What? Haha.

Long.Time.No.See

2009-09-16T14:08:00.002-04:00

Yeah, I have been majorly slacking on my posts here. I've become all too consumed into Tumblr. Even though Tumblr is great, I miss this place. I can't really type it all out like I can here [and expect people to read it. Let alone, give me feedback.] I missed you guys. Klash left a comment on my last post a few days ago and it made me feel good. Nothing like getting that e-mail notification letting you know someone cares. Haha.
So, I know I've said it once before that I will do better. This time, I'm not going to proclaim it. I'll let my future actions [in the form of posts] speak for me. =]

Don't think I totally forgot about you all either, I do read up on your blogs every once in while.
Later you gals/guys!

Relation.Ship

2009-07-25T00:08:00.004-04:00

Lately, I have been wondering what happened to the 'relation' that was suppose to be on our ship? I really don't see the point or purpose of our relationship. Things are not adding up. I talk to Mr. N maybe once every week or so. I'm not exaggerating. We had talked about this because this had concerned me for a while. He just told me that he thought I would understand; that is just how he is and he doesn't mean to come across as inconsiderate. He doesn't want us to grow tired of each other by hanging out all the time and that he would let me know if he didn't want to be with me anymore. Immediately after, communication between us imporved, but it has quickly sunk to an all-time low.
So what? I'm just suppose to be obligated to this so-called relationship until he grows tired of me. I really don't see what he is getting out of this. Meanwhile, I go to other guys in my life to receive all the things that he fails to supply. I shouldn't have to do that. Furthermore, if I am turning to others to bring me conversation, comfort, laughter, etc...who is he turning to? Most importantly, why am I not bothered by the idea that he maybe he is?
If these aren't red flags, I don't know what is. Why is he not bothered? Why would he want to keep me along? What is the point? Why is it hard for me to just end it? Put this relationship out of its misery cause it is suffering.

Mommy.and.Me

2009-07-24T23:52:00.003-04:00

Right now, I am currently on a weekend out with my Mom. We decided to go and get a hotel room for two nights and we have been shopping like crazy. I tired to be conservative and not make her buy too much for me. She is paying for my first month of rent when I move in my apartment at the end of this month. Yes! I got an apartment! =] However, today we came across some nice deals. I mean niceeeeeeee!
I usually shop for the winter and fall during the summer. You will discover some good finds. Especially when the school year is near, a lot of stores will be having sales to clear room for new merchandise. Like I got a peacoat for the low today! I was so hyped. The real excitement was a New York & Co. They were having at storewide 70% markdown sale. Yes. My mom and I spent around 3 hours. We checked out and before we got out the store we found more things and made a second purchase. I wish I had some photos of all my purchases. That would took some time...maybe later.
Besides all that. It feels really good to spend time with my mom. I realzed that we have really become closer over the past few years. I use to think we were sooo different. Its crazy how much you come to know as you get older.

Tennessee

2009-07-24T23:42:00.005-04:00

I know, my posts have been scarce, but that just means I'm actually out enjoying my summer. I must say this has been one of the busiest summers ever. It started out a bit slow, but it surely has picked up.
Last weekend, I went to Tennessee with my Unc-R and fam. It was the first time I stayed in a cabin. I really enjoyed myself. We got to ride horses, play pool, enjoy hot tubs, and enjoy a bit more of the out-doors. So that now I have been to 5/50 states. Woot! Haha.

Your.Destiny

2009-07-02T22:48:00.005-04:00

B.D. wrote: "Me and you was forever to be. I was fine being your destiny."

To clarify the situation: Before he went off to basic training, I thought it was best to try to leave him alone completely. Therefore, he felt like I "turned the page on him." That is why it was written in past tense. However, it seems like it still stands true. The fact that I have been diligently writing him back is evidence in itself. I'm not good at replying to people via snail mail. However, I anxiously wait to receive his replies and write him back. I have been able to tell him things that I should have said a long time ago. He has told me things, which have clarified a lot of unanswered questions.
I'm just wondering is it silly to think this way? Not the "forever" part. My focus is: to believe someone is your destiny. I must admit some part of me really believes, despite whoever should come along, I will end up with him. Weird or stupid maybe. Its true. I continue to date others, I think it would be unwise not to, you never really know who is the "one." I'm currently in a relationship with Mr. N. and its going well. However, I have yet to connect with someone on such an amazing level. I honestly believe I will love B.D. forever, which I expect, considering we'll always have a connection because of our son.
However, I wonder if feeling this way will hinder me from connecting and loving someone else at such a capacity or greater? Are we limited to only one great love? Have you ever/Do you feel the same about someone?

Much appreciation to T. Miles for his recognition.
He has a good heart, check him out.

Summer.Purchases

2009-07-02T22:29:00.007-04:00

Although I'm broke...
Even, I have managed to get a few things this summer. =]
You will find me with that purple purse, everyday. Haha. I broke the strap on those shoes the first day I wore them.

Heels and I don't get along well sometimes. =\ I plan to doctor them with a hot glue gun cause I like them so much.
I have yet to use the $3 clutch. Corrina, Corrina is a classic plus it was only $5. The book is Marked. Its a decent read so far. I love the nail polishes, even though I have only worn the Pink Promenade. I also been practicing make designs with the white. Fun. =]
These are 3 of my fav. tops I have acquired. I have yet to wear the middle one. Clearly. Haha. I have not an occasion or bottoms to pair with it. Any suggestions?

Summer.Where.Art.Thou

2009-07-02T21:51:00.008-04:00

Hello to all my followers, new and old. =]

Is it just me or does it seem like summer is speeding by? Only one month left...geez. I think its time to pull out the ol list:
Summer Goals:
1. Find an apartment for Fall semester. [Application filed, waiting for response.]
2. Find a (summer) job. [Fail.]
3. Get back to my comfortable weight. [Currently working out: 5 or 7 pounds to go]
4. Go to the beach and/or Pennsylvania. [There is still hope.]
5. Make a final school choice. [Done! I'm staying put.]

Hopefully, your list looks better than mine. =]

Anywho, I'm currently in Alabama with my older sister. I really love it. I needed a change of scenery from Atlanta, little cousins, etc. I'm kind of sad to be returning there tomorrow. I will be going home Monday, so that's something to look forward to. My Bestest-M will be coming soon from training in California. Also, B.D. will be returning from basic training. It would be nice to see him. Then there's H.S.S., I wanted to spend some time with him before he leaves to possibly play ball over seas. Seems like I have a lot of men in my life, huh?
Well, I tell you. Most of my ex's are the bestest of friends. When I need them, they are there for me and vice-versa. It's kind of refreshing to be able to talk to them because they already know my background story. You just got to make sure you don't cross the line, which is usually not a problem...

Tid.Bit.7

2009-06-16T18:37:00.003-04:00

Lately, I have been really learning a lot about having faith in God. Don't worry, I'm not about to preach or anything, I'm just saying. I was really feeling low a few weeks ago. However, things picked up, I really began to appreciate the good times. I'm a pessimist though, so the thought of "I'm sure the good times are bound to end soon" have popped up in my head. It's not very helpful. Plus, I'm starting to really see how if you look for bad things, you will find them. I need to work on that.
Just yesterday, it felt like the rain was starting to come in. Even today I'm dealing with clouds, but I think it's a test. A test to see, if I will put to use the things I have learned about having faith and thinking positively. I tell you, some bummy things have happened, but I'm going to pray and keep hope alive. I still have things to be thankful for. There are people in far more worse situations as I. If there is a problem, I must give to Him and ask for guidance. I know these things. It's time I incorporate them into my actions.

With that being said,
I hope things are going well for you all.
I have read some of your blogs and I know, from time to time,
We all encounter set-backs or whatnot.
Just keep smiling you gals/guys. =]

"Everything will be okay in the end. If its not okay, its not the end."

-Unknown

Bang.Bang

2009-06-13T04:42:00.004-04:00

I'm on a blogging frenzy, eh? Hehe. Anywho, I also was contemplating whether I should cut my bang back or not. I was going to do a poll about it, but I figured it probably wouldn't be successful. So, last night, I went for it. Here is the outcome! I'm happy. =] Also, I was looking for a glosser to use when I flat-iron my hair so it wouldn't be too dry. I found Luster's Pink Glosser. I like it! It does the job, plus this it smells soooo nice! Like perfume, actually!
In Other News...
Also, I just found out who Ryan Leslie is. I had heard his song "Addiction" before, but I didn't know who sung it. I know, I'm pretty late. He's pretty nice. I tell you I've kind of had his song "Gibberish" on repeat. Its a different approach to singing lyrics, thats for sure. Haha. Amy Winehouse, I have a new-found respect for her. I only heard bits of her rehab song, but I dug deeper and she is awesome. She has substance to her songs. I especially love this song.

Four.Page.Letter

2009-06-13T03:51:00.003-04:00

Well, not exactly. Thursday, my mom told me I had received a letter from my Bestest-M, he is in the Marines. I found this kind of strange. Although he is going through training, he is able to communicate via cell. Actually, I had talked to him just the day before. So, she said she would double check when she got home.
However, B.D. [baby daddy] had just left for basic training for the Marines this month. I had gave him my address, but we kind of ended on a bad note during our last conversation. I figured that "goodbye" would be our last. That didn't keep me from wondering if it was actually from him. I had been wondering how he was doing. I asked his twin brother, but when he texted me, he never answered my question.
When my mom called back, she told me it was in fact from B.D. I can not lie, I could of cried. Right on the spot. I was so happy. I know, I know...there are many things that need to be worked out between us. I know I've said I was done with him. Etc. Also, I do know I love him, always will. Crazy, I know, I haven't even read the letter yet. Despite all the reasons I shouldn't care, I do.
My Moms has sent it off. I'm sooo anxious for it to get here! I was thanking her repeatedly for sending it right away. She said, "Oh gosh!"
I replied, "I know, its crazy right? I shouldn't be acting like this, huh?"
She then said, "It's alright girl. He's your first love."

Yeah, he is.

Progressive

2009-06-13T03:15:00.005-04:00

For the past few days, I have been pretty happy. They have been going sooo well. Thank the heavens. So, Thursday my Homie-B and I went back to the apartment place. He is looking for a place as well. I thought to take pictures this time. =]

Living Room/Bedroom

Bedroom

The Smallest Kitchen Ever [Which I Love]

Bathroom

Closet, yeah you can fit a desk in there!

There it is. I need to let one of my Unc's check it out before I sign anything, but they don't know I'm planning on staying alone. =\ Actually, the only ones who know are my Moms and my big sis. I know if I tell my Unc's, they will leak it to my Grandma and that will be mess-y! She don't like the idea of an apartment at all, if she found out I will be living alone, she would spaz. Sigh, man. I don't want her worrying, ya know.
Anywho, it feels great to get things done. Oh! The interview Wednesday went better than I thought it would. I freakin' hate interviews. Everyone says, "Just be yourself." I get that, its just when they ask questions, my ability to word my thoughts correctly seem to cease. Haha...hm. =| All I can do is just pray about it now tho.

How is your summer going?
Did any of you gals/guys who had goals planned reach any?
Whats going on?
[feel like I haven't talked to you in ages, haha.]

Tid.Bit.6

2009-06-10T04:05:00.005-04:00

Meet Robin, my guitar, I miss him. =\
Sorry. I have been slack on bloggin' on here lately. I apologize, to followers new and old. Lately, I've been dealing with a few setbacks and trying to get things set for Fall. As I mentioned before, I got goals to reach this summer.
Yesterday, I went to check out the studio apartment. You guys, I think I am in love. =] Haha. I really believe this is where I wanna be. I should of taken pictures. Yeah, so the smallest room is the kitchen. I mean, its one of those small kitchens you only see in the movies. I think that is why I love it! Its just right for me. I don't cook...all I need is a microwave and boom! I'm ready. =]
As for the rest of the apartment: the bedroom and the livingroom is combined into one. Oddly, I don't mind. Nice sized walk in closet! I mean, I love it! I plan on get my application in this week and have that squared away.
Tomorrow, well this morning I have a interview for a job. [Pray for me!] I know, I should be sleep, but these butterflies are reckless. I'm hoping for the best. My Homie-S really helped me out with this one. I wouldn't have this interview if it wasnt for him. He is awesome. It is good to have friends ya'll.
I'm so happy things are starting to look up for me. Thank God, you know. I've been feeling like the "black sheep." [long story] Now, I feel like I'm really on track again. =]

Hope you're on a good path too.

P.S. I'm on tumblr. Check it out when you got nothing to do. =]

Love.Limitations

2009-06-05T15:06:00.004-04:00

How can you put a limit on how soon is too soon to love someone?
I know many times I have questioned myself, "Is it too soon?" Feeling unsure, every time the word is about to slip from my tongue, I surrender and replace it with "like." However, "like" isn't the word I'm feeling; its something a little bit more than that...

...but is that "little bit" enough to deserve the word: Love.

Tid.Bit.5

2009-06-02T04:35:00.006-04:00

Jinkies!
I have 80 + 2 followers!
Thanks to you all. =]

This past weekend, my Moms, Grandma, and I went to Alabama to visit my sister. It was quite great. I got some niiiiiice shopping in, made some nifty finds. [You know I'm pretty cheap-cheap.] =] I would of taken pictures, but I'm too lazy. So yeah, maybe later?
Even thought I got a satisfying amount of purchases, it made me miss that paycheck I was receiving during the school year. Unemployment is not what is up. So I'm on the job hunt. Applied to a few locations today. Also, I think I find a place I will like to stay next year. Lord willin', I may be getting a loft! My dream come true. Whooo, it feels like I got a lot on my plate that I need/want to accomplish this summer...

Summer Goals:
1. Find an apartment for Fall semester.
2. Find a job.
3. Get back to my comfortable weight. [I don't even want to go there...]
4. Go to the beach and/or Pennsylvania.
5. Make a final school choice.

How about you? What are your summer goals, if any?

Do.You.Remember

2009-05-27T17:14:00.003-04:00

Do You Remember Your First Kiss?

I don't. Tis a sad thing, I guess.

On my birthday, my homie from my "rugrat" days sent me a facebook message telling me happy birthday. He is, in fact, "my homie then" and still is now. We grew up staying basically right behind each other, he was on the other side on "the block."
Anywho, he continued to say, "you also was the first girl i ever kissed LOL.......what good memories." Hm. Well, he told me this before, but by gosh, I just don't remember it! Haha. His story was confirmed by my older sister who, along with his older sister, caught us in the act. Needless to say, my sister then told on me and I supposedly got a "spanking" and my homie was prohibited to come over for a while. =| Was that really necessary? Haha.
He said it went a little like this...
He was about to run back home and before he left he said, "I want to try something I seen on a movie." I said, "Okay." Then boom. Smooches!

Yeah so, blame it on the media. Haha.

Birthday.Cakes

2009-05-23T16:50:00.009-04:00

My 20th birthday [May 22] was pretty nice, even though there was no cake. =] My Roomie-J sent me yellow roses =]. She's awesome. I slept-in for as long as I liked. Took my time getting dressed, even applied a little eye make-up. Haha. Then, I went out on a mission for my Nintendo DS Lite. Like I mentioned earlier in the blog, it was going to be a treat for me, myself, and I.
So, I tell you, I went to Wal-Mart and Target, but the real jackpot was GameStop! Oh yes, that shall be my new haven. =] Got the console [I had to settle for Silver instead of Onyx =\] there and they got games for the low-low. What really struck my fancy? I found freakin' Guilty Gear for my DS! GUILTY GEAR! Yesss! I haven't decided what I shall name my DS yet, hm...any suggestions?
After my mission was complete, I chilled with family a bit and soon headed to Mr. N's. As part of my gift, he treated me to the movies. I wasn't too confident in his movie choice at first. I was thinking along the line of the Wolverine movie, but of course, he saw it already. We ended up seeing Night at the Museum 2. I was like...urmmm... He assured it would be a good movie. Eh, he was right. He called me lame because I got a little excited when I recognized the voices of the Jonas Brothers. He's such a haterrr.On my way back to my Unc-R's house, I made a stop to Mickey D's. Shoutout to Mr. Brown and the young sir at the window who hooked me up with "fresh out the oven" chocolate chip cookies. Heck yes! Us Redbones love you too, Mr. Brown. Haha.

All-in-all, it was a pleasant birthday.
I just wanted to actually celebrate it this year and I did. =]

Release

2009-05-21T00:55:00.004-04:00

Pardon me, but this is something I must release. The best word to describe what I feel is: defeated.
I'm tired of giving and holding on to people who do not show or give me the same care, respect and attention. I guess it is only fair for me to take half of the blame because when I look back I see all the red flags I ignored. The same red flags that foreshadowed what was to come.
Soon, I grow tired of it. Legs sore from the chase and heart disappointed when I look back and see no one is chasing after me. That is when I give up and when they say, "I've changed." When they finally realize what I gave them and start to miss it, its too late. By that point, I'm too tired to try to hold on any longer. I see no point.
At then end, they give that last hug or kiss and say, "It's been fun." or "It's been amazing." I smile and/or embrace back and reply, "Yeah, it has." or "I wish you the best." I'm not sure if that is the reaction they expect or not, doesn't matter. It comes a time when even the most gullible of people realize the truth.
In conclusion, that is explains the ending between the B.D. and The Baller. Fin.

Na-na-na-na, hey, hey, hey goodbye!

Peace.Up

2009-05-21T00:32:00.002-04:00

A Town Down.
Yeah, just had to represent. I've been in Atlanta since Monday, feels like I've been going non-stop. Once I made it, I chilled with Mr. N for the remainder of the day. It felt so weird, cause usually I'm not pressed to return to my dorm at a certain hour, but since I was staying with my Unc, it was a tad different.
Tuesday, Mr. N and I went apartment hunting. It wasn't the most successful outing, but I did find one potential place. Mr. N's dad was saying his apratment complex was nice and affordable, so I may check that out later this week.
Today, I went with my big cuz. She wanted me to ride with her to pay for the bartender classes in June. Isn't that cool? Jinkies, I bet that will be fun. Anywho, before we set out we stop at subway, and when she grab her cup she got two and decided to keep the extra. Theifin'! Haha, but karma got her a**. When she went to crank her car, it did not start...all because of the cup. Haha. It was cool 5 minutes later, it crank and we were on our way.
Later, after we prepared dinner. Mr. N met my uncles and whatnot for the first time. It went smoothly...no biggie really. I was really hoping him and my little cuz would of gotten a chance to duke it out on the court. I would like to see who would of won, but all them gyms were closed. So much for that. =\
So that basically sums up the week...

Random

2009-05-17T03:56:00.006-04:00

Sometimes...

Happiness
comes in the form of Facebook messages.

I got my babe backkk. =]

Tid.Bit.4

2009-05-16T20:50:00.004-04:00

My mind is saying "Hahahahahahaha! You're such a dweeb!" So, yeah, I guess it would help if I would explain why I'm laughing at myself. Okay, so since I'm interested in a person who does not take initiative...grr, I have to usually step up to the plate first. I sooo do not like doing that. Ugh. Haha. The words were practically on the tip of my tongue. We were saying our goodbyes and I say, "Wait...um...are you...." *silence* "Um...nevermind."
"Are you sure?", says he.
"Uh, yeah.", I replied.
AHHHH! I blew it.
In my mind, I was saying: "Noooo, no what Im trying to say is are you at least a bit happy that I may be returning? Aren't you excited that we are going to look for apartments next week? Do you even miss me at all? Am I the only one?"
Sigh man, big fat SIGH. Things would be sooo much easier if he would just read the signs. Isn't it obvious?
I have the urge to call back, but as the seconds pass the possibility of me doing that decreases...

I'm such a dweeb.
Haha...hm. =\

Back.On.Track

2009-05-15T21:57:00.007-04:00

Yeah so, one week til my Birthday! [Just thought I would put that out there. Hehe.]
Today has been pretty nifty. I actually got up around like 11AM, which means I only got a few hours of sleep. Thats part of the plan though. My Bestest-F came over soon and we got ready to head out. She was treating me to Applebee's for a Late Mother's Day gift. Yeah, she is awesome like that. Haha.
It was all good. Then we stopped in a TJ Maxx, it had just opened and I was ready to conquer. Well, maybe not "conquer", cause I don't have that type of cash right not. I didn't come out empty handed. I would post of the pictures, but that would require for me to get up, place out the clothes, take pictures, upload...that just a lot right now. I'm trying my best to stay up til 10:30 so I can start to sleep at a normal hour.
I shall post up later though. Also, I got some e.l.f. foundation a while back and I tried it out today. I bought two shades, cause I couldn't decide, plus they were just a $1 each. I rarely wear foundation, but I figured its something I should have in the make-up bag, just-in-case. Plus, it was cheapo!
Oh yeah, so after talking to my Homie-P, I'm 95% sure that I am going to stay at my current college. I'm quite satisfied with that decision. Mr. N agreed to go with me apartment hunting in a week or so. So yeah.

P.S. You know, like the N.E.R.D. song... I'm starting to think maybe, just maybe the laugh's on me and life was telling me a joke...its funny right?

Not really. =\

Be.Nice

2009-05-13T22:53:00.002-04:00

I don't like being so gloomy on here. I don't. From the way I'm feeling, I'm gonna be in this condition for a while. So, I'm going to cut down and just post other things.

They say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

So, I may post random entries about this and that, but thats about it for a little while.

I think that would be best.

Just.A.Thought

2009-05-13T22:31:00.003-04:00

Maybe I'm bi-polar? Just a thought. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm not hiding the shadows of my mind as much anymore. It being summer, I don't have much of an audience to smile and perform happiness for anymore. Sometimes, putting a smile on my face can be hard. It should be simple. It would take all of me to try to block these thoughts. I think it is impossible to not think about it. This is what I feared would come. Silence and being lost in thought.

I don't mean to come across as ungrateful. I am well aware of the many blessings God as placed upon me. I feel guilty feeling down, when there is plenty of people out there in a worst condition than me. Especially, since I can't give a name to exactly what is wrong. It's been with me for a while though. I don't remember when it move in and made a home in my chest. I know its there. It's unmistakeable the times it grows heavy while I try to hold back my tears.

For so long, I seem to place myself around people who I feel need me. Mainly in relationships concerning love. Helping with their problems keep me from placing light on mine. Making sure they are fine, keeps me from checking on my own condition. Listening to them, keeps my thought from echoing. Then, there are moments, when no one is in my waiting room. No one to tend to, no one to distract me, and I'm imprisoned in my mind.

I'm stronger than this, I know I am. I know. Most of the blame should be placed on me. I've become accustomed to the darkness. I will admit. I keep it inside. I don't want it to affect others. I don't want run anyone away. Plus, I wouldn't appreciate the sunshine without darkness, right?

It's just one of my dark seasons. Thats all. I'll make it. I just got to wait it out. Wait for the sun again. Just like before...

Insomnia.Much?

2009-05-13T05:04:00.005-04:00

This is becoming a concern. This is the second night in a row that I have not been able to go asleep. On my way back from hanging with Cali and his fam, I was so sleepy. I tell you, its something about me and the sound of the road. That jive really soothes me. Once I got home and settled, my sleepiness wore away. =\

Anywho, I enjoyed myself today. I've missed hanging with Cali and his fam. His niece and nephew are so precious. They cling right to me, makes me feel missed. Haha. Blew bubbles and had ice cream today. Hadn't done that in a while...the blowing bubbles part. He says he will help me tone up this summer, on the weekends. We shall see how that goes.

Well, I'm listening to Frank Sinatra's "Fly Me to the Moon." I would love to dance gracefully around a ballroom to this song. Hmm. Well, I guess I will lay down and hope to drift off to sleep. I doubt I will nod off until its time for my mom to go to work. Eh, that means I will just slip in her bed and have it allllll to myself. =]

P.S. He called. =] He just don't know, he could easily fly me to the moon...

You're.So.Baddd

2009-05-12T04:02:00.007-04:00

Watching E! and they had this pic up, with the face blocked.

Yeah, so I pride myself that I knew who bod this belonged to without seeing the face.

Chea!

[Jinkies, I haven't said that in a while.]

Lenny, Lenny, Lenny...

Mmm.

For.Your.Info

2009-05-12T03:18:00.003-04:00

Sooo, I'm watching Chelsea Lately and during the commercial break, guess what pops up!

The Neckline Slimmer

[Click to see Commercial]

Yeah, I was amazed. They actually have a product for this?!

I mean, I do have a little extra in the jawbone area, but I'll pass. =\

Where.I.Wanna.Be

2009-05-12T00:05:00.008-04:00

   So, I'm pulling a Donell Jones right about now. I have no freaking idea where I wanna be. I know I mentioned previously in my blog about me returning to my previous college. I was sooo sure. Mainly because I know it was cheaper. After discussing the money issue with my Unc-E, I got that department covered. Now, the decision is really up to me and I'm on the fence... I'm so indecisive.
   Although, I wasn't as involved in my second college, I was beginning to finally get my foot in the door and dig in. I was starting to enjoy it there, you know get settled in. However, my first college is so convient and I was more involved, but do I really want to go back? Grr-age! If I'm not stressing about one thing, its another. I've tried comparing and all, but I'm still at a standstill. I've tried talking it out with others, still no help.
   I talked to my mom and so we came to the decision that I will wait and see how it will affect my credits. If I will lose too many credits, I will just stay at my current college, if not then I will go back to the first. *sigh* But why am I not satisfied with that process? I really feel like it needs to be a decision of desire. I need to find out where I wanna be...

P.S. My mom laughed and said, "If you stay, Mr. N is going to think you made all that up about leaving just to break with him." I replied, "Hmph, serves him right. I'm so disappointed in him."
I know, I should just get over it. I will, on my own time.
That jive hurted me, mayne, on the insides...the insides! Haha.
[I know "hurted" isn't a word.]

Mother's.Day

2009-05-11T02:24:00.002-04:00

I'm sooo glad I am alive to spend another Mother's Day with my Mom and Grandma. Even if it is bittersweet. They are awesome. Right now, I am ever so thankful for the few loved ones who thought of me. I was a little hesitant to go to church today. I mean, it had been a while since I've been and I wanted to go. But on Mother's Day, it gets rough. I held back the tears, just as I am now.

I miss my kid. I miss the kicks to let me know he was here with me. I hate I wasn't granted the chance to hear him laugh, cry...just to see him open his eyes. I hate that I didn't appreciate those moments with him, until it was too late. It wasn't in God's plans. He is in a better place, but I can't help but to wonder...

Am I the reason you are not here?

For that, I don't think I could ever forgive myself.

Remember:

Appreciate every moment.

Every second of it.